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I left my partner over ten years ago and moved into a refuge. When I left I married and had more children. My husband and I separated (removed by moderator) and my ex has got back in touch. I thought I was stronger and totally over him and have now found myself back with him (unbeknown to anyone and I have kept my location secret so he still has no idea where I live). However. His sister has married a police officer and he has told me that if he wanted to find out where I was, he easily could. He said it to reassure me that if I ended it, I would be safe as he hasn’t come to my door and could if he wanted. I now have the added knowledge however that after we split up he was sectioned and had been diagnosed with Bipolar. This is something I know a lot about as a close family member and good friend gave it. I’m petrified that if my ex husband finds out he will think I’ve put his children in danger. Also I know my violet ex’ triggers were when I tried to leave do what the hell do I do now! I have considered simply blocking him but now I know he can find me I’m scared to even do that. I know I’ve been stupid. And I know it makes me sound weak but I really thought I could get closure by seeing him and walk away as it was over ten years. How wrong I was. I have called the outreach from where the refuge I was in but can never get through.
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Dear Backtoblack
You sound far from weak. You may have made a mistake by getting back in touch with your abusive ex, but these things often happen and you were hoping that after over 10 years things would be different.
The most important thing now is your safety. You are also concerned that your ex-husband may find out , but there is no reason why this would happen. Even if it does, it sounds like you are not going to have an on-going relationship with your ex, so you can assure him of that.
Do please call the 24 hour Domestic Violence Helpline to talk through your situation. There may also be a different and closer outreach service for you to be in contact with, and they will be able to advise you about this.
If you are concerned that he will get threatening when you say you want no more contact, as you say this would be a trigger for this, you may want to consider involving the police or getting a non-molestation order.
Do consider all the options and keep us posted.
Best Wishes
Lisa -
I’m worried that if I go to the police hey will involve social services. They were never involved before but I have read about circumstances where they were involved because the mums were making bad choices by taking them back. My children are my world and I can’t have a question mark over my head about them. I work in a school too. The repercussions of this are huge. I’m thing my husband could find out because if I’m honest I’ve been imagining telling people. I’ve created this fantasy in my head where I am better equipped now because we know he has bipolar. Like I could somehow help him. I know how this sounds. And if someone else were to say it to me, I’d say it was nuts. But I’ve managed to convince myself he has changed. And what if he has. He is convinced we are meant to be and this was all in gods plan. That one day, when he was well we would find ourselves together again. I worry the damage this will do to him if I walk again. I can’t help but be honest and say I don’t want to walk. He has this hold and I don’t know how far I’m going to get involved here before it’s too late to turn back. I have really messed up.
Thank you for your reply. I know how this all sounds. But I literally can’t talk to anyone. My friends and family watched the struggles I went through while I was with him and then leaving everything I knew and loved behind. They would think I’d gone completely insane!
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Hello, back to black, and welcome to the forum from me,
What I want to pick up on from your post is what your ex abuser said about him being able to find out where you are living, and the way he so say can- I really don’t think this is true, which leads me to think that he is trying to confuse you and find out that information from you- not a very good start for showing he has changed at all is it, lying and manipulating.
You are worried about what it will do to him if you walk away at this point, but I’m much more worried about what it will do to you if you don’t.
You broke free from the hold before, you can do it again.
Sometimes we do take backward steps, make mistakes or as you said mess up, sometime we get pulled back and end up in the same situation again and often it is much worse because the control and fear factor is amped up by them,
You must be having doubts about him and whether he has changed back to black to be searching here for opinions/ advice.
I would say trust you instinct ,stick to the known facts not the dream of what might be, remember the bad times and why you had to go to the extremes you did to get away, think about what you stand to lose,
You worry about the effect on your children and job should he re-enter your lives and revert to his old self, the most precious things are your children and your job gives you your security,
Seeing as you have such doubts why not pull back now, take some time and space and see if he accepts this and respects this.
Usually if they don’t get their way one way they try another so he may show his former side so please stay safe and distant
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Thank you so much for your reply. It actually made me cry. Simply because I know every bring you’re saying is true. I know it’s what I need to do. What is wrong with me!! I am going to see him tomorrow after work to try and work it out. What if he really has changed though. He says he hasn’t hit his last girlfriend. I know a lot about his mental illness and if I can just avoid triggers or pushing his buttons could it not work? My god did I really write that! I know how this sounds. But my mum has bipolar and I know you really can change. With the right meds and support. He was diagnosed last year after years of being in and out of hospital and suicide attempts. He has been honest and told me he still self harms (what he calls ‘cat scratches’) whereas before they were life threatening and caused him to be hospitalised. I am sounding so stupid! This is ridiculous. I was so over all of this! I wonder if it’s some sort of reaction to my marriage breakdown? At our marriage counselling my (violent) ex was the only thing that made me cry. There is obviously a massive issue still in my mind I just couldn’t see it. I refused counselling when I left the refuge. And they seemed happy I’d don’t need it. What on earth has happened!
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Hey Hun
Don’t meet up with this ex of yours , his going to mentally mess with your head , I can see his affecting u already , u can sense the wrongness in it, it is already effecting u , I m here to support u Hun , I dint know what it is about these men that no matter how much they hurt us we r pulled to them like a magnet, in times like this we need friends and survivors to support us to tell us we shouldn’t meet up with these men , it doesn’t matter if his changed or not what matters is he hurt u once and u have to stay away from this man cause of that , there’s nothing to forgive and forget , these men can’t be forgiven , I don’t think he knows where u lives but again is trying to work out , stay safe and keep away , whatever u decide will be here to support u , please remember why u walk away and if u feel u need counselling now ask for counselling referral , we all deal with our emotions in our own time
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You’re abosutely right. I saw him earlier and I am definitely going to walk. I saw flickers in him tonight and things he said, I just know it hasn’t gone. It’s just how to do it. I’m going to try the outreach again. I called my old refuge but they said because I’ve moved to another borough I’d have to call the national line. Will try again tomorrow. Chasing my tail a bit but I’m sure someone will be able to help. Just need to work out how to tell him. The truth. I’m scared of him and don’t believe he’s changed? Just block and be glad I didn’t cave and tell him my new address. Or say someone has found out and brought me back to my senses?? All of this would work but I worry he will give my address from his brother in law. I’ve opened and stirred things up in him I really shouldn’t have. I’m such an idiot! However. I’m seeing very clearly after tonight and know what ice got to do at least. It’s just how to do it xx
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Yes please cut ties I’ve just left my second abusive relationship, they don’t change I was with my ex Partner for (removed by moderator) then we starting dating 3 yrs after being separated he promised me he had changed and I believed him he even cried and told me how he remembered treating me so bad! But believe me that latest 2 months then he was worse if anything nothing had changed!. I then finished it with him was single for a year and fell head over heals for a man who promised me the world and would have gave it to me but 18 months down the line and I’ve left him I can’t brlieve I let it happen again! Stay strong you need any man x
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That’s the crazy thing. I’m not the sort of person who ‘needs’ someone. I’m independent and quite like being on my own. I’m receiving messages saying he is so lucky I have him another chance and that he feels so happy. I just don’t know how to do it. Couldn’t get thru again at lunch and can’t call in the evening. I’ll try again tomorrow. But everyday that passes he is more and more convinced we are going to live happily ever after so technically I’m toying with him. Now I’m in the wrong. This whole thing makes a mockery of the refuge and what we all went through back then. Thank you so much for your replies. It really has made the world of a difference. I hope you’re all well and safe yourselves xx
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