23rd December 2021 at 11:10 am #135916
Just not seeing much light at the end of the tunnel right now.
I don’t seem to be making progress recently.
I still miss him, I still cry, I still wish we could of made it, wonder if I did the right thing.
Wonder if I broke him and he wasn’t really that bad, maybe I should of tried harder to work on it.
It’s been a long time now and I thought things were alot better, but I took a downturn and haven’t come back up.
23rd December 2021 at 11:10 am #135917
He also was so not as bad as everything I read.. I know we shouldn’t compare.
But there were so many good things too.
23rd December 2021 at 11:26 am #135919BananaboatParticipant
Oh lovely I’m sorry you’re feeling this, break ups are rough, even harder when you leave an abuser thanks to the cycle. Plus this time of year makes you feel rubbish if your world isn’t picture box perfect.
I wrote a similar post yesterday as he’d started to drop back into my head, but the lovely ladies on here helped plus his actions did the rest! Have you tried writing down the good and bad things, did you keep a journal or photos when together that you could read? Even my good and happy photos prompt reminders of the day after when he’d done something horrible, the other thing is to talk to someone if you can and if not, ask yourself what advice you’d give yourself if you were the friend advising someone in your shoes. But ultimately if you want to go back and try again that’s upto you but do it with clear boundaries, your eyes open, safety plans in place and no expectation he’ll be any different. x
23rd December 2021 at 11:57 am #135920
Thanks, I tried to talk to someone, it all seems like they think I should be over it by now and cannot understand.
Seeing his name written down set me off today, I cannot look at photo’s still. They set me off badly.
Yeah I have my notes, I will look again at them.
Just wish my subconscious would follow my mind. It’s like my mind is ok, but my emotions/feelings are not.
thank you for your support xx
30th December 2021 at 5:48 pm #136276HopefulgreyrockParticipant
I just wish i had on off switch. I don’t know how long they stay i your mind for. Im so sick of him.being in it. Its like a drug addiction. I can’t offer any advice to you. I keep getting told to stay busy but when you’re depressed all you want to do is watch a wall all day.
But i do know. No matter how much we miss them. No matter how they appear to be not that bad compared. They aren’t okay. Not one little bit. We aren’t with them for very good reasons and that won’t change. Weve got to keep going forward.
30th December 2021 at 6:13 pm #136280skyfishParticipant
I get so annoyed when he occupies my thoughts!! Id come so far and recent event and dramas over christmas really set me back. No regrets and I don’t miss him but do in a way miss my old life as it was kind of easier when i put up with the abuse….maybe thats what you miss really, the familiar?
30th December 2021 at 7:19 pm #136282KIP.Participant
Try to remember it’s not him you’re missing. It’s the good time of which there were many, that’s how they keep you hooked in. It may also be a relationship you’re missing. It’s difficult to break what feels normal to us and the Brian pushes the good parts to the front to protect us. Try writing a list of his abuse and how it made you feel x
1st January 2022 at 11:52 pm #136392FallingleavesParticipant
Hi, just wanted to reassure you that I also feel like this. It can be so frustrating when you miss them, and my automatic thought is “I’ve done the wrong thing, it wasn’t that bad, why have I left” etc
It used to scare me too as I was so sure for years that I wanted to leave but was just not brave enough to speak my mind, so why would I want to go back now after all of that?
I think the short answer is just because you were the one that decided to leave doesn’t mean you don’t mourn things too. My therapist has helped me see that this is totally normal. I’ve found Xmas really hard, especially as he’s being really nice at the moment, and seeing the children a lot etc, it’s really hard not to get sentimental about what could of/should of been and also feel like YOU are the one who made this decision, when in fact im sure there are plenty of things HE could’ve done to make it a better relationship.
Anyways, just wanted you to know you’re not alone in the feelings, and also it’s reassuring for me to read others are feeling similar so thank you for sharing x
2nd January 2022 at 4:21 pm #136419ISOPeaceParticipant
Hey there, it must be so hard feeling like this. There is no time when you should be over it. You heal as you’re ready, but I think that would be very hard from a non-survivor to understand. I was just thinking recently how long I lived in perpetual fear of the next time he decided I’d done something wrong and at the same time convinced myself everything was OK. Imagine how much mental and emotional energy that took. There is so much to process and heal from. I can see why women’s aid recommends waiting 2 years before dating again.
I remember your posts from before you left and how incredibly cruel your ex sounds. He may not have been as overtly aggressive and intimidating as some of what you read on here (although inthink some of it was physically cruel) but he absolutely targeted the places that would hurt you the most. That is so, so cruel, and nothing you could have done would justify that. You could not have done anything to make him choose to dominate and control you. He chose to do that. Non-abusive people don’t want to control their partners, they want an equal partnership.
It sounds like there are still remnants of the trauma bond unravelling. I’m sure it’s part of your healing and it’s coming up as you become ready to feel the pain and let it go. You did the right thing by leaving and this pain will pass. Sending lots of love xxxx
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