This topic contains 5 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by  Losingbattle 2 weeks ago.

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  • #113245
     Tabletop 
    Participant

    So it’s been a while since I posted on here. I thought I had put on my big girl pants and was starting to get myself back. It’s all just hit me like a tonne of bricks. I just want my ex, I know I can’t and I left for a reason but I miss the smell and the arms around me. My life is so good right now, I really don’t understand why I’m feeling like this. It was the forum that got me through it when I left. Maybe you can all help me again. I just want to move on x

  • #113265
     Wiseafter 
    Participant

    Hey Tabletop. It can be like a bereavement because you have lost something. Part of yourself, the love and devotion you gave him. The familiarity of the relationship. You probably loved him and that is hard to get over in a normal relationship, let alone an abusive one with all the confusion and pain. Some time ago I posted Really heartbroken today. I explained how I felt. It is hard to explain because once you are out of an abusive relationship you are meant to brush your shoulders off and say. Good riddance. But it is not that simple because the love is real. You have to allow yourself to grieve for that and every woman’s experience is different. There are no rules. Add to that the addictive cycle of good times/bad times. The emotional highs and lows that our brains experienced through swings in our hormones that we became used to and which are highly addictive. The trauma bonding which is very powerful. The isolation that made us rely on them for crumbs of affection and solace. The confusion we felt. We miss the fantasy as well. The fantasy we told ourselves, and he made us believe in, is what made us stay. So, to get through this I wrote a note to myself which says in bold letters ‘read this when you miss him’. It lists ALL the things he said that made me feel bad. ALL the things he did which hurt me. It helps because it brings my focus back to why I got out of the situation. I know he still has a hold on me so staying no contact is the only way. Yes, it doesn’t make me feel great about myself to realise how dependent I have been on a man who did not treat me well, abused my trust. But it is what it is. Accept it, go through it and don’t ever go back. That’s the main thing.

  • #113277
     Beautifulday 
    Participant

    hi @tabletop
    What you are feeling is completely normal and understandable, please be kind to yourself and allow yourself to feel these emotions however horrible it is. I cant give much advice about after leaving as I’m still stuck in a toxic abusive relationship:( but I really hope one day I can be in your position to say I’m out. I just need to find the strength , sending you a hug x*x

  • #113294
     HopeLifeJoy 
    Participant

    Hi Tabletop
    It is completely fine to have days where you miss him, I do too, very much so lately as he just had his (detail removed by moderator).
    What I can say how I deal with it is I allow myself to feel loving towards him but I DO NOT contact him. That’s the key to keeping safe when you feel you miss him. I miss my entire life with him and still can’t comprehend – on my bad days – what has gone wrong.
    Breathe through it. Indulge into nice walks into the sun, in the nature and write down your feelings for him, share them with a friend perhaps but not with him.
    You will get through this as you did leaving him. The main thing is keep steady and focused on your own life, whenever you think of him, make it your commitment to have a nice thought and act of care for yourself 😌
    Sending you hugs 💕🌸

    Also I want to tell you, you ARE doing okay darling, you absolutely are. You left him.
    You’re safe. You’ve done so much by leaving him and rebuilding your life! Be proud, hold your head high girl and continue walking your way 💪😉😘

  • #113555
     Tabletop 
    Participant

    Thanks guys for all your support. I guess when you love someone you just love them no matter what. I am trying so hard to think of all the bad times but we did have some good times and they keep creeping in too. I know I can’t go back and I know I can’t have contact but it’s so hard, so heartbreaking and confusing. I’m sure as time goes on it will get easier and I will stop grieving for someone who caused me so much pain. Thankyou again for all your support. When I feel so alone I know I can come here and feel like I’m with friends x

  • #113755
     Losingbattle 
    Participant

    I’m in the same situation. I miss him so much and I miss him being here. But hes an abuser and I try desperately daily to not go back. All the bad things seem to be in the back of my head in a huge cloud. I’ve sat and thought about ways to make it work but the truth is, it never does and he will never change. So everything you’re going through is normal. Its actually a huge comfort to me that other people are going through the exact same

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