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Hi there. I think I am married to a toxic person.. we have two children. Honestly I don’t know where to start. Main issues and signs of abuse:
– it is ALWAYS my fault.. if something broke in the car “you are driving not well and that’s why it happened”. If our daughter is crying “why is she crying, maybe you gave her nothing to eat”. If I am saing I am upset because he shouted at me he sais “because you are not co-operating with me” etc.
– constantly swearing knowing that I hate it..
– saing that he is working so hard, earning money, doing what he can and I am doing nothing just sitting at home with the kids
– there is no emotional support at all.. if I fell physically or emotionally bad he is like “oh come on, stop this”
– loose his temper very often especially when driving car..
– outside home he is very nice man but inside… and also he has always some issues with someone at his work or with the neighbour and of course iit is always somebody elses fault.
– if I am not doing what he wants then he is either silent and ignoring me,angry and shoutig at me or making things on purpose which I don’t like.
– he is slapping me in my a*s quite often and ignoring that I ask him not to do itPlease can you tell me what I could do? There is no violence such as hiting me so I don’t know if that is serious? But I just feel so lonely and bad, I feel I can’t be myself with him and I can’t stand that anymore 🙁
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Your relationship sounds very much like mine.
Read some of the other posts on here. I found them enlightening.
I’m slowly realising that maybe he is abusive but quite frankly I talk myself round in circles.
Ultimately though I do think this. I am doing my very very best to make him happy. What is he doing that makes me happy??
Also I’m slowly discovering you shouldn’t have to be anything other than you. If I have to change myself then potentially that’s unhealthy and wrong.
Like I say, this site has been a good starting point. I might call the number soon. Cos right now he’s the most toxic thing in my life.
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Yes I read posts here and I know I am in the right place.. I called the helpline but they are very busy, I will try again when my kids will go yo sleep.
I forgot to mention about financial abuse. He is working, I am at home with little kids. I don’t have the access to money, he is saing the account is his and that’s it. I need to ask him for money everytime I need to buy food. I have a credit card and I am on debt all the time because if I need anything he is saing “do you really need this? I don’t think so.” He is also saing “go and earn the same money as me, I can happily take care of the kids and house.” … -
Hi there,
Your husband sounds emotionally abusive and like you have said, also financially abusive. Blaming you for everything, monitoring access to money for food, driving dangerously, aggressive behaviour at home, not supporting you emotionally, using the silent treatment as ‘punishment’ for not following his ‘rules,’ Jekyll and Hyde personality, swearing and touching you sexually against your will are all markers of abusive behaviour.
Abuse usually starts off as emotional then escalates.
Definitely keep ringing the helpline, they were amazing when I was also wondering about my relationship, they helped make everything so clear.
I’d also do a search for your local domestic abuse team, often these numbers are less busy. My local team has a helpline and they were also brilliant. There is a search facility on this website you can use.
Google the power and control wheel, coercive control and ‘living with the dominator’ to help understand what he is doing better.
The helpline and local team will help you to decide next steps. Well done for posting and I’m sorry you’re having to go through this, you definitely deserve better.
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SunshineRainflower thank you so much for your support! I will definitely do something about it.. I also have to admit that he influenced me so much that sometimes I change my behaviour, control myself and feel stressed when he comes back home or comes into the room and I am just sitting chating with my mum for example, I put the phone down and start doing something like cleaning etc.
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Gosh, this sounds a lot like my relationship too. Slapping me on the a*s in a jokey way, a lot of silent treatment & telling me to go out and work full time while he looks after the kids if I’m not happy (whilst also objecting to my part-time job-confusing)! The other thing is holidays-he is so horrible to me on holiday & looks for ways to cause fights. I can never understand that at a supposedly happy time with the kids. I need to gather up the strength to leave.
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Fightforyourself
Do keep trying the number. I got through and they were so unbelievably helpful. They put no pressure on and just gave sound advice and suggested some things for me to read (which I did and they have helped a lot).
It’s totally unfair and unnecessary that you should be in credit card debt in order to live. He may earn the money but he is responsible for the kids.
I also jump straight off the sofa and start cleaning or at least doing something if I can tell he is in a mood. If I sit still I feel like I’m asking for trouble. It’s a horrible way to live, which is why I’m determined to get out.
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