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    • #77495
      Still-trying
      Participant

      I saw him.
      My parents always do the hand over with the kids so I haven’t seen him since the day he left. That was (detail removed by moderator), a long time ago. He’d had the kids for the day.. that in itself is few and far between. I was planning to take them away for the weekend after he’d had them, So after I finished work I went to get fuel. (Detail removed by moderator). Then I saw his car. I realise my children were in that car and his girlfriend too. He looked absolutely perfect, not a hair out of place. His trainers were sparkling and he was dressed so stylishly. I however looked (as I always do) an absolute mess. I had no makeup on, my hair was a mess, I just looked horrific. I couldn’t get out of the car and let him and his girlfriend see me like that, so I drove to another station and waited until my mum told me he’d dropped the children off. Seeing him like that makes me doubt everything.. he looks so perfect and I’ve let myself go so much… it’s no wonder he left me!
      And it’s almost a sign seeing him like that. I’d planned to come away to my parents caravan with the kids but the day before my ex left me, I was here with him. He told me how much he loved me, that I was the love of his life, pressured me into having sex with him, and then the following day I found out (detail removed by moderator).. I also found out I was pregnant and he left me.. all on the same day. So as much as I love being here, it brings back so many bad memories. Seeing him (detail removed by moderator) has made it amplified

    • #77519
      Iwantmeback
      Participant

      Hi there. You are not a mess, okay you are, but it’s of his doing. He didn’t leave because you are a mess, he left because he sucked the life out of you and then discarded you like yesterday’s newspaper. His new life, his facade to the world and his new girlfriend are just lies. You know deep down he’ll be the same with her as he was with you eventually. And if he doesn’t then maybe he’s learned but I very much doubt it. Have you journalled how he made you feel,, noted any times of violence or when you felt so low you wanted to end it all. Read back your journals, remember what he did, that’s who he really is. He’s wearing the mask at the moment. You’ve done so well being away for this amount of time. It’s still early on. Leaving an abusive relationship is very like a loved one dying. the stages of grief last differently fir each of us. Be kind to yourself.
      Much love IWMB 💞💞

    • #77532
      diymum@1
      Participant

      this is what they do portray a picture to the world but its far from real. he will be using that pretend person to suck the new gf in shes getting the masked abuser – i feel sorry for her because she will go through the same as you. the thing is they ‘look’ unscathed but the fact is theyre rotting in their own insecurities a horrible way to live. they want us to feel this way too because it makes them feel better – also what he is doing is (removed by moderator) triangulation these men are weak because they need someone ‘to feed from’ your out. think of how free you are now IWMB is right what you saw may as well be an illusion in a desert. he has tried to destroy you but he hasnt your still standing the best way to get over this is to firstly heal and recover and truly live your life for real xx much love diymum remember the blame and shame is on his shoulders leave it there for him to inevitably carry around xx

    • #77594
      Still-trying
      Participant

      Thank you for your replies. A lot of details got removed despite trying really hard not to be too specific 😩. It’s been a long time since he left. I’ve had counselling, read all the books ever suggested on here and done the freedom program. I’ve learned a lot and wouldn’t be here without the support of some of the ladies on here.. but still to his day I don’t fully believe he is an abuser. He did things that aren’t right, obviously physically laying your hands on someone is wrong.. and he didn’t even have drink as an excuse. I’m glad of everything I’ve learned, it all makes perfect sense. But I think it must take a certain sort of people to be able to make a relationship work, and perhaps I’m not that sort of person. My ex is absolutely perfect in everything he does, and I’m the ‘cut corners sort of person’. He’s never got a hair out of place but mines always in a messy bun. His current gf has perfect hair and makeup every day. she is far more suited to him than I ever was. I always knew deep down that he was too good for me, that I was wrong for him. I tried so hard to make sure he house was perfect, to be what I thought he wanted, but that was wrong of me.

    • #77605
      diymum@1
      Participant

      they sound very superficial though – the thing is your not right for each other because you deserve much more. you are a good person he dosent have those capabilities. you are astute he has no idea that hes doing wrong, well that is debatable – BUT if he had a concience he wouldnt be hurting you. try not to be so hard on yourself i hinestly think this is your conditioning thinking. i still feel to this day that im not worthy- i doubt that i look nice if i get compliments – i really do feel that and its because i was conditioned to think i couldnt match up often to other women. i went to uni and i was still deemed as stupid. i believed i was nothing. that sits somewhere deep down in me somewhere in my mind – but also my gut tells me im wrong – its messed up but i get you. he is far from perfect and i wouldnt trade places with some one who is abusive – as i couldnt live with myself xx try a mantra – i am a good person deep down i have a clear concience and can feel true feelings for other people xx

    • #77607
      KIP.
      Participant

      I think we all looked great and felt great in the early days of our relationship. When I look back I was always really smart for work, make up on and happy. Fast forward several years with my abuser and I struggled to get up in the morning and shower. Let alone makeup and ironed suits. That’s his doing. Good riddance to bad rubbish x

    • #77662
      Still-trying
      Participant

      Agh I wrote a reply but my phone logged me out. Thank you again for your replies. I do sometimes think the conditioning happened but then I’m not sure if I imagined that. I have anxiety and my house being a mess makes me anxious.. I’m only truly relaxed when it’s tidy but it’s never perfect. I felt he was always ‘giving me better ways to do things’ and ‘advising me on how best to manage my time or the cleaning’ this all felt like he was suggesting that I didn’t do things properly. If I got overwhelmed by stuff he would always compare me to other women he knew and say that they manage so why couldn’t I. These are things that stick with me. The thing is, these are also things that I thought before he came along anyway so isn’t him saying them merely confirming they are true- rather than meaning he’s abusing me. He used to get annoyed when the children’s room was a mess, he’d offer to clean it but then send me lots of msgs saying I needed to teach the children to tidy up more. And if I’d forgotten to empty the washing machine he’d remind me I needed to manage my time better so I didn’t forget. Perhaps this is just part of being a couple… he’d say he was trying to help. Now I feel like id rather be alone because I know I can’t live up to those standards and I don’t want to either. I see other people’s houses and they are a lot lot more untidy than mine and some are more or less the same… but obviously some are perfect. Mine won’t ever be perfect

    • #77667
      Iwantmeback
      Participant

      It sounds as if you’re weren’t yet confident in your own skin, in your own thoughts.(I don’t want to come across as putting you down, I’m the same as you. I’ve done my job for over (detail removed by moderator) yet I still doubt my ability, yet am told on numerous occasions that I’m really good at my job, or was until I eventually gave up after years of being told I wasnt good enough or I was too good! Or the boys fancied me, or me him) That’s why he chose you, someone for him to mould into his ideal or idea of the perfect woman. The thing is they don’t exist. There’s more to life than having a perfect house, but living with an abuser who says he likes everything so, it’s impossible to keep that up, something eventually snaps. if I moved anything of his to tidy up, to dust, all hell would break loose. I’d be accused of moving his stuff, of not putting it back in its place. I no longer dust our bedroom or anywhere really unless I know I can put his things back exactly where they were. I can’t wait to actually be able to keep my own place clean and tidy on my terms. My oh too says he’s only trying to help me. Just because we don’t do things their way doesn’t mean it’s wrong, everyone is different, I’d rather live in an untidy house That’s nearly tidy than one that’s a show house, that’s too micromanaged and very unhealthy. Your oh loved to pint out how you did things wrong how you should do xy or z. That’s control, which is abuse. Just because it was done in a way that he said, was only trying to help you, that then becomes condescending. The longer you’re away, you’ll start to remember more of what he did and said, write it down and read it back a few days or weeks later. Then you’ll see who you were really living with.
      Well done in posting, and I forgot to say welcome to the forum.
      IWMB 💞💞

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