- This topic has 17 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 8 years, 9 months ago by
.
-
Posts
-
-
I snooped and looked at his emails, he is (detail removed by moderator) in arrears with the payment plan he set up for the bankruptcy….he is lying to his parents they think he is paying it, he is saying he needs money for bills…he doesn’t, he has another secret email address…..its not on his phone…he has changed all his passwords…he ordered (detail removed by moderator) from a website…(I did question him….they never arrived apparently)
He is lying to me, I asked if everything was ok with the money stuff and he said it was…to my face…the abuse is still going on, he says that I have done things when I know that I haven’t…he moves things and tells me I’ve done it……..he says that I am stupid and lying…..when I know d**n well he is lying through his teeth…..should I tell his parents or fess up that I know he isn’t paying? What the hell is he doing with his money?? Over a grand a month isn’t accounted for – I pay for everything bar the mortgage. He passes out drunk most nights and moans that I don’t want him, says he will leave and go off with someone else, that there are lots of women who want him…the b****y ego! That he is only with me because of the children and that there is no way I could cope on my own without him….sadly I am not sure I could, but we are all in such a vunerable position because of his spending, I really am scared, can’t sleep and my anxiety is through the roof…what a sorry state of affairs it is.
-
Dear Itmustbeme, this morning I found a diary entry that I had made when I was in the thick of my abusive relationship. This was one year before we eventually split. I was a complete nervous wreck. I had gone from a confident, independent level headed woman to a complete shell of myself. It was not long after this I would have been admitted for psychiatric help. I have been split up now (I got rid of him!) for some months & I am nearly back to normal. I cannot believe the state that i was in. Highly anxious, suspicious, doubtful, mistrusting. And he was like a king of the castle, god knows what he was getting up to behind my back but certainly doing ok. My advice to you is to move forward now towards separation. X*X
-
Itsmustbemesurely.
First of all it is not you.
I would copy everything you find because when the time comes you might need it. Even for you to look back.
Yours sounds like mine ex.
Look at gas lighting.Mine managed to convince professionals that I was mad too. I was not. He would move things, he would not pay bills, he went to his parents to get them to (detail removed by moderator) to pay a bill he didn’t claiming he didn’t have any money and he would pay them back.
he didn’t ultimately he stole from his own child as well as his parents with that one.
He always had money. He was always in control. He can as I again witness recently can turn on the waterworks and the “I’m the victim” at will. I mean at will.I had to start writing down everything I said in a diary for me to read over again because he would say I didn’t tell him, made it up etc.
I am still struggling when people say these things to me.
I was kept sleep deprived.
I questioned myself and I started to believe I had a mental disorder.
Which was why it made it easier for the professionals to believe him too.
I would see him do things when others where around and then something different when he wasn’t being watched.
I even helped with this by going to Relate and to therapy, trying to fix us and me.
He always had money and never paid the bills.
When he was being chased by phone-calls to the landline it suddenly stopped working. So much so that I missed urgent medical information regarding the children.
I was told I would not survive by myself and I believed that.I left eventually it took me years to do it.
Since then even though things seemed worse it got better.
I wish I had moved out when people who told me to move and that I could cope. I was in denial and had the stupid notion that the kids needed the man they shared dna with and that I believed was the problem, so if I changed it would get better. I was not the problem, it got worse.
I was wrong. Kids need to be loved, cherished and a stable environment, not an abuse person who has rights just because they share their dna.
-
that’s how I feel too, I don’t know what to do but he is toxic….in a way I wish he was or would have an affair then I could have a reason to ask him to leave. if that makes sense….I need to tell someone about the money…he can’t take us down with him. What did you do in the end Suntree??
I can’t afford the mortgage on my own x*x
-
Take screen shots and go and see a solicitor straight away. Most offer free legal advice initially. If you’re married his debt is your debt. Is he gambling or drinking the missing money. It’s your future too and your kids. If you confront him he will just lie again. Don’t bury your head in the sand. I used to wish my husband would have an affair, which he did, but still wouldn’t leave and carried on rubbing my nose in it before assaulting me. They all come from the same mould Im afraid X
-
yes, I am really concerned, really worried it seems like he is out of control sometimes, I plead with him not to drink but most nights he passes out at 9pm. I sort out the children and get prepared for the next day yet he blames me, says it’s my fault….he really has messed stuff up and doesn’t take any responsibility for it at all, its me I don’t get it because I am F ing stupid, selfish or whatever he now has left me with virtually no money as i have paid for all the uniforms, shoes, equipment, clubs, dance lessons, holidays etc….it’s not fair, he uses his money for booze ahead of his children…that’s not a man. he has the audacity to think that he is really desirable to other women….throws that in my face at every opportunity..I beg him to get help he won’t I pick up the pieces again….do you think I should tell his family?
-
-
-
You need to do what you feel is right for you. I would not have spoken to my ex’s family at all but i’m not you. If my ex’s family were approachable, fair and we got on then I might have. Maybe if you prepare yourself for any repercussions from him as he will find out that you know, and I think he will explode with the shame of what he is gotten into and now people knowing. If you can prepare yourself for all possible repercussions. I have just read your post again, i think that you should tell his parents, but be prepared for the next onslaught. Could you ask them to not mention that it came from you? Or, not sure if this is an option, an anonymous tip off in some way. I know with various fraud you can make anonymous reports to the authorities, is there any way you can do this anonymously?
-
I think he would be furious…not really appreciating that we all just want to help. Everything I do or say gets turned around so its me in the wrong, I’m undermined day in day out constantly ridiculed, mocked and never does he say anything good about me, never. He talks about himself all the time and never ever accepts responsibility for his actions. Says I am ‘drip, drip, drip, drip’ always at him, annoying him and that I project my feelings on to him, I never support him…….god its a oneway street!!
-
-
they don’t. I’ve looked at the cycle of abuse and the circular chart, and he does everything on their – controls my money, threatens me, calls me names, scares me, emotionally bullies me, stalks me, but I do nothing, why because I am scared I can’t be on my own, that I am breaking the family up, that the stress of the break up will push him over the edge…sometimes to me it seems nothing….last night I was told that I only watch a programme because I fancy one of the actors…that’s why you watch it isn’t it…the night before if I don’t have sex and say no, its like me giving him permission to say yes to anybody he wants…to be unfaithful..if I say no that’s it it will never happen between us again….these things are normal, it doesn’t bother me how odd is that….drip, drip, drip constantly.
-
I know. Your relationship sounds like it is hanging on the most fragile of threads, saying no to sex but with the fear if you do that he will go & get it somewhere else. There is a chapter on this in ‘Living with the Dominator’, the Sexual Controller. This morning was my first session of the freedom programme I am going to get so much out of it. You are minimising what is happening in your house. I have always felt that I couldn’t be me. Because if I were me, acted as myself, my ex and the majority of all of the others before him wouldn’t have liked me and would have left. So i’ve had to keep myself slim and attractive all of my adult life, if i went above a size 12 my chances of getting a man decreased rapidly. I’ve had to do things to my body I didn’t really want to do, act in ways I didn’t really want to act & change myself completely so that I fit with what he wanted. I have now been 100% single for x*x months after I dumped my abusive ex. I have put on some weight, i dress for me, keep my house as I like it and sleep ok. My life is settling down and i’m being me. It feels so much better. X*X
-
Im not sure what to do Healthyarchive….he called me a f***** b**ch this morning so my son heard, he gave me a big cuddle bless him xx husband sent me a barrage of texts last night saying my manic behaviour had turned him to drink, he will be as nice as pie tonight I bet make me feel like its all my fault.
-
I understand. I have been in a number of situations before which were so downright awful and toxic, but I could not get out. I just could not. I knew what I had to do, but being able to do is was another matter. Take comfort in the fact though that it does happen, just at a time which is right for you. I think over the years I have got stronger, a good dose of living alone has given me that strength. I have have weaknesses as I still got involved with yet another abusive man but at least i’m managing to kick them out eventually. Dear Itmustbeme, ITS NOT YOU…………..My last ‘partner’ I use that term very loosely, I believe was a conman who saw an opportunity in me to get something and stayed with me, lying & pretending to love me whilst all along he was after either money ( i don’t have much) or a share of my house. I don’t know if you watch Coronation Street but the character Audrey Roberts had a similar case with her man Lewis. Fortunatly I had my head screwed on & sussed him out very early so hung on extra tight to my assets. Nethertheless he has disapeared into the sunset probably with one of many woman he was ‘friendly’ with whilst he was with me. My life today is calm, I am concentrating better at work & my bosses are happy with me, I am developing some fun hobbies for myself and I feel happy. You can break away too, please do keep reading and posting on here, this forum saved me. You will get the inspiration & guidance to leave this relationship. x*X
-
Try to read 30 Covert Manipulation Tactics, it talks about intermittent reinforcement & mixed messages, you might find it helpful to read up on cognitive dissonance too.
-
Hi must be me
Please get away from this abuser
Your health is not worth it
You can’t change him
You are not breaking up your family he already has
Children don’t do well living around abuse it scars them
Men who abuse their children’s mummy are not good dads and no one can convince me otherwise .
Please get out and save you and your babies , leave him in his own mess he is not a child and you are not responsible for him .
He cares only about himself
You and your babies can be happy in peace
Big hugs x*x -
I know I do and I am crying as I type this, my son lashed out at me this morning and refused to go to school he is a teenager now and I am sure that years of hearing his dad shout and swear is having/has had a huge impact on him…..this alone should make me feel strong enough to kick him into touch so to speak….but it isn’t I don’t know why xxxx
-
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.
