I think i know it is….

[Fleur]

Hello, this is my 1st post…
We’ve been married almost (removed by moderator) yrs, together for (removed by moderator).

When it’s good, it’s very good. He is generous, kind, funny and supportive.
When it’s bad, he gets angry… he goes red in the face and explodes and it frightens me. We had a disagreement the other night and the following day I told him he frightens me when he gets angry, to which he got really angry, told me I could f**k off (detail removed by moderator) – so I did move all of my stuff out of our bedroom and part of me was relieved actually. He then said, “next year (removed by moderator) we will separate”.
I’m kinda used to these threats, whenever he loses it, he threatens me with this stuff. I don’t ever feel physically threatened, the shouting and anger is enough to get my heart racing.

if I say something he doesn’t like, if I contradict him, if I look at my phone while we are watching a tv programme, when my opinion is more grey than black or white (I’m a bit of a fence sitter on many topics and like to see both sides of things), if I change my mind about something, if I’m having a bad day, (I’m peri-menopausal, studying for a (removed by moderator) degree, training our 1yr old doggie with a trainer, running the home, shopping, cooking, cleaning, washing, sorting the finances and I can get low with my hormones all over the place). Plus, we are regular runners, so with all that I do, I am trying to keep up my fitness – he would never admit it, but doesn’t like it when I put on weight – (removed by moderator).

He belittles me sometimes and calls me thick, then laughs when I say it’s hurtful, stating “c’mon, it’s just a joke”.

So, two days later, here i am feeling sorry for him!!

The thing is, I am a strong and confident woman – I work hard, play hard and I like for tasks to be achieved well. I can be intense, but this can be a positive in certain areas of my life, it can also be difficult for others to live with I am sure.

His children (they are grown) don’t really live with us at the moment, covid has sent them to live with a partner and (removed by moderator), but he has a fractious relationship with them a lot of the time. His mother is a judgemental woman of faith and is often disapproving of my husband – I love our children very much, but now they are older, they fall out with him when they spend too much time with him, as now (removed by moderator), they stand up for themselves.

I have asked him in the past to seek counselling/therapy for his anger management, but he refuses. He was widowed (removed by moderator)yrs ago (the mother of his children), he turned to alcohol and is now sober (removed by moderator)  – lots to contend with emotionally, but other than AA, he never sought any support.

Yes, I did want to save him, I admit it!! When we met, he was the sweetest, kindest and most adoring partner I’d ever had – but that has changed. I moved (removed by moderator) miles away from my family and friends and whilst I don’t think this was a plan (he’s not that devious), it suits him that I’m always available and here – I do everything!

I was in psychotherapy for (removed by moderator)yrs, the best investment i ever made in my life – and i remember her expressing doubts over our relationship. She said, “when it’s good, it’ll be great, but when it’s bad, you’ll suffer” – she seemed to know him better than I did, but I didn’t listen.

Now he’s calmer, i can feel myself getting sucked back in to the marriage – yesterday I was resolute to live separately until next year, then I would take my doggie and we would find a place together – I actually really liked the prospect.

We haven’t spoken for (removed by moderator) days – but I know him and i know he’s softened and will attempt to resolve this. Then he’ll tell me it was my fault and I am difficult to live with and I need to calm down and I am the one who needs help – heard that before, so many times.

This is a very long message, so I appreciate anyone having the time to read it.

Is this emotional abuse??

Thank you, Fleur x

[Living Warrior]

First of all, welcome Fleur, and well done for reaching out.
I am sure you will get lots more responses and advice from this forum as everyone here is really helpful and understanding.
reading through your post, hit me bit harder than most do, as your relationship sounds similar to how mine was at times. I too thought i could save my ex and spent 11 years trying to do so. Now i know better.
these types of men take advantage of our “helpful” nature and in the long term they become dependant on us strong women, to the point we do everything and they do nothing. we essentially become their “mothers” all the boring day to day c**p of living we do. and they are left with whatever they want. much like a child.
we think we are helping when really all we are doing is enabling them. letting them continue this way. like again a spoilt child. we want to help them so bad we get clouded by that. like i said i am exactly the same. still now i struggle to tell when friends and family are taking the p*ss and asking too much, because i like to help!

i think it would be great idea for you to have a look at “the freedom programme” https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/lwd.php and read through ‘living with the dominator’ by Pat Craven these are available from the link to view online for a small fee. It is surprising how many traits of these men are in this book.. it helped me get my head straight and stopped me from having that mind set that “he needs help” as you said, you have told him he may need to see someone like a therapist and he has denied that, as did my ex. In this book and programme, i learned a lot.
What i learned from my own experience tho, is that as long as their ‘methods’ are working, and they are getting what they want from you, these methods are very doubtful to change.
the problem then becomes when these methods stop working. When we start to question things as you are now, they panic and change ‘the rules of the game’ this eventually will lead to an escalation in physical violence, as he feels as he is losing control.
contact your local women’s aid, and get help to leave, as that is the peak of his losing control.
stay safe. please keep intouch. you are not alone. good luck on your journey.

[Fleur]

Thank you very much for your kind and supportive reply…

Firstly, I applaud you for ‘getting out’ – i hope you are happy, safe and well.

Oh my gosh, I am his Mother – he will even call me mummy sometimes, to be jovial and tongue in cheek. Thing is, I am not a push over generally – I never like to hurt anyone, but if i don’t have capacity to give, then I don’t, my therapist taught me that.
Saying that, I am a sucker for a person in need, always have been, I had a needy mother.

You are so right, I am an enabler and I allow him to be the spoilt child.
I ‘do’ everything, then I get overloaded and he says “just ask me”, so I ask and he huffs n puffs like a child and often does half a job.
Our (removed by moderator) is on the blink, so I asked him again to please (removed by moderator), he said “oh god, I hate doing things like that” – but I insisted saying I have so much to do with my studies – anyway, he did do it and (removed by moderator).

A few weeks ago I was on placement (removed by moderator) and was chatting with a colleague, I made some remark about “looking after my husband” and she said “does your husband need looking after”? I said “well, yeah he does” – she was a bit stunned and went quiet.
My step daughter told me recently, if I hadn’t married her dad, she would’ve found it so difficult to leave him and go to university.

Thing is…. I don’t want to do this/live like this anymore, I am compromising all I believe in, I’m a bit of a feminist for goodness sake!!! I don’t want to make love to him (the way he makes love to me has also changed), but i feel so stuck… it’s almost like I’m so used to it, that either today, or tomorrow he’ll smile at me and say “c’mon, can we sort this” and I’ll crumble and give in because i am stuck here… I have no money, I can’t rent a place as I’m a student and it’s easier to give in… does that make sense? or am I compromising myself because I don’t want to leave my lovely home, my doggie, my life as I know it?? – yes, perhaps! If he upped and left tomorrow, that would be ok, I spent (removed by moderator)yrs single before I met him and whilst I had lonely times, for the most part, I was happy and content.
I live in his house, with his stuff, and his life…. I cook, shop, clean, wash, keep, sort, fix, mend, i DO everything, am I mad???

I blame myself for enabling him and not having the knowledge or strength to know how to get him to see what’s happening between us… when i stand strong though and say “no, this has got to change, you need to address your behaviour towards me” apparently, I am the crazy one.
I realise i am rambling at you, thank you for listening… if nothing else, it’s good for me to write this down and re-read the tragedy of it all.

I enable his behaviour – that is really resonating with me.
Thank you so much.
I will take a look at the freedom programme.
Fleur x

[Living Warrior]

and i apologise for the lack of “to the point”. yes i class what you have said as emotional abuse. i am sure if you just glance at the link and the “types of men” in the book, you will see characteristics of you husband in them.

the bully- sulks, smashes things, shouts, glares
the headworker- puts you down, tells you that you are too thin, fat, ugly, stupid, useless, etc.
the persuader- threatens to hurt people, cries, says he loves you, threatens to kill himself, threatens to report you to social services, benefit offices etc.
the liar- denies the abuse, says it was “only a slap”, blames drink or drugs, stress, over-work,you, unemployment etc.
king of the castle- treats you as a slave, says women are for cooking, cleaning, sex, expects sex on demand, controls money.

there are more…
but you get the idea, not every man is one of those dominators, some are one type like a bully, or a king of the castle. others have a mixture of each one, some have every aspect of every dominator. (the book and course also show you the nice types of men too 🙂 ) this really put things into perspective for me, and that was when i knew i had to leave.
so i hope that clears things up a bit for you.

[Fleur]

Based on these characteristics, my husband is a bully, a headworker and a persuader, gosh that’s depressing!
What the hell am I doing??
So much to consider and sort and do….

[Eggshells]

Hi Fleur,

Welcome to the forum.

The behaviour that you describe does sound like very nasty psychological abuse. Almost every woman on this forum will identify with what you have written.

Please do read “Living with the Dominator” by Pat Craven. It’s a very manageable book, even gor someone who is keeping as many plates spinning as you are. You will probably find that you are living with more abusive behaviour than you realise. I would recommend that you stay in the spare room. Prop the door shut so that you can’t be disturbed by him. It will give you time and space to get your head around your new understanding of your relationship.

There will beca local domestic abuse charity in your area. I recommend that you contact them for support. Some charities are more effective than others and if you happen to get a good one, they can be really helpful. They will walk through this journey with you and can give you advice about your options.

Womens Aid also have a chat line and there is whole world of experience and expertise on the forum. The ladies here have been the most useful, caring and consistent support for me over the last few years, so please do keep posting with questions and to let us know how you are getting on.

[Fleur]

Hello eggshells,

Thank you for your reply, I am so very grateful x

It’s hard to reach out to a local charity for abused women, because I can’t quite identify with being one at the moment, I hope that makes sense. But, I will consider it… I don’t want to identify with being a victim I suppose.

I’m here in this forum though and that’s a good start, I know he’s abusive and controlling and mean and then he’s lovely and kind and thoughtful and has potential and I roll over for a peaceful life!

It really makes me feel like I’m the mad one, but deep down I know I’m not.

I’ve just bought the book you recommended, thank you x

[Living Warrior]

Fleur, no hun, you are not mad. This is why i had to reply, there are so many similarities with your relationship and my own.
They make us feel as if we are going mad, like if we report any of this then we will be judged and thrown in the loony bin, that we will lose all we have. and that fear is what keeps us there.
The reality is, this dominator wears many hats, he can change to many types of people, charming to friends and family, a bully in the home, a head worker, a liar, he will switch quickly and frequently so we think that WE are the problem.
these men pray on our own insecurities, they pray on the things they know about us.
Your “step daughter” i think it was u said, wouldnt have gone to uni… because he has done the same type of tactics on her. made her feel like you do now. she was able to leave because you replaced her in his “mummy” fantasy of being looked after and supported.

i can see by what you write that you are a strong woman, i can also see he hasnt quite broke you down so much that you dont realise that! this is great news. as it means that you still have the ability to see things that are wrong.
i was so far under my ex spell, it took a doctor to tell me that they couldnt see if my child had ASD or if the home situation was causing my child to have anxiety. i had been told by other people, friends, professionals etc to get intouch with dv charities and i never once ever even considered it because i thought it was all normal!

that took me to a new guilt that to this day i cannot shake, that i stayed too long and it had a detremental effect on my children.

you can do this, you are an amazing women, and this is just another weight that is dragging you down.

i went to a therapy group, and they used this visualization.

picture yourself in a hot air balloon,
you are trying desperately to get off the ground.
but the bags of sand are so numerous that you cannot leave the ground.
you cut off a couple, ( these may be people who you thought were friends but now realise arent)
you balloon lifts slightly, which feels good,
so you look around for the other stuff you dont need..
it may be those clothes that you havnt wore in years…and you cut them off too…
you rise more…and you feel better..
eventually you are floating above houses and trees…but not high enough to catch the wind and fully have the experience you deserve in the balloon.. but here is the heaviest and hardest bag to cut off…
the one with the dominator attached to it making it heavier….
you know if you cut it off you will sore and things will be amazing like u want….
but he is pleading, using his tactics of threats etc or suicide or anything he can do to stop you cutting him off… “i will fall and i will die! you will kill me!!”
then you realise, he has a parachute attached to him which he cud save himself if he fell…
its your choice…

i realised after attending “power to change” support group at womens aid, that these men, are MEN! they have choices and they are capable of looking after themselves. Its their choice to behave how they do, its their choice not to get help when they know they need it…. and its OUR choice to leave because they are slowly killing us….our souls our spirit….

i always thought that stronger people should help the weak…and he took advantage of that.
now i see, that strong people can help the weak, if the weak are willing to help themselves!!
🙂 we cant do things FOR them, but we can help and support them in doing things THEMSELVES.

hope this helps x*x

[Living Warrior]

Fleur, its a lot to come to terms with.
so please take your time. Dont rush things as this will make things worse in your own head.
step by step. we are all here for you. my lovely.
please keep intouch.

[Empoweredhealing]

Hi fleur, you have gotten a lot if good advice. I just want to chime in to mention that the “good times” when he’s being “nice” is also part of the abuse cycle. You see, it’s the drug that keeps us hooked. And abusers do this on purpose when they sense us slipping away. It’s part of the manipulation.
When he’s nice, it’s not because he has true remorse, insight or wants to be a good partner. “Niceness” is an essential tool in the abuser’s arsenal. It’s how they keep their partner imprisoned for years, decades.

[Fleur]

The thing is, I can’t quite admit to myself that he is abusing me and knows he is, because it’s disgusting.
Can he really be that rotten and messed up that he knows how to abuse me, then be nice and manipulate me??
I’ve since realised, the reason he got so angry with me for saying I’m frightened of him when he gets angry is because his ex said the same and apparently she had reason to be frightened because he would throw stuff and punch doors, but he doesn’t do that with me, so what have I got to be frightened of??? gosh… I can hear myself and I am very aware of what is going on… He used to drink when he was with her, so apparently, his anger outbursts were much worse – but now he doesn’t drink that makes me what, the lucky one!??

I can’t stay with him, I don’t want to. I am really sad my marriage is over, it’s only been a few years. I am no spring chicken and (detail removed by moderator), so that’s depressing. However, I won’t stay like this for the rest of my life, I would rather be on my own.

It’s ok at the moment, because he’s sulking and feeling sorry for himself – at some point he will attempt to rekindle or something and when I tell him it’s over he will react badly, I just know it.

Thank you for reaching out – I’m here too, you’re not alone x

[Empoweredhealing]

I hear you. I would say that most of the rage and manipulation is (detail removed by moderator). Meaning that the abuser feels a building up of tension due to their own insecurities and internal shame. Their shame rears it’s head whenever something doesn’t go their way or even at the slightest criticism or feedback. Then they attack you because they feel attacked. Rage allows them not to feel shame.

In the beginning, the most confusing thing for me was that my ex seemed to be happiest when I was most miserable. After an abusive episode, I could see him visibly relaxed. It was like he emotionally vomited all over me and now felt better while I felt traumatized. When I suspected that it was abuse, I would have panic attacks when I thought about it. Because how could my beautiful boy be an abuser and how could a modern woman like me end up in an abusive relationship?

So yes it will be a process. Give yourself time to listen to your intuition. And lean on resources like this forum, books and videos. You’ll find the way that’s best for you!

[Hawthorn]

Hi Fleur,

You’ve had great advice and sound so very strong.Abusers learn and adapt with every partner they have, he likely used more subtle psychological techniques of coercion and control on you than he did with his first partner. Pe be very careful about telling your husband the marriage is over. Abusers are at their most dangerous when they feel they are losing control. He may cry and plead and beg forgiveness, he may escalate to threats, intimidation and violence. He will likely switch between these two in an effort to make you stay. Leaving is the most dangerous time for a woman so plan carefully, women’s aid have some great resources on their website. Take the very best care x*x

[Eggshells]

It’s hard to reach out to a local charity for abused women, because I can’t quite identify with being one at the moment,

Yes, that does make sense. It takes time to understand what has been happening in your relationship and to come to terms with it. The whole framework on which you thought you based your relationship has tilted and you need to find your balance.

As Living Warrior said, you do need to take this journey at your own pace. You’ll know when the time is right to take each step on this journey.

[Fleur]

Just to say a hearty thank you to you all for your support, kindness and advice today, it means a great deal to me and I am very touched.
You’ve all made me smile, question lots, see myself and think…
I can’t live like this anymore, I’m worth so much more.
I’ve contacted my best friend and my mum too… they are in the loop and so are you lovely ladies, I am not alone.

I will keep you posted!

Fleur xx

[Catjam]

Hi, hope you are well. I found a book by Lundy Bancroft really helpful too. It’s ‘why does he do that’. I did everything for mine too. Even down to getting him any (detail removed by moderator) he needed. I used to wake him every morning with a drink even if I didn’t need to go to work. I was (detail removed by moderator) and even though I was very ill, I would set an alarm so I could (detail removed by moderator) to wake him for work. I came home to a pile of washing and a bed that hadn’t been changed for the whole time I was away.
It takes time to admit to yourself it is abuse. I have probably known for several years but it’s only been the past couple of years I actually started reading up on it. I got in touch with my gp who put me in touch with a local support group. I have also done the freedom programme online.
I still doubt myself about it all. I have finally left but it’s annoying that I have left everything behind.
Read and research as much as you can. I have only been out a few days and worry about the future. The support on here is amazing so keep talking to us.
Take care xx

[Fleur]

Hi Catjam,

Thank you for taking the time to read and reply, I will look at the book you’ve suggested.

I am going to contact citizens advice on Monday and I will contact my GP too.

At the moment, I am feeling strong and determined – however, I have been here before so many times, I hope I can trust myself to stay resolute to leave him. We haven’t spoken since he kicked me out of our bedroom and I am partly enjoying cooking for myself, the peace and having early nights in the spare room.

Well done to you for getting out, I’m sorry to hear you left everything, but they are only things right? Although, the thought of leaving all my things worries me and yet they are material, but I can’t just walk out and go where?? You are safe and have peace and no one to answer to and nobody to be a slave for…. I am quite sure you are very deserving of safety, peace and freedom, your basic human rights!!

Stay strong and keep safe in your new found peace, can I ask what worries you about the future?

Best wishes,

Fleur x

[Rosemary]

Hello Fleur

I am so proud of you for reaching out to us
What your going thought it’s not easy but I do feel for you because your husband sounds
Like my partner it is abuse and also his trying to control me your husband doing the same thing . when my partner talks louder or gets aggressive he wants control of the situation he wants to be the boss and make sure I feel at my lowest its horrible. When I tell my parnter that
It’s not nice seeing his abusive he makes him do it even more I feel telling our husband or partner how we feel makes them do it even more because they now excually how it makes us feel . I now its horrible I dont tell my partner how he makes me feel anymore because the more I told him the more he would get abusive be controling get me down . At times he seen my shakeing he did not care he would carry on with abusers they dont see what we can see in them because what they are doing they think it is right .

You are a strong lady and I believe you will have the beautiful life you deserve keep reaching out puting your post up we all on here help each other get thought our days . You can contact women aid private message also domestic abuse helpline .

I also gave my partner advice to get help for his anger issue his abuse and aggressive behaviour he dont listen he never gets help with thease issues the thing is being abusive and controling is not a illness but it would help my parnter if he went to anger management and even talk to a counsellor and take medication to make him cope with things but he dont want to now . My partner now what he is doing to me because his told me . One a man is abuser I don’t think they ever change I’ve been with my partner for some years now his not changed one bit his got worse time .

When I have confidence to leave my partner I would never go back to him his made me poorly thought out of my life with him I deserve a better life .I find if I say my own thoughts and feelings my partner dont like it is because he likes to be in control and your husband is doing the same with you because he argues with you to try and get that control over you its horrible.

Please think about your own health and wellbeing you come first you deserve all the best . I wish you all the best sending you hugs

[Fleur]

Thank you Rosemary,
You do indeed deserve a better life, have you left him??

Thing is, I guess we try and try and hope and hope we can help them to change, but if they don’t see what they are doing as wrong, we are just banging our heads against a brick wall!

I wanted to help my husband (he’s got issues and insecurities, he’s quite damaged), but he’s crossed a line this time, I cannot forgive him for this – he’s kicked me out of our (detail removed by moderator) and ordered me to sleep in the (detail removed by moderator), because I told him he frightens me. That is so messed up!
If someone I love told me they were frightened of me, I would be utterly mortified and would make every effort to repair and consider my actions that had lead them to feel that way, or at the very least, explore them with that person. He’s pushed me too far and I cannot forgive him for this… if I do, what am I saying to him about me as a person? I am worthless, my feelings count for nothing, treat me however you wish?
Thank you, all of these messages have given me so much strength, my health and wellbeing does come first, I promise to try and keep that in the forefront of my mind when he tries to rekindle – it’s coming, I can feel it.

I wish you all the best too, big hugs back x

[Catjam]

I worry because suddenly my life is my own. I have no one to turn to if I have no money or anything. One of my girls has stopped talking to me and I fear our relationship is damaged.

I had counselling which made me realise that I was worth more. It wasn’t about dealing with anything I had gone through, she explained that her job was to help me remember that I was a person with a right to be happy. Once these sessions ended, she advised me to seek more help after I had settled in my new home. Help dealing with living with this man for so long.

[Fleur]

I can fully appreciate the worry about life now being your own – it’s a lot to take on board and a whole new way of being for you, it worries me for me too.
Possibly like me, over and over again you forgave, looked past it, were quiet for a quiet life and yet inside knew you were suffering and how much we have forgotten to be the person we once were, or want to be – how we know we deserve so much more from a relationship, how we yearn to be loved for all we are and all we are not.
You have this opportunity now, you have wounds to heal and they will take time, you have a new life to discover and that will take adjustment.
I am sorry to hear about one of your girls – that is painful, but I hope in time she comes round, please give her time.
I have (detail removed by moderator) and they’ve been on the receiving end of their father’s anger for years and now I am here they have almost left home and don’t feel they need to care for him any longer – I fear they will resent me and be angered at me leaving, because they will have to pick up the pieces (that’s how they will feel) and I feel for them. Hopefully now they are older, they will understand, but it worries me.
I want to scream from the rooftop right now!

[Rosemary]

So true what your saying Fleur that we bang our head against a brick wall or we might as well talk to our self . I feel I use to much energy trying to express my feelings and worrys to my partner I just go quite now I just dont say anything because
Even if I do he dont take my feelings in to consideration he is always right what he says if I dont look at him while he talks to me he calls my name expecting me to look at him . Just for my partner to give me abusive he makes me feel so weak physically and mentally .

I tried to help my partner we just cant even give advice my partner said to me my advice makes him
Feel worse I really dont understand when I am
Trying to help. My partner feels insecure
With me we been together for years and he feels
Like that with my partner feeling insecure what
He does is try and control me which ain’t right
Being abusive make me feel low and depressed because of how he feels he takes it all on me
.how can my partner feel insecure with me like
You said that If our loved ones love us they would
Want to get better in there selfs and actually care of what they are doing to us . Feeling
Insecure dont mean that my partner has to get
Abusive and aggressive try and control me
Does this really come under feeling insecure
Because it really confuse me at time with men feeling insecure?

Well done for thinking of your self because your
Health and wellbeing and your own life matters.
You will get there hun I now how you feel when
Struggling and over thinking things you have been thought I do the same thing . We only wish we could change our loved ones but if they really
Wanted to change I am sure they would have the
Heart to do this .

I totally agree with you if someone told me
They was frightened I would do anything to
Make things better get help and support.

I cant ever forget what my parnter puts me thought
It plays on my mind all the time thank you for careing I really deserves better life than i have now .

I am so glade all thease messagea give you strength always here for you hun please take care

[Eyesopening]

Hi Fleur,
I can also totally relate and felt emotional reading your post as its so similar to my experience. Even the fact of telling my partner: i am scared of you. His reaction was to get angry, red in the face, slam his fist on the table and tell me ‘I have not even seen him Angry’
I totally relate with your story, its taken me about 3 years since first suspecting he was abusive to now being 100% sure, I watched vids on YouTube, read books, chatted online with womens aid. But the thing that really made me see light is this forum. Keep reading and researching.
Even after the occasion above I had left but went back to him. Look up cognitive dissonance, trauma bond and intermittent reinforcement. Actually now we need to fight with our biology to get out. Write everything down, i have long lists of reasons to go and all his abusive behavior. Slowly make a plan, ( I still have not got out- but I feel really close to being successful now)
I would not waste anytime confronting him
About his behavior, that will Just drain you or your energy. Its really pointless talking to an abuser about how your feel, what you need. I keep everything to myself now and it means i have alot more clarity because I don’t fall for his excuses or lies anymore. Also i have always been advised to never confront him your leaving him when your alone. You must be careful and slowly start to separate yourself from him. It will make leaving easier. I feel so unsafe i plan to leave when he is away and send an email once safe. I know if i do it to his face, he will use his power over me to convince me otherwise, or i may be subjected to violence. It isn’t like a normal breakup.
But womens aid will help you make a plan.
Also i just read In the Flo by Alisa Vitta, she says women have 4 phases during their monthly cycle, during follicular and ovulation, your more likely to overlook relationship problems and be able to carry on. But during the luteal and menstrual phases, its a time where relationship problems cannot be ignored. So i feel this is another factor in our cycle of stay/go confusion.
All the best x*x

[Fleur]

Hello eyesopening,

Thank you for your kind words and the energy in your message to me, I am touched and very grateful to you.
I am sorry to hear you are no out yet, but feel inspired by you being close to it, writing things down and gaining your strength and intentions to do so – keep that energy going please x

Very interesting about monthly cycles, I will definitely read up about that.

I won’t confront him – we’ve not spoken a word for 5 days now, he’s punishing me for telling him I’m frightened of him when he’s angry and I know he believes he’s justified. I am still in the spare room, each day I am busy with all the things I am doing and I like going to bed on my own, watching what I want on TV and checking my phone if i want to – it’s actually quite nice until I remember the misery of where I am at.

There are moments when I feel great strength and i know the marriage is over, then I find myself emotionally overcome and fearful.

Truth is, he disgusts me now and yet I feel sorry for him – that is very messed up and I never thought I would be in this position. I’m a bit feisty and head strong at times, I know generally what I want and don’t want and I can express it – and yet here I am being dominated, bullied, emotionally abused and walking on egg shells out of fear I will upset the man I married!!

I’m not quite sure what will happen – we can’t really separate until next year (it’s a financial thing) and last time I took advice from a solicitor, they advised me to stay in the house, or I lose what i am entitled to. How crazy is the law?? Abused women being advised to stay in the house with their abuser in order to get their share, or get out into a shelter and leave everything you’ve worked hard for?? i cannot fathom that at all.

Keeping things to yourself resonates with me – I tend to do that more in recent times, as the fight just isn’t worth it. But I resent him as I can’t express myself anymore – I roll over, just like a good doggie, then he rewards me with being ‘nice’ to me!

Look after yourself and keep me posted on your progress towards leaving and please stay safe.

Big hugs,

Fleur x

[Eyesopening]

Hi Fleur
I know exactly what you mean! I do not recognize myself anymore, I never used to put up with any rubbish from anyone, I always put myself first (maybe even too much at times)
And now, yes, I roll over because I am too tried and I know it is useless to say anything. So letting it out somewhere written (but safe) is so important to me.
I am waiting for some energy to get away, but I am always feeling SO drained. My job is stressful and so busy right now. I can’t do both.
Can you get another opinion from a different solicitor?
If you can continue in the spare room till you say for financial reason its ok to leave, then even better. I think the less time spent around them the better.
Stay safe x*x

[Fleur]

Hey,

Apologies it’s been a while since I logged on!

How are you?

I’m out the spare room and back in our bed – promises of this and that and I don’t have the strength/courage/determination to go yet, in fact I really don’t have anywhere to go! Spare room is now occupied by our (removed by moderator), so I’m out, she’s in.

So I’ve rolled over, things are settled for now and will stay that way until something ‘upsets’ him and the beat goes on….

I’m sorry to hear you are tired, but I do understand. People say ‘oh you’re in an abusive relationship, you should just leave’, if only it were that easy eh?

I feel quite numb at the moment, I don’t really take much pleasure in anything anymore – I am not depressed, I just don’t really feel much of anything. I adore my dog and I just seem to go through the motions with everything else. I long to be on my own, with my dog and just be… it will come, I have faith it will and all of this will be behind me. Being numb is just a way of coping for now.

He works from home, so he’s ALWAYS here, so that doesn’t help – I study at home because uni and covid etc… soon I tell myself, just be patient.

Must sign off for now,

Take care of you, I’ll keep you in my thoughts,

Fleur xx

[ISOPeace]

Hi Fleur, I’m sorry to hear how things are for you at the moment. You articulate a great understanding of what’s going on for somebody quite new to the forum. You are on your way out of this relationship for sure.

I haven’t read all the comments on this post so apologies if I’m repeating anyone, but there were a few things I read that I wanted to comment on.

I also wonder whether my husband is really knowingly manipulative. Part of me really can’t imagine that he’s that clever 😂 But I can definitely accept that he’s doing it unconsciously – unconscious in terms of seeing how all the phases of the cycle of abuse work together and working out what he can get away with. I mean that the manipulation is instinctive, in the same way a baby instinctively knows how to respond in ways that strengthen its bond with its mother (although of course very different in that baby is displaying healthy behaviour!). Whether it’s conscious or not doesn’t actually matter to me though, because the effect on me is the same and a reasonable person would accept that his behaviour is completely unreasonable and abusive.

Your husband’s response to you saying he frightens you is so typical of an abuser. He has no interest in showing you that there is no need to be frightened, he only cares about wearing you down and forcing you into submission. He sees you saying he frightens as a sign that you’re standing up for yourself and that you’re calling him out on the abuse. Abusers hate this, because if you know it’s abuse and that it’s not your fault, you might leave and he’ll lose control! So abusers do what he’s doing, or other tactics might be accusing you of being the abuser or a fake show of remorse and grovelling. You are absolutely right – unfortunately abusers don’t care about our feelings and don’t respect us as people. They see us as possessions, as things there to meet their needs.
You said you feel strong at times. That strength will never leave you. You may have times when you feel weaker but the strength will come back. If you feel that strength and can see though his behaviour (which I can tell from your posts that you can) you are probably very close emotionally to being able to leave.

Obviously I don’t know your personal circumstances but I would question the advice of your solicitor. My solicitor told me that staying in the house can make more straightforward from a legal perspective but if they were me, they wouldn’t stay in an abusive situation. I think talking to other solicitors is good advice. It might seem like just another year but don’t underestimate the trauma caused by abuse, which a lot of us aren’t even really aware of. Also, if you tell him it’s over, there’s a good chance he will escalate his abuse. That is very common and is why leaving an abuser is usually the most dangerous time. Please think seriously before telling him you want to leave. Things could get really bad, especially if he has a history of violent outbursts with a previous partner (why did he even tell you that? To make you feel lucky you weren’t getting the same treatment). When it got close to me leaving, I think my husband could tell and his behaviour got worse, including punching/kicking things in the house, which he hadn’t done before.

I’m really glad you shared that you are a strong person and also that Eyesopening shared that she never used to put up with anything from anyone. It shows how anyone can get trapped in an abusive relationship. Many people think they got stuck because they’re weak, but from all the reading I’ve done, being stuck is because of having been manipulated over time. In fact I’ve read that one of the most likely common things that abusers look for in a victim is empathy, which is undoubtedly a really good thing to have in every other part of life. Abuse involves trauma and when we experience trauma we cling to those nearest us for support…. Which the abuser gives when he wants to….. then more abuse/trauma etc etc and we’re left emotionally exhausted and confused. Anybody surviving in an abusive relationship is strong, because they’re surviving despite suffering trauma caused by somebody they should be able to trust. You can feel weak but even though you’re strong. Abusers want us to feel weak to keep us stuck and submissive but they can’t change who we fundamentally are. Sending love xxxx

[Fleur]

Hello ISOPeace,
I haven’t logged on for a couple of weeks and it’s been really touching to read your kind, empathic and supportive message to me, thank you so much!

So, the update is this….
He calmed down after (removed by moderator) days of us not talking and I was settled in the spare room (I didn’t sleep very well, but really enjoyed the peace and quiet for the most part), so he decided to rekindle. He said we could separate next year if that’s what I want and he’ll share all he has with me,(I don’t believe that, as in the past he’s threatened me that if I leave, he’ll make sure I get nothing!) then he said he will go into counselling/therapy if it will save our marriage – (removed by moderator) have passed and no efforts have been made towards this. I am gullible and trusting, hopeful too I suppose…

It was lovely to read what you wrote about us being empathic – we are, in abundance and a super quality to have indeed. I will not lose my faith in humanity over this.

I will stay strong, I am determined and I have the support and kindness of you lovely lot – reading and re-reading all these wonderfully supportive messages of strength do give me courage!

I will contact another solicitor in good time….

Can I ask, have you left your husband? How are you?

Fleur xx

Our daughter came home (removed by moderator) (she’d been away for months) and I couldn’t stay in her room any longer – so, back in the marital bed I go. He’s mostly being nice.

I don’t cry anymore with him, those days are long gone. He says I’m harder than I used to be, that I have become distant, but he’s either too arrogant or too stupid to associate my hardness with his behaviour towards me

I’m going through the motions at the moment, there are days I feel proud of myself for having such strength and others I feel the most overloaded i have ever felt and utterly drained by it all.

Thing is, I think he chose to have a relationship with me because of my emotional strength, he gets Mummy no:2 to look after him and support him and care for him, but only if it all falls into his wishes and desires, wants and needs.

I find myself losing any respect I had for him, I do have a love for him, but I’m no longer ‘in love’ with him…. I drive past little houses and fantasise about being in one on my own, just me and my little dog, happy together.

Thank you, i am emotionally strong, I don’t give myself enough credit. He often tells me I am too intense, full on, racing around, finding jobs to do, a perfectionist, a pain, a nightmare, a nag, a this and a that. But, I married a very lazy man, who other than going to work, pretty much does sod all.

[Eyesopening]

Hi fluer – hope your doing ok, i feel the same, these forums and amazing people here have been such a great help! I think it was essential for me to move on.. to have some people who actually understood the situation, and to not feel alone..
I can so relate, I love learning, being productive etc, the man i live with is lazy(i pay all the bills-do all house work etc)- respect went first then then the love,
Isopeace – great post, i agree and what you say reminds me of the book I just finished Healing from Hidden Abuse by Shannon Thomas – its amazing (you can get it on audible so no one has to see it) but she says, abusers are attracted to something in you that you do not have, it could be beauty, strength, intellect, anything, but they are like leaches, slowly try to suck your qualities out of you. She goes through the steps of healing and to be honest, I’ve stayed so long since i started recognizing the abuse and been researching so long that i feel like i am quite far down the healing steps, even whilst being with an abuser you can start ‘detached contact’
Next i just need to get out and carry on with the healing. Plan to go to my parents and never return in a couple of weeks.

I have recently come to the same conclusion, he may be doing it on purpose or not. But either way, it doesn’t really matter, I cannot live like this with him.
Is it just me or is it scary to think about how these people always use the same tactics, thats in somehow ingrown inside them, maybe this is how our ancestors were all like?

[Author]

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