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    • #10800
      mixed-up mum

      OK so I’m not ‘new out’ – and so the novelty should have worn off by now – maybe I AM just lazy!!!

      We are only having our tea now and I’ve done nothing all day!!!
      Had a lie in – had breakfast – saw to any emails – went and replied to me Facebook messages – came on here and replied to my messages on here – and then did dishes and made tea and here we are about to eat…..

      At first it was the novelty of not being TOLD what to do all the time – the thrill of FREEDOM – THE JOY of doing what I wanted whenever I wanted ( without being scared of his moods and tantrums) but by now I should have settled in to some kind of ‘normal’ routine – but I haven’t – and its not fair on the kids me only making their tea at this time of night…..

      I need to make myself get on with things……

    • #10801

      just enjoy having a lazy day ,it’s the living your life in the opposite way that keeps you going
      I have to get up at silly o’clock to go out to work ,so if I want a nap when I get home I can do without getting called lazy and to get off my backside and do something ,have day off to yourself now and then and try and organise yourself better other days xx

      • #10862
        mixed-up mum

        H8 Miss Giddypants – thanks for your reply – yes you are right it’s the thrill of NOT doing what I always had to do before!!!

        And you are quite right – if you feel like a sleep the just you have a sleep!!!!!

        I’m just not naturally an organised person – I struggle to keep on top of everything – I wish I could be more organised – but that’s just not me – not who I am….

        For instance there is a dozen things I could, and should, be doing now – but instead I’m on here replying to you – but I do it because I CAN – there is no one (but myself) making me feel guilty – there is no one tutting at me, or glaring at me cos I’m on here – there is no one stomping around the house making snide comments or muttering things about me – so I do this cos I CAN – cos I’m free to do it it I chose to!!!!

        And it does feel good!!!! 🙂

    • #10802
      Falling Skys

      Hi Mum

      Your learning who you are and healing, there is no timetable on that.

      You doing great and whats wrong with have their tea later? As long as everything is being done theres not an issue.

      FS xx

      • #10867
        mixed-up mum

        Hi Falling Skys – thanks for your reply – maybe you are right – Im still trying to find my way, and find my feet – maybe I am still in recovery – I just felt this far down the line I should be OK – and I should have some kind of ‘normal’ life …..

        I do get everything done eventually – just maybe not at the same time if day as everybody else – but I get there in the end – the always have clean clothes, and food on the table – so we are ‘getting by’ I suppose…….

        Thanks for your kind and supportive words.


    • #10805

      Hi Mixed up Mum

      I am always concerned by how much you put yourself down. I don’t know if it is a habit of having years of him telling you these things so they have become your truth when from others looking in you are doing ok.

      Ok, you have been out for about a couple of years but not really because you said yourself that you are still in contact with him and you can’t say no to him at all. So he is still in your life influencing things.

      I cut all contact with my abusive husband and I still struggle. In my opinion, I think you need counselling/ therapy because your self esteem is so low. If you can start reading some self help books on self esteem.

      This website might be a good starting point.

      You seem to have a negative thinking pattern about how you see yourself which I have no doubts you have copied from the abuser.

      Saying that you did nothing is a false statement. You did breakfast, emails, online messages, replies, dishes and tea. Those are something. My experience is that some families do have their evening meal quite late. I remember ringing my best friend around 20.00/21.00pm when I was a teenager to ask a homework question (my mum managed to get food prepared before 18.00 most days), to be told that she was at the dinner table.

      I struggle to get going myself but I have diagnosed depression, anxiety and a personality/mood disorder. Lets see what did I do today: Went to benefits adviser, returned some phone calls, went to homeless case worker, came back home at slept. My food was from the community centre. After I woke up, had a shower and washed and style my hair.

      It seems like you don’t think that you deserve a day off. I think maybe I could have done more but I’m battling a horrible cold, struggling with chaos living in a b and b and I don’t want to make myself more ill, physically or mentally.

      From what I understand about your self employed job, it’s erratic and you don’t seem to know when you will get a break or when you will have clients/customers so how can you set a routine? Plus your children are teenagers? Routine with teenagers? I remember my mother would make my dinner for 3 pm as a teenager, I would get home 3.30pm and go straight to sleep and wake up at midnight and heat it up and eat it while studying or watching late night tv.

      I can’t remember the last time I cooked a full meal on a stove top! I can’t remember the last time I made myself a cup of tea! Am I going to beat myself up over? No Nope! I’ve had enough s**t happen to me to start continue giving myself sh*t for small things in the grand scheme of things. Don’t beat yourself up. Be kind to yourself.

      You deserve a day off!

      • #10836
        mixed-up mum

        Hi Sahara – thsnk you for your reply – my battery is at 31% – wont hsvr long before it gors again – I’ll try and reply to you – tired though and wanting to sleep.

        I put myself down, cos that’s honestly the way I feel about myself – I don’t feel like a good mam – I don’t feel like I’m doing s good job – I do WANT to be a better mam – but I’m just so disorganised – I’m always running late for everything!!!
        I want to have the perfect house and be clean and tidy and organised – but that’s not me and I doubt if it ever will be!!!!

        My self-esteem is so low, but it always had been Im not and never will be a confident outgoing person – I do want to be – but I cant remember a time when I felt good about myself.

        I honestly think this is just the person I AM – and I don’t know if any amount of counselling will help me…..
        I have negative thoughts about EVERYTHING …..

        I just get mad with myself that I’ve wasted another whole day, and accomplished very little, when I KNOW I have so much to do and things that I know need to get done, but put off evey day.

        I do have low moods, and I would day I have days when I’m ‘OK’ days when I’m not so OK,though I don’t think it’s severe enough for medication.

        You are much worse than me and you bave gone through so much worse than me, what I need is just to pull myself together!!!!

        Yes I am self employed clients are very much up and down, busy one day. quiet the next.
        And yes I do have teenagers too.

        I get days off too – but if I have no clients then that’s an extra day off with plenty to do.

        Battery about to go again, and my eyes keep closing here


    • #10808

      Your being too hard on yourself again. 🙃

    • #10821
      lover of no contact

      The way I look at it Mixed Up Mum is I’ve spent over 2 decades catering to His Royal Highness (abuser’s take on himself not mine, lol). Running myself ragged catering to his needs, singlehandedly raising lots of children on my own (due to being an abuser he was more a hindrance as a father than a help). Also as my self-esteem, self-worth and self-confidence was shot to pieces by him and my abuser mum (I was in 2 cycles of abuse simultaneously), I needed to get some validation which I did by doing lots of voluntary work, some part-time paid work, on top of the minding of the kids and him. And the working non-stop meant I didn’t have to feel my feelings. This plus the mental, emotional, financial and sexual abuse plus coping with the fallout and damage to the children (who were witnessing my abuse) and on the receiving end of abuse from him also.

      So this next decade for me is just enough paid work to be self-supporting and thus free. And I want plenty of relaxation time, rest (I regularly nap in the afternoons), I’ve had 4 decades of abuse by 2 abusers so I need serious healing). Add in a bit of fun. I’ll keep the cooking, the cleaning, the shopping as simple as I can.

      This for me, is the decade for rest, relaxation and fun. I’ve a lifetime of catching up to do. I think all of us on here do.

      • #10868
        mixed-up mum

        Hi Lover of No Contact – thanks for your reply – sorry I wasn’t able to get back to you last night…..fell asleep!!!

        Yip I’m the same – spent over two decades – living by his rules and ‘dancing to his tune’, and I will maybe take longer than I’m thinking to become ‘me’ again…..

        Same as you I have zero self-confidence, self-worth,and self-esteem and I have never even started building that up again – don’t quite know how to begin…….

        Unfortunately my work is not enough to support me and my two, and pay all the bills on my own – that’s my main problem – struggling financially – and having zero self-belief, and so I feel unable to make big changes in my life to try new things – I’m terrified of change – hence why it took me the teens of years to finally pluck up the courage to leave him…..

        LOVE that last bit – I too have a lifetime of catching up to do – I’ve forgotten what it feels like to LIVE – I want to feel ALIVE again – I want to remember what it feels like to have a life, and have some fun again…..hopefully one day…….


    • #10835
      mixed-up mum

      Thank you all for your replies – I guess its partly because I no longer HAVE TO do anything I don’t want to do – the fear is no longer there of having to have everything just as he wanted it to be – I can sit on here as long as I chose to – I can be on Facebook for hours if I choose to – there is nobody making me feel guilty – there is nobody MAKING me come off of it – nobody demanding my time and attention be spent on him and him alone…..

      I guess I do it purely cos I CAN DO IT!!!!!
      I’m free to get up when I like and I’m free to make meals when I like – there is nobody focing me to feel like I have to be at there beck and call ……I guess I’m just making the most of it still!!!!!

      Sorry battery about to go ……bye for now x*x

    • #10837

      Who says you ‘need to get your act together’?

      That critical parent voice in your head? Echoes of his tyrannical bullying voice in your head? You being self-critical, and comparing yourself to other women you know who haven’t been abused? Or people you know, like less understanding relatives or friends, who think they are helping by telling you to get a grip?

      Whatever the reason, one day you will be that beautiful butterfly, fluttering freely and achieving lovely things with your freedom from the abuser.

      But it won’t happen overnight. This is your ‘cocoon’ time, your healing time, your time for dressing your wounds and just ‘being’ as an antidote to his dictatorial demands. This is your time to in a sense just enjoy being you.

      People who haven’t been trapped in an abusive relationship probably can’t comprehend the idea of the feeling of ‘being themselves’ as being some novelty, or some need – they are being themselves with relative freedom every day, and many of those people would never entertain the idea of not being themselves or being told what to do.

      We have been battered and bruised. We have been sucked dry of our health, our peace, our freedom and our identities by our abusers who are demanding, bullying, manipulative energy vampires. We have had to be so courageous and use so much of our resources to stand up to our bullies, to get up and carry on, to put on a brave face, to deal with each 24 hours despite feeling wrecked with anxiety and trauma. We are survivors of the ugliest war. We’ve been conditioned, been made to be fearful, we’ve been told how to think and feel, we have had our thoughts and feelings rejected or ignored, we’ve experienced the most scariest of situations where another human being has made us scared to be ourselves.

      This is your ‘desert time.’ This is you reacquainting yourself with yourself, like a long-lost friend. This is you exploring your old peace again, your old relaxed nature, your love of just ‘being’ – all those things he robbed you of, as in his eyes, you only had value if you were ‘doing’ things for him and to water his ego.

      I didn’t work for months. I am in awe of these ladies who carried on going into work everyday despite what they were going through. When I was with him, I was scared to not be at home cooking when he returned from work. I was scared if being out doing nice things and being me- he made me feel I should always be doing things for him. It was a tyrannical dictatorship. He made me feel my ways, my interests, my beliefs were bad or stupid.

      It was hard for me getting back into things, but look at it another way, that this time is necessary for you to heal and gather your strength for the future. Only deal with the essentials, and don’t berate yourself did not operating on all cylinders, or for simply enjoying being rebellious and doing things you’d know he’d hate! It’s all part of rediscovering the old you!

      What you have achieved on a daily basis seems fine to me for now. Over time, you will start to take more on.

      Not everyone in your life will understand your need to do this, but we all certainly do!

      • #10869
        mixed-up mum

        Hi Serenity – last but by no means least – thanks for your reply too.

        Got to go in ten mins – so this will have to be short!!!

        Oh I dunno what to do with myself – I just long for the day when I can finally say it IS over – it IS in the past – and the new me can finally emerge – I have to find her first…..

        I don’t want what he did to define me and the rest of my life – I want to be free of all I endured for so many years – I want to be able to say to myself – OK I suffered that – but it’s over I’m free and that’s not the person I am now…..

        I don’t want what he did to haunt me forever…….

        Sorry got to go – will be back later on.


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