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    • #115991
      Bubbles@123
      Participant

      Hi all, I’m nervous to post this also sorry really long post. I’ve tried to keep it brief…
      I have been separated from my children’s father for a few years. I have recently come to realise that since the birth of our daughter (detail removed by moderator) ago I have been a victim of financial abuse. When we were together he would withhold money from me so that I couldn’t pay the rent or provide properly for my children this resulted in me having to borrow to pay the rent, childcare bills and all utility and food bills. He left me with a small baby and no car when I was (detail removed by moderator) as it was broken and he kept making excuses as to why the garage couldn’t fix it (this also happened (detail removed by moderator) with my second child) and he also stole money from my credit card etc. Our second child was born early (detail removed by moderator) so I wasn’t completely prepared, the day he was born my ex was paid (detail removed by moderator) and he lied and said he hadn’t been paid leaving me to struggle to get (detail removed by moderator) finish getting presents for our daughter on borrowed money. Things got so much worse that one day I could only afford to buy (detail removed by moderator), I couldn’t ask my mum through embarrassment at the time and he always promised it would get better. I finally had enough and asked him to leave when our youngest was only (detail removed by moderator) old, he left me (detail removed by moderator) in debt. I thought this would put a stop to it. Fast forward (detail removed by moderator)  and a lot of heart ache later and he is withholding child maintenance and fights me on everything. His inconsistency with contact led to total disruption to mine and the kids lives as we couldn’t make plans as we never knew if he would turn up which greatly upset the kids and also he’d announce he was bringing them back early which would result in my plans having to end so I could get home for the kids. I arranged mediation to move forward with consistent contact, regular maintenance and for our contact to be limited to a minimum which he agreed to and he never showed up leaving the mediator and I waiting for him. He never responded to the mediators attempts to contact him. We’ve had an incident that has been logged to the police (detail removed by moderator). More recently I asked him to not come to my door when he drops the kids off as it always leads to an argument and I think it’s best we have no contact unless it’s essential, he completely ignored me going out of his way to speak to me or rather demand I take stuff from him and when I refused he went as far as to step over my threshold to put the (detail removed by moderator). He’d usually put them on the (detail removed by moderator). This was without a doubt done with defiance to let me know I’m not in charge. I’ve told his dad everything but was simply ignored, which my ex enjoyed. I wanted to approach his dad to act as a third party so we do not have to speak but I was told I’d be ignored again. He also talks about me to the kids telling them not to listen to what I say about him, I don’t say anything but unfortunately they do see me upset. I don’t know where to go for help, I want the children to see their dad but I also want him to help financially and leave me alone and stop with the mental and financial control. He always denies his behaviour whenever I feel I can confront him over it. Is this all in my head? And Is there anywhere I can go to get help? CMS are involved but he always has an “acceptable” reason why he can’t pay. Ladies I’m exhausted and am constantly feeling low.

    • #116003
      Camel
      Participant

      Hi Bubbles

      This is an appalling situation for you and I totally understand why you feel trapped.

      I think you need to separate the issues of contact and financial support.

      He has no right to enter your home or force you to converse. Are you in a position to drop off and collect the children at his, instead of him coming to you? This will put you in control. Alternatively, insist on a public or neutral place of exchange. Don’t involve family, his or yours.

      Changing arrangements is unacceptable. If you don’t have it set out, seek a legal ruling on contact. Mediation isn’t working and this won’t help his case.

      Child maintenance is a sticky issue and I don’t claim to understand it. If you’re struggling to make ends meet I’d suggest you find out what support is available, taking into account your ex’s failure to contribute. I get that they are his children and he should pay up. But you’re realising how he’s used money (or the lack of) from the outset to control you. The sooner you cut off your reliance on him the better.

    • #116007
      Bubbles@123
      Participant

      Hi Camel

      Maintenance is a sticky issue isn’t it. I don’t rely on his maintenance although it helps. My frustration lies with his refusal to financially support them, as a father I feel he shouldn’t want them to be without.
      He’s self employed so he uses this to keep it to a minimum.
      Ive never stopped his access with the kid. During lockdown they didn’t see him for a while which he agreed to as he lives with his dad. He then decides against it denying that he agreed and started to refuse maintenance until he had regular access again which I was reluctant to agree to until we attended mediation to sort it out due to the upset he caused the kids, He did still have access though, but mediation never happened. I will look into the options on a legal ruling though, I visited a solicitor but it’s financially out of reach at the moment.

      I did say I’d drop them to him but he wouldn’t have it, so now I have a week of building anxiety knowing that he’s coming. A public place is a good suggestion and one that I’ll Suggest, thanks. I have no intention of involving families anymore. We’ve just started back with once a week contact so I’m hoping he won’t let them down but there’s always that worry.

      Thanks for taking the time to reply, I will definitely look into the suggestions you have made. X

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