I still love him and it hurts … a lot 💔

[Redsquirrel]

Hi, I am new to the forum. I have just left a controlling and emotionally abusive relationship. He is the father of my two young children. He has had a tough life and has struggled with his mental health for many years because of this. I feel like the abuse I have suffered is because he is struggling and needs help. I have finally left after being isolated for years from family and friends and not being able to do anything that I wanted. He had a high sex drive and his needs needed to be met most nights. (removed by moderator) after an emergency c section he wanted his needs met. I sought advice from the police and they arrested him which was against my wishes. I feel guilty that he was put through that. I feel heart broken. Why do I miss him? Why don’t I hate him? Did he actually abuse me or did I over exaggerate the whole situation? I feel so unbelievably confused – please help xx

[KIP.]

Hi, none of this is your fault. He chose to abuse you and mental health is not an excuse for abuse. As human beings we miss what is normal to us even if that normal is abusive. My ex expected sex not because he had a high sex drive but he couldn’t stand it when I used the word no. Such was his controlling nature. Talk to the domestic abuse helpline. Get in touch with your local womens aid and read up on trauma bonding, the power and control wheel, cognitive dissonance. Read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. For the police to arrest him he’s broken the law. They arrested my ex too and it was the best thing for me because I was frozen by his abuse. Abuse I didnt recognise. Loving him won’t stop his abuse, having a hard life is no excuse. Children from abusive fathers struggle with mental health more than average. Protect your children from his abuse. Abusing a mother is abusing the child. Try to concentrate on you and your kids. The first time he abused you he gave you permission to leave. Time to look after yourself because he won’t x keep posting and reading other posts. These abusers often use the same tactics x

[Redsquirrel]

Thankyou Kip ❤️ It’s just so difficult because I can’t help but feel that he’s a good person and it wasn’t intentional. I know that doesn’t make it right. I wish he had cheated or done something that would make me be able to hate him, but instead I’m left still loving him and feeling so broken for leaving. I’m trying my hardest to protect the children from the emotional abuse. How do I protect them though when he sees them? Inevitably he will spend time with them as he isn’t a bad father and there isn’t any reason to stop contact.

[Lisa]

Hi Redsquirrel,

Welcome to the forum.

It’s completely understandable that you are having these mixed feelings after leaving an abusive relationship. I hope that by coming here and sharing your experiences, you can gain some perspective from others who have been through similar and how they overcame such feelings. You are not alone in how you feel. It can take time to adjust to life after the abuse, but there are some other support services you may want to look into that can help.

You can access free online courses created by or in partnership with therapists specialising in trauma at Bloom. These courses can be accessed in your own time and at your own pace and cover topics such as trauma, abuse and boundaries.

The Freedom Programme is an 11 or 12 week rolling programme which provides information about male violence to women. This programme identifies the tactics abusers use, the beliefs held by abusers, and the effects that domestic abuse can have on women and children. The Freedom Programme is for women who have experience of domestic abuse, be it in their personal or professional lives. You can start the programme at any time, and you can attend as many or as few sessions as you choose. Each session is entirely confidential, and you can contribute as much, or as little, of your own thoughts and experiences as you like. Many women find this a very useful support group as it is available to women whether they are experiencing current or past abuse. The Freedom Programme is run in many locations across the UK. More information about the Programme can be found on their website.

You could also try calling Supportline who offer confidential emotional support to reach people before they get to “crisis” point. They offer support by telephone, email and post. They work with callers to develop healthy, positive coping strategies, an inner feeling of strength and increased self-esteem to encourage healing, recovery and moving forward with life. They also keep details of counsellors, agencies and support groups throughout the UK. They cover a wide range of issues, including domestic abuse. They can also refer locally. You can contact them on 01708 765200 or visit their website.

There also may be support groups or one-to-one sessions running at your local domestic abuse service, so it’s worth contacting them to see what is available.

I hope this is useful to you. Like KIP mentioned, do keep posting and reading here for continued support also.

All the best,

Lisa

[KIP.]

Be guided by your local womens aid. He will use the children to control you and hurt you further so be very careful. Allowing contact with an abuser, even if he is their father, isn’t good for them and can lead to social services becoming involved. You have to show they you have their best interests at heart. Their safety. It’s going to be painful, like breaking a drug habit but the police think he’s dangerous enough to arrest him. Sometimes we freeze or minimise abuse and don’t have the ability to keep ourselves safe x take all the help you are offered meantime. X

[Runnqueenn]

Having a tough life and issues with mental health are not an excuse to abuse someone. Abuse is a choice.

Yes he abused you, emotional abuse is real and can be one of the worst kinds because it is often hidden, from your friends and family members and also yourself. Do not allow yourself to justify his behaviour, there is not and never will be any excuse for treating another person the way he has treated you.

I made the mistake of leaving and going back, do not make the same mistake I did. I left the first time, I let him get back into my head and went back to him because it was the easy option. I thought I missed him, everything was wonderful for (detail removed by Moderator) after I returned and I convinced myself he was a ‘new man’. He wasn’t, within (detail removed by Moderator) the behaviours returned and it took another (detail removed by Moderator) years for me to finally gather the strength to leave for good. (detail removed by Moderator) years of my life that I could have spent living as a free woman and healing.

Now I’m finally out, my head has cleared and I can see him for exactly who he is. You will do the same, you need time, but you will start to make sense of the situation and come to terms with what has happened. Stay strong, if you can’t do it for you, do it for your children x

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