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    • #77916
      Laughnomore
      Participant

      Hi, I have posted once before on here on a dark day.
      I have been in the same relationship for over (detail removed by moderator) we have two daughters that are passed teenage years. My relationship has always been abusive, however up until a couple of days ago there has been no physical violence. He dragged me out of my house by my hair for going out with my friend fo a couple of hours in the day time.
      He is still in the house and with no intention of leaving.
      I really don’t know what to do, I have spoken to some family members who have advised to leave the house or ring the police on him.
      I don’t feel strong enough to do either!
      One of my daughters is supportive of me but my youngest daughter seems to think I added fuel to fire for going out with my friend.
      My girls mean everything to me and I couldn’t leave them. Please give me some help and advice to make me feel stronger x*x

    • #77917
      Laughnomore
      Participant

      Sorry I meant to say there has been no physical violence for 8 years prior to the other day

    • #77919
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      Please do ring the police. That is completely disgraceful behaviour and in no way did you cause this by having a nice time with a friend.

      I know its hard and we’re here for you.

    • #77921
      Laughnomore
      Participant

      It’s so hard, I am so scared of him and I just feel like I am going to turn everyone’s world upside down. He is a scary person, He thinks he’s above everything,I think he is a n********t. I just think he would ruin me ???

    • #77922
      lover of no contact
      Participant

      Hi laughnomore and welcome,

      Yes there can be no going back after that horrible action of his. My abuser never crossed into the physical abuse majorly, except for pushing me. I always felt if he had been more physically abusive it would have made it easier to leave the relationship as the physical hurt is a very clear-cut crossing of a boundary.

      Its great you’ve posted on here. Its great you’ve let your family know. Its great one of your daughters is supportive of you.

      My thinking and that of my daughters were if I hadn’t done a,b,c,d then their abuser dad wouldn’t have had to get so mad, shout ,threaten me etc. This is how our thinking gets distorted by living in a household dominated by an abuser type personality. Your youngest daughter’s thinking is distorted as was my thinking and my children (we were victim-blaming…me).

      Your family members are right in that you should report him to the Police. And he should have to leave the house not you. However I understand you not feeling strong enough to do this yet. I wasn’t even strong enough to tell my GP and I can see now that would have been the right thing to do at the time. Abuse thrives on our silence and inaction. Its good you are bringing what he did to you out into the light. I was very bad at telling others what was going on in my house behind closed doors, but posting on a Forum like this one was the start of me not trying to cover up the abuse. Its a very tricky situation when we’re in the middle of it and we by nature are too loyal, too forgiving by nature and that’s why these abuser types choose us as they know they will get away with it. We find it hard to report. Yet if the tables were turned he wouldn’t think twice about it and he’d be straight down the police station.

      But one thing I would say, you have this opportunity to model how to act should a future husband/boyfriend of your daughters drag them out of the house by their hair. What action would you like them to take if they are put in this situation in the future. You can show them by how you handle this now that this is physical assault. Physical assault is against the law. It is illegal. It doesn’t matter that you did something that ‘the person who pulled you by the hair out of the house’ didn’t like. You could show your daughter’s how they deserve to be treated and that if they are ever treated like that that they need to get away from the person who carried out that behaviour towards them and that they should report the behaviour to the police.

      And if this was done to one of your daughter’s you would never say well if you hadn’t have done this, that or the other your boyfriend wouldn’t have had to physically hurt you.

      Keep posting and so glad you’ve reached out on here. And also give Women’s Aid a call also.

    • #77926
      Laughnomore
      Participant

      Thanks for your replies, I honestly feel so pathetic and down trodden. I haven’t got the strength to take him on. I have been with him all my adult life. If he says he wants tea I jump up and make it, I am at his beck and call and I have never known it any other way.
      You all seem so empowered on here, I need to find some strength I know.
      I go to work all week and I come home and cook and clean and that’s how it’s always been.
      I come across to outsiders as if I’m strong but that is so far from the truth.
      I feel like screaming, I know it must be frustrating for you, as the answer is so clear and I can see that I just can’t do it.x

    • #77930
      AlwaysSorry
      Participant

      Hi there and good to see you posting on the forum, it’s a wonderful outlet.

      You might not be able to see it or feel it, but living with such a man for as long as you have IS strength. Being able to survive it, is strength. If those outsiders knew how much you had to keep up with, they would likely think you are even stronger than they thought you to be. We sometimes just can’t really see that strength ourselves because it’s so clouded by the abuse, physical or not.
      You are not pathetic, you deserve to scream, you are not frustrating any of us on here, because we all know talk is easy, it’s easy to write down what the solution is, but executing? We all know how painful that is. If it really was so easy, there wouldn’t be a need for this forum.
      You might not be ready right now, it might take time for you to want to leave, you might not have reached an enough is enough moment, but maybe that will come in the future. In the meantime, I think it would be good for you to speak to your GP, at least get this incident logged there and tell your GP the emotional abuse as well – having to jump through hoops for him. This way there is a log that can eventually show a pattern. If that is too big a step for you, start writing down for yourself what’s happening. Keep notes and write down how it made you feel. Sometimes we are bonded so closely to our abuser, that we feel we can’t live without them – notes of the bad things can help sever this bond or at least serve as reminders.
      You can always call WA as well. They can help you with planning a way out, but it’s not a requirement for them to talk with you. Keep posting on here as well, I promise you none of us here will think anything bad of you – we all know you deserve so much better than how he is treating you.

    • #77933
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      Please scream away. I imagine all of us have, even if only in our minds. We know its not easy, in fact it is a very scary step to take.

      I had spent all of my adult life with my ex and had to learn all of the things involved in running my own home very quickly. An accidentally huge bill for misreading my meter springs to mind.

      I had felt safe when my ex controlled all of our finances etc. Looking back, it was ridiculous, but I’ve learned.

      Don’t be hard on yourself. We know what it is like.

    • #77937

      Dear Laughnomore,

      Just to say, about us ‘seeming strong’ on here.

      It might come across that way to you, but please remember we all have been in similar situations to the one you are unlucky enough to find yourself in.
      When I was still married to my abusive ex, I didn’t know this forum existed and really thought I was the only person on the planet experiencing what I was experiencing.

      Of course that suited my ex down to the ground. I was so afraid. So afraid. Even now I go through bad weeks, and days. But now also better ones.

      Like you, I kind of mechanically cooked, washed and cleaning, did child care etc. Worked part time from home . Almost as if – if I only had enough stew in the freezer, cleaned enough then somehow everything would be okay. Until a friend long distance told me they had a friend in women’s aid who had said I needed to get out of there…

      and so I met the women’s aid rep. even then, I made excuses for my ex and it took several meetings to get a plan together.

      You may not feel strong enough right now, but believe me, you will get the strength. All you need to do is ask for help. And you’ve done the first step already hon, posting on here.

      It is a great support – ladies on here skilled in most situations you will come across, and if we don’t know, one of us generally knows who to ask..

      all the very best.

      I’m sitting in peaceful home this morning. No arguments this morning, or indeed ever in our house in the morning. Slept better than recently. Ok my life took a turn I didn’t anticipate, a fork in the road, but I am still here, and so will you be…in future able to enjoy your coffee in peace…

      go out with a mater without worrying whether you should or not…

      I know you have a few challenges ahead. You got this. As they say on here..
      ftc
      x

    • #77947
      Flowerchild
      Participant

      Hello, Laughnomore, darling.

      From what you say, this isn’t the first act of violence he has perpetrated against you, just the first for a long while. All this means, really, is that your fear of his violence has kept you submissive to his will and toeing his lines.

      In other words, your life, your time, your friends and possibly your money too are not your own, as he sees it. He has even got one of your daughters thinking the same way, which is very disturbing. How vulnerable will this make her to abuse from future partners?

      I called the police on my husband the nth time he assaulted me (I think it was the 7th time) and there were years between when things were ‘calm’ and sometimes even ‘fine’, but looking back at that point I realised I was working overtime never to upset him ‘walking on eggshells,’ we call it, and it was stressing our children who lived in fear, like me.

      After the police came and while I was deciding whether or not to press charges, one of the things I did was ask my husband to contemplate his favourite daughter (so wrong that he has one!) and imagine her boyfriend doing to her what he did to me when he ‘lost control’. He never really lost control, he just gave himself permission to attack me. I learned that from the way he instantly shrank to a mouse when he heard me on the phone to the police. That was powerful and important knowledge for me

      Asking to imagine his daughter attacked by her boyfriend really hit home and, for the first time, he seemed to grasp how appalling his behaviour was.

      It was the beginning of his deciding to change; a long and difficult process.

      If he had dismissed hypothetical violence against his daughter as something she would have brought on herself or deserved in some way, I would have pressed charged and divorced him.

      It woke him up for the first time in decades.

      Only you can decide what to do, but if the police had not been involved in our case I don’t doubt he would have gone on. As it is, he knows that of there were ever to be a next time, the decision to press charges would not be up to me.

      He lost his power and control that day and my life has improved out of all measure. It would have done whether I pressed charged or not. For me it meant taking back control of my sovereignty, if you like!

      We’re here to support you whatever you decide, lovely.

      Flower x

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