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    • #113245
      Tabletop
      Participant

      So it’s been a while since I posted on here. I thought I had put on my big girl pants and was starting to get myself back. It’s all just hit me like a tonne of bricks. I just want my ex, I know I can’t and I left for a reason but I miss the smell and the arms around me. My life is so good right now, I really don’t understand why I’m feeling like this. It was the forum that got me through it when I left. Maybe you can all help me again. I just want to move on x

    • #113265
      Wiseafter
      Participant

      Hey Tabletop. It can be like a bereavement because you have lost something. Part of yourself, the love and devotion you gave him. The familiarity of the relationship. You probably loved him and that is hard to get over in a normal relationship, let alone an abusive one with all the confusion and pain. Some time ago I posted Really heartbroken today. I explained how I felt. It is hard to explain because once you are out of an abusive relationship you are meant to brush your shoulders off and say. Good riddance. But it is not that simple because the love is real. You have to allow yourself to grieve for that and every woman’s experience is different. There are no rules. Add to that the addictive cycle of good times/bad times. The emotional highs and lows that our brains experienced through swings in our hormones that we became used to and which are highly addictive. The trauma bonding which is very powerful. The isolation that made us rely on them for crumbs of affection and solace. The confusion we felt. We miss the fantasy as well. The fantasy we told ourselves, and he made us believe in, is what made us stay. So, to get through this I wrote a note to myself which says in bold letters ‘read this when you miss him’. It lists ALL the things he said that made me feel bad. ALL the things he did which hurt me. It helps because it brings my focus back to why I got out of the situation. I know he still has a hold on me so staying no contact is the only way. Yes, it doesn’t make me feel great about myself to realise how dependent I have been on a man who did not treat me well, abused my trust. But it is what it is. Accept it, go through it and don’t ever go back. That’s the main thing.

    • #113277
      Beautifulday
      Participant

      hi @Tabletop
      What you are feeling is completely normal and understandable, please be kind to yourself and allow yourself to feel these emotions however horrible it is. I cant give much advice about after leaving as I’m still stuck in a toxic abusive relationship:( but I really hope one day I can be in your position to say I’m out. I just need to find the strength , sending you a hug x*x

    • #113294
      HopeLifeJoy
      Participant

      Hi Tabletop
      It is completely fine to have days where you miss him, I do too, very much so lately as he just had his (detail removed by moderator).
      What I can say how I deal with it is I allow myself to feel loving towards him but I DO NOT contact him. That’s the key to keeping safe when you feel you miss him. I miss my entire life with him and still can’t comprehend – on my bad days – what has gone wrong.
      Breathe through it. Indulge into nice walks into the sun, in the nature and write down your feelings for him, share them with a friend perhaps but not with him.
      You will get through this as you did leaving him. The main thing is keep steady and focused on your own life, whenever you think of him, make it your commitment to have a nice thought and act of care for yourself 😌
      Sending you hugs 💕🌸

      Also I want to tell you, you ARE doing okay darling, you absolutely are. You left him.
      You’re safe. You’ve done so much by leaving him and rebuilding your life! Be proud, hold your head high girl and continue walking your way 💪😉😘

    • #113555
      Tabletop
      Participant

      Thanks guys for all your support. I guess when you love someone you just love them no matter what. I am trying so hard to think of all the bad times but we did have some good times and they keep creeping in too. I know I can’t go back and I know I can’t have contact but it’s so hard, so heartbreaking and confusing. I’m sure as time goes on it will get easier and I will stop grieving for someone who caused me so much pain. Thankyou again for all your support. When I feel so alone I know I can come here and feel like I’m with friends x

    • #113755
      Losingbattle
      Participant

      I’m in the same situation. I miss him so much and I miss him being here. But hes an abuser and I try desperately daily to not go back. All the bad things seem to be in the back of my head in a huge cloud. I’ve sat and thought about ways to make it work but the truth is, it never does and he will never change. So everything you’re going through is normal. Its actually a huge comfort to me that other people are going through the exact same

      • #114557
        Tabletop
        Participant

        It’s such a struggle isn’t it. I had a real boost to begin with, thinking I had this. I’m happy and relaxed, no longer on edge at last. I’ve met someone else who is lovely, totally opposite to what I’m used to but I miss my ex so much. I’m looking at photos and videos of the good times, reminded of the bad times that happened before during and after them but I still miss the love I felt after the bad times. The smell and warmth of those hugs when they scoop you back up after knocking you down. I never imagined it would be this hard or that I loved them so much. I have everything I yearned for during the worst times but I feel like I have nothing without them. I know I will get through this but I wish I could shake off the gut wrenching feeling of loss. We all have to stay strong and know we are here for each other when the times are tough. Always look forward and never back 💪xx

    • #114718
      Tracker
      Participant

      What you all describe is exactly how I feel too so we are definitely not alone.
      I had been with him since I were a child basically, only person I’ve ever had a proper relationship and I feel as much as I would like to be close to someone else that it will never happen as I have a lot of feelings of low self esteem and low confidence in myself.
      It is like others have said a bereavement and hopefully time will heal the pain.
      Main thing is we keep strong and remember not to go back cos from experience it’s always nice to go back at first but it wont be long til it turns bad again x

    • #114996
      Helphelphelp
      Participant

      I think we all feel the same, I too have left, he has been vile in so many ways, he has gone out of his way to try and get me back and I’ve fallen for it, I’ve felt happy to love and cuddle him again, only for him to do the same again. Falling back I feel is worse than staying away, because not only do you go through it all again but you have let them know it’s easy to pick u up n drop you as n when they want. I could feel him laughing at me and I felt so very stupid. All we miss is the nice bit. Our brain seems to push out all the nasty stuff and focus on the love we had. Love and look after yourself. At least you know it’s real love you can give yourself. Not fake that only hurts you.
      Hope you get through this difficult part
      Love to you xx

    • #115073
      BurntOut
      Participant

      Every one of you has nailed how it is for me currently. Today has been horrendous, ive not missed him this much before and it feels exactly like grief. Waves of it. All i want is him, but the nice him. Trauma bonding is devastating. I have never felt as hopeless as i do now. I want to hurt him, i know he would lose his job if i reported him. But at the same time, i love him and dont want to hurt him and reporting his abuse feels petty on my part even though hes committed the crimes that have brought me to this.

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