I really don’t know what to do

[Sweets]

Hi all, I have been really struggling with my mental health just lately and my councillor told me to contact women’s aid. He said my husband is being abusive towards me. It’s been going round and round in my head ever since, I don’t know what to do.
He tells me I need help and that I’m mental. He says that if we ever split up he’ll have custody of the children because of my mental health. He always buys himself things and doesn’t tell me how much he’s spent and has money put away and won’t tell me how much is there. He only buys the kids things he wants to and not what they need, that’s all down to me.
He won’t do anything for anyone unless there’s something in it for him.
He thinks more of the dogs and his possessions than he does me.
He’s always right, even when it comes to professionals and when ever I try talking to him about anything he just accuses me of nagging or trying to start a row.

I really don’t know what to do anymore.

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi there,

I’m sorry to hear what you’re going through. It definitely sounds like abuse to me, especially emotional/psychological abuse. Look up ‘gaslighting’ in google. My ex did the exact same to me about my mental health – said that I wasn’t well, that he ‘wanted to look after me’ and tried to get me to see a counsellor. He would do and say horribly cruel things then tell me I’d imagined them – it is a very common abuse tactic.

Also look up the Power and Control wheel in google as it explains it further in that and should help you make more sense of things. And if you can, get yourself a copy of the book Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft and read it in secret because it will make things become a lot clearer.

Have you rung the helpline? Do ring them if not, you might need to leave a voicemail but they will ring you back. Also contact your local domestic abuse team/women’s aid, mine were great and helped me to get out of my relationship safely.

[Lisa]

Hi Sweets,

Welcome to the Forum and thank you for sharing with us. I hope you find the Forum a safe and supportive place with others who understand about what you are going through.

If you can then please do call the 24hr National Domestic Violence Helpline on 0808 2000 247. The Helpline Workers can discuss options based on your circumstances as well as signpost you to other helpful organisations. It is a busy service but there is a voicemail to request a call back at a safe and convenient time.

Well done for reaching out for support, it can take a lot of courage to take the first step. Keep posting to us and take all of the support on offer. We are here for you.

Best wishes,

Lisa

[Countrylass]

Hi Sweets, just wanted to offer support. So many ladies have been supporting me on here. He sounds very similar to mine. Mine even talks to one dog in particular about me…in front of me! Says keep away from the crazy b*** etc.

Dig deep. Keep calm. Keep posting. I’m so glad I have. I still don’t know what to do either but it DEFINATELY helps to blurt it all out on here x

[freedomtochoose]

Hello there hon, I’m so sorry to hear about what you are going through.

These are of course scare tactics on the part of this man.

It is absolutely NOT true that if you split up he would automatically gain custody of your children.

I can’t pretend it will be easy (and believe me when I left if I didn’t have mental health issues before I would have done afterwards).

No-one ever questioned my ex’s mental health.

“Dig Deep” is good advice. You are in the right place here to get the support you need and also the signposting so that with every step you are going to have to take you will have solidarity and some ideas as to where to go for assistance.

Just remember at this point it is scare tactics.
It sounds like you are a brilliant mum.
Hold on to that thought.

Thanks for posting
x

[maddog]

That is really good that your counsellor has clocked your husband’s abuse. My husband has told me the same kind of things; he threatened that he would tell his gp that I was a p********h and an unfit mother. I am sure he has done this. He has already told his gp that I kicked him which is untrue, and he has had me arrested. His account of what happened is very different from what my daughter witnessed. So it is very likely that he also lied to the police.

You are absolutely not alone. It is hard to recover from MH problems brought on by abuse when you are still in the situation. You need room to breathe and to feel safe and for any children to feel safe.

It can also take time for the level of abuse to sink in. We normalise it over the years.

My husband too, is always right, and if I have an issue I want to talk about, he accuses me of trying to start a row. There is nowhere to go. It is another tactic. I have given up trying to sort out anything with my husband. It is sad to see someone who is fuelled by such hatred and vitriol. In the past I would ask him what was wrong, only to be grumped at some more and ultimately blamed.

What you wrote struck so many chords with me. We minimise the behaviour. Are you in touch with WA?

[Sweets]

Hi ladies,
I feel so overwhelmed with all your messages, I just want to say thank you so much, it means a lot.
Sorry I haven’t been able to reply sooner only we’ve all had a horrible virus in the house, which we’re still getting over and he’s always in. I’m sat down stairs replying now cuz there’s a whole fleet of freight trains gathered in the bedroom right now (husband!).

I haven’t rang the helpline yet as I don’t feel strong enough to take that step yet, I suppose it will make it all to real then.
My head is just absolutely spinning with it all at the moment, I can’t seem to get past the belief that someone professional picked up on it after speaking to me and my husband for about half an hour, I don’t suppose it helped my husbands corner when he introduced himself as my carer!

Thank you all again for your kind words and support, I’ll try and reply sooner
Xx

[starryeyed]

Hi Sweets,

Well done on posting on here and reaching out for support. I’m sorry to hear you are poorly too, I hope you get well soon.

I am so pleased your counsellor has picked up on what you are experiencing as abuse. I spoke to someone at Women’s Aid recently and she said that she is finding that many women are going to relationship counselling and then being informed that what they are experiencing is in fact, abuse, and it is not their fault. It is really scary to find out that what you are going through is abusive and it can take a while to digest this information. Are you seeing your counsellor by yourself now? Maybe they can help you think about your options and what you want to do and support you in your next steps.

Do give the helpline a call when you are safe to talk and feel able to speak. You don’t have to make any decisions immediately and they aren’t going to tell you what to do – but they can help you and support you and it can help to talk to a professional about what you are experiencing and hear what they have to say. Talking about it can really help you – so it is really good that you are posting on here, keep posting whenever you need.

Reading your first post, it sounds like your husband is financially and emotionally abusing you. Honestly I have left my ex now but I am still feeling like I overreacted and that I am too sensitive or too soft – maybe I was making it all up? Emotional abuse is insidious and it is likened to being a frog in a frying pan…if you turn the heat up straight away the frog will jump out, but if you turn the heat up slowly…then the frog has no idea what is happening to it until it is too late.

Is your husband a psychologist or worked in the mental health field for years and years? Because abusive men are very quick to try and say that they are experts! Especially in psychology! He is trying to frighten you, make it harder for you to leave, make you feel like you are losing your mind – creating this fog of confusion which makes us easier to control. It is all textbook tactics.

Take care of yourself and I hope you feel better soon as well. Keep posting <3 x*x

[Sweets]

Hi Starryeyed,

When I saw my councillor it was just an initial assessment, I’m going back to see him in a couple of weeks and he said part of each session he will ask my husband to leave and speak to me alone, like he did in the first 1, that’s when I opened up and told him what was going on, after a little gentle push because at first I said everything was fine.

I too feel like I’m overreacting because I don’t think my husband does it on purpose and he does have a lot to deal with from me with my mental health. I felt a bit like a fraud when I first posted but at the same time I felt a sense of relief that my councillor had picked up on it, I went to see a lady at my doctors, who specialises in mental health back in October I think and told her about my concerns and what was happening with my husband but I wasn’t listened to by her so I just thought maybe it was just me, maybe I was just overreacting and reading things into it.
I was in an abusive relationship in my teens and I just can’t believe that I’ve let it happen again, only this time it’s not physical and while I was strong enough to end it back then I’m nowhere near strong enough to end it now. It’s the thought of having to start all over again that scares and worries me too.

Xx

[freedomtochoose]

It is not your fault lovely. I am so sorry you are going through this. Just take it
step by step. Well done you for holding it down so far, especially when people are
poorly in the house.

thinking of you
ftc.
x

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