I think I’m going mad

[Mayprice]

We have been married a long time. I initially went to counselling to fix myself as I was told I was a bad wife and treated him disgustingly, I felt awful at having to wear what I was told and be intimate in ways I didn’t want to and be told if I relaxed it wouldn’t hurt me. I have ptsd from childhood so i can’t help physically reactions. So I thought what is wrong with me I’m a bad person selfsih. Then the counsellor told me things wernt right amd refered me to local DA. So now I think I’m going mad. Stuff stopped about (detail removed by Moderator) months ago but I’m so depressed (detail removed by Moderator). I have flashback to things he has said and done. He says I’m emotionally blackmailing him and my depression isn’t fair on him. He says I can chose to be happy and forget stuff that happened as it was fault in the first place for giving him mixed signals and making him do what he did due to my behaviour. The only problem he has is my depression so I just need to get over it. When I make am effort he is nice. He likes me to tell him all the time how love dhe is and how much I worship him but if I don’t he changes and gets frustrated amd things can escalate really fast them I have a crisis amd get shouted and swron at and he throws things.
I think I’m mad. I ha e tried to leave (detail removed by Moderator) times but I have been reading about this trauma bondig amd its like I get so very emotional amd physic overwhelmed (detail removed by Moderator)

[Jedi warrior]

Hi its hard to recognise and come to terms with abuse especially if you have been in a long relationship. I too went for counselling on my own and my councillor then put me on too a DA organisation I know have a support worker to help through leaving my marriage ..reach out to your gp and any support you can access it will help you being in such a horrible situation will take its toll on you as I have found ..you have been treated very badly ..its not your fault .take care of you .

[Eggshells]

Hi Mayprice,

Welcome to the forum. I am so sorry to hear about the circumstances that have brought you here. Whilst you may feel like you are going mad I hope that you are able to see that you are infact very grounded.

The process of accepting that you are in an abusive relationship can be difficult and flash backs are common. It is your traumatised brain reprocessing the abuse that you have normalised and beginning to understand those incidents as abusive. If you already have PTSD then you may recognise the symptoms that you are having now. A loving partner would be concerned for your mental have and would want to support you through your depression.

You’ll need alot of support now. Do you have friends or relatives that you can talk to and bond with Jedi? As Jedi Warrior has said, please do visit your GP and ask for help. You should have a local DV charity who may also be able to support you.

Please also keep posting. The ladies on the forum may well end up being your most consistent and reliable support. They know exactly what you are going through.

Sending love. xx

[Eggshells]

Ps sorry about the typos, I’ve missed the efit window.

[Mayprice]

Thank you. Its hard as I’m still living here and I nnever know how each day is going to go.
It does help speaking to people in the same situation as I feel most of the time I am lying to people or making it up.
I feel this black hole of sadness amd despair amd grief that is pulling me in and its hard to breathe. When there are nice bits you think oh everything is OK and it’s just in my head. But then things happen like I was woke up last night by him being aggressive with I don’t know what but he was swearing out loud with horrible words at (detail removed by Moderator) which is what woke me up. I find it scary that someone gets so angry so fast and sometimes at the smallest things. Like with our son he is (detail removed by Moderator) amd if he is being a monkey he can get really frustrated with him amd says he has to vent. But that to me is juts an excuse for not being able to control yourself as an adult as its all the time not just once or twice as we are all human.

[Catjam]

Hi, you aren’t going mad. Once I learnt that how we lived wasn’t healthy or normal I started reliving stuff. He also told me that it was my depression that made me hard to live with. It also overwhelms our brains to know that these men could treat us so badly while claiming to love us.
I do believe that it becomes so normal for you both to live like this that once you start to question everything then your brain can’t cope.
Reach out for help and support. There are some excellent books out there, I think there is a list on here. Lundy Bancroft has a blog and several books and I found his insights really helpful.
It feels like a mountain to climb but with help and support you can get there.
Take care xx

[Author]

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