I think I’m still in an abusive relationship

[Hop1]

I left my abusive husband. And although I started to realise it was an abusive relationship before I left (which is why I left), I only recently really came to the realisation that it really was an abusive relationship. I thought it was all in my head for a long time. But with therapy I can see that it wasn’t OK. My husband and I have a young son, and so he will continue to be in my life for the foreseeable. Recently he picked my son up for me from (detailed/specific incident removed by moderator). He said he couldn’t have him stay at his house but he would come to mine and look after him until bedtime. My son went to bed and my husband (detailed/specific incident removed by moderator). During the course of the evening he started to question why we weren’t together anymore, and i have been very careful not to call him an abuser for the sake of my son. I’m trying to maintain a very civil relationship. But I ended up telling him that I had actually left because of the abuse. We had a very long and heated discussion. He got aggressive. And in the end acknowledged everything that he’s done. He started listing examples of when he’d been violent. And said that he takes ownership of his mistakes, but I think i was perfect. He basically justified everything with my behaviour that had pushed him too far.

I feel really confused about this. I feel like I finally see it clearly. But then I also feel really helpless. Because although i have left, i still have to see him. And he still makes demands on my time. He contacts me every day saying it’s to talk about our son, but then tells me all about his day and general chit chat. I feel like I can’t get out of these interactions as i don’t want to upset him.

I don’t know if anyone else still feels trapped. I thought leaving was going to be the hardest thing. Which it was… But then I don’t know that I’ve really left!

[tryingtosleep]

Dear Hop1

I’m sorry to hear about your situation. It sounds familiar – although my ex also drinks – so contact with the children is very inconsistent. When you have kids with them – it is very hard to escape. I also feel very trapped – especially as he is making it so very hard for me to divorce him.

In order to make it manageable – I have set times and set days that my kids call him – (x times a week at a X o’clock). Outside the agreed times, you don’t need to respond or pick up.

He lets me know when he is able to come and visit and they see him outside the house – in a café. I leave them with him for a short time after I have made sure that he is sober.

If you don’t want him in your house – then it is perfectly fair for you to say so. You need to keep your boundaries clear and hold onto them tightly as he will do anything to cross them. If he has been violent as you say – you can get an occupation order to ensure that he doesn’t come to your house again.

One thing that you said was really reminiscent of what mine used to say to me. You said he claims that he takes ownership for his mistakes but that you don’t. My ex frequently used to tell me that it was always him who apologises not me. It’s like they are trying to make it out that you are responsible for their behaviour.

I asked my ex to leave because it was chaos. And because he wasn’t safe. But one thing my therapist said to me was, it’s best if I accept that he will never understand that. They can only think of themselves. I find this very hard to understand.

Good luck – it’s always little steps – but hopefully in the right direction!

[Hop1]

Thank you so much for your reply to this, i really appreciate it.

I’m so sorry to hear you’re in a similar situation.

I think it’s great that you have managed to set these boundaries. I know I definitely need to do this, too. I was thinking of writing him a letter. Talking to him doesn’t get me anywhere. It’s so hard to find the energy.

 

[Bananaboat]

You can’t coparent with an abuser because as you’re finding out it’s all about controlling you, not about your child. I used to be the same and think it was rude to end the chats about himself, but hang on a sec – he’s not caring about your time or if you’re interested in what he’s saying. It’s all about him.

I started by weaning myself off – so don’t answer his call, leave it 30mins before reading his text building that up overtime – this helps you break that obligation to respond plus you’re still addicted to the chemical reactions that arise and need to break that. It’s uncomfortable to begin with but helps you and gives him a message that I’m not at your beck & call. He might react to that which may also help you see clearer. Then ask already said, you got to set boundaries of your time / his time. Your home should be your safe place and him coming round is preventing that and he’ll be testing you too. He’s a grown man he can arrange a safe location to see the child, even if it’s an hour at soft play, you’re not obligated to have him in your home. Good luck, it’s tough to break old habits but you can do it x

[Author]

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