I think this is also emotional abuse but not sure?

[SingleMomSurvivor]

My ex was physically & emotionally abusive. We’re no longer together but the more time that passes the more I’m noticing that one of my parents does some of the same things my ex used to do. I’m not specifying which parent because I think the moderators may consider it identifying information.

I find myself wondering if my parent’s behavior represents abuse. As a kid my parent would always treat me differently than my siblings. They were never a very affectionate parent with any of us kids, but with me they were particularly cold & dismissive. As a kid whenever I told them that they were treating me differently and explained how it made me feel, they accused me of overreacting, being too sensitive & imagining the whole thing. This happened repeatedly throughout my childhood. They even called me crazy when I was a kid. Looking back on this it seems like this was gaslighting? What do you all think?

My parent still does some of these same things to me even though I’m an adult now. They’ve recently said some hurtful things to me and when I tried to talk to them about it they accused me of not remembering the conversation correctly even though I am absolutely positive that I remember what was said. They will also inaccurately represent conversations we’ve had and accuse me of behaving in a way that I never actually behaved. For example, they accused me of shouting, stomping and storming off during a past conversation when that actually didn’t happen. My ex used to do the same thing to me. My parent also accused me of being overly sensitive & said I was probably that way because my ex abused me. I thought that was such a disgusting thing for a parent to say to their child! When I pointed this out to them they suggested I misunderstood what they meant. Also when I confront them about hurtful things they’ve said or done they somehow flip the situation around and make themselves the victim. I see lots of parallels between them & my ex and and its shocking that I never really saw it before. It’s probably why I (subconsciously) was attracted to my ex I’m guessing.

I’m wondering, is my parent’s behavior abuse? It’s so hard to wrap my mind around that. They were one of the main people who was super helpful and supportive of me and my kids when I was leaving my ex. And then also often times my parent is really great & supportive so it’s hard to wrap my mind around this also being abuse. Just, mind boggling. I’m starting to see them differently. Why would they be so helpful and supportive when I was going through everything with my ex and also say and do these hurtful things now?

[SingleMomSurvivor]

Hi ladies. It’s me again. Just seeing if anyone has any thoughts on this. I’m really struggling. I tried to talk to one of my siblings about what’s going on but they said they didn’t want to pick a side. It was so infuriating because I feel like none of my siblings will stand up for me. It reminds me of my childhood when I would constantly be told I was overreacting after being mistreated…which also reminds me of my ex.

[Bananaboat]

Hello, it doesn’t sound like the best experience. When my relationship with my eldest child’s father ended I was really shocked at how my parents just kind of vanished on me, they’d talk about support but no actions. I had to move in with them for a fortnight between houses and every day I was told I’d have to leave at the end of the second week no matter what, even though another sibling had been in/out of theirs for years. It was really confusing.

Working it through with a counsellor at the time she really wanted to bring them in for a session but I refused and she pointed me towards a book about n**********c parents. On the scale of things my parents were quite low however I recognised how I’d grown up with constant criticism and control, even daft things like every time I wanted to go on a day out or holiday I’d get ‘why on earth would you want to go there’ which would then spoil it. On top of this I had a grandparent who refused to even acknowledge my existence! Imagine visiting with your siblings and being ignored at such a young age. None of this stopped me getting into similar relationships sadly.

But to cut this story off (sorry to ramble), I realised even if that is my experience there would be no benefit in asking them or my siblings to vouch for it or to explain why they did it – it’s a natural response to want this but the counsellor helped me to realise I am strong, I have achieved so much and on my own, and that a lot of it was ‘their issue’ being projected onto me. I still see my parents lots but changed my expectations of them and that’s helped. Sadly I didn’t listen to the counsellor about relationships lol otherwise I wouldn’t be stuck where I am today, but I hope this mini essay helps in some way. x

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