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Hi,
I’m new here. My partner is a compulsive liar who belittles me, blames me and uses my own children against me. He buys me lots of nice things and I’ve tried to leave numerous occasions to which he says I’ve been using him and plying the what will people think of you card. He says I’m over sensitive, he doesn’t like me leaving the house without him, follows me around like a lap dog, lies about everything, like the smallest of things I don’t even care about. He uses what I tell him and twists it to use against me. He asks who I speak to and what about all the time. I’ve tried to leave 4 times and always go back as I believe he will change and because he just generally wears me down, he calls texts me and family and cries, I feel like a burden to them. He threatens he will tell Social services I’m a bad mum. I am not. But I’d hate for them to be involved at all as I don’t want the stigma! I feel so trapped and know what I need to do. But then he threatens me with all sorts and has always said that he’d make sure he was out the country when anything would happen to me. He says my own family think I have issues. Then he makes grand gestures to compensate this. He makes plans just me and him so I can’t reach out and do things with friends.
This is isn’t me over exaggerating is it?I have had enough. I’ve been to see a house for me and the kids and I’m going. I darent take anything out the house. How am I supposed to set up again.
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Hi and welcome. Leaving an abuser, especially one as controlling as yours is a very dangerous time. You’re absolutely doing the right thing by leaving but I would urge you to contact your local women’s aid and have a safe exit plan. One that includes the police being aware of his behaviour. Try to gather evidence of his abuse. Keep a secret journal. Can you hire a van and man when he’s at work and take the furniture and beds etc. I’ve got some good things from charity shops too and upscaled them. Pine furniture can be painted eventually and is cheap. No you’re not exaggerating. When a relationship is over both parties usually sit down, accept the inevitable, plan so the kids are disrupted as little as possible. However an abuser will use anyone and anything to regain control. There are no rules for them so protect yourself. Google the cycle of abuse. Gaslighting. My ex would say I was too sensitive or I couldn’t take a joke. It’s how they try to justify dreadful behaviour by blaming us. They’re toxic people and he’s not your responsibility. Never mind what anyone else would think, they aren’t being abused. If they think he’s so great, let him live with them. Lastly remember abusers are liars and manipulators so once you leave try to go total zero contact. Use a third party for anything you need to discuss x
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Thank you…. it’s just a living nightmare!
He says I’m the n********t here and I’m the one who plays mind games.
He’s currently in prison, I darent take anything as he will say I took his things. And don’t want to give him the satisfaction.
Don’t get me wrong, he’s got money and has flushed me and my kids with gifts holidays and house etc… but this isn’t worth it.
He says if I were to leave him while in prison it’s the lowest of the low!
Am I right to leave now? I think it’s the perfect opportunity?
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It’s the perfect opportunity. Get you all out and safe. He is not your responsibility. He’s using fear, Obligation and Guilt to keep you with him. Ignore what he says. They are liars and blaming us die what they do is typical, He gave up any right to be in your life when he abused you. My advice is run, run fast and dont look back, get some safety measures in place for when he does get out, get women’s aid to help you. The council have a duty to rehome victims of domestic abuse. Google the cycle of abuse. My ex would shower me with gifts after a nasty outburst x
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That cycle of abuse is so true. Thing is I’ve he has never actually hit me, he has only ever locked me in the house when I’ve tried to leave after an argument. Then restrained me and made sure I’ve not left. The feeling of that is worse, I know I’m no match for his strength, so I’m frustration and on between him taunting me I’ve lashed out in any way, I’ve even thrown cups and plates at him as I felt so weak. I know I’ve not been a dream and he’s said that I have problems… my problem is him! Thanks so much KIP I appreciate your kind words xx
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It’s horrendous behaviour. My ex knew hitting would leave evidence with marks so used other means of abuse. Yes locked me in and often trapped me. Stopped me leaving the house. I still have real problems with getting an eye test when they want to shut the door. The mental stuff for me was much worse and still lasts x we lash out when trapped. None of this is your fault. Abusers love blaming us. Don’t carry his guilt for him x
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He will say whatever he needs to say to guilt trip you into staying. None of it is true.
Definitely take the opportunity and get out whilst you can. Get a solicitor and take their advice. Make sure that they understand that this is a domestics abuse situation. They will advise you on how you can take enough stuff with you to get yourself started.
Check sites like freecycle and ask family and friends to check their attics and garages for stuff they don’t want. Don’t be afraid of second hand, you can clean and upcycle furniture and replace it gradually once you’re back on your feet.
Please, please, please don’t wait for him to come out of prison. He put himself there, it is not your obligation to wait for him to come out and abuse you again.
As KIP says, please contact Women’s aid. They’ll be able to give you advice on how to keep yourself safe when he comes out.
Xx
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So had the call I was dreading. He is getting out; end of this week beginning of next. I don’t know what to do my head is all over and I feel sick to the stomach.
I still haven’t got a date for the keys on new place and feel it’s all going to fall apart and I’m going to be trapped again. I do not want to be here when he’s out.
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