I thought it would be better by now….

[itmustbemesurely]

I honestly thought that after this many months things would have improved, sadly they are if anything far worse. Daily threats of suicide unless I give him a chance, it I don’t agree he will kill himself it’s that simple. Vile language and name calling, threats of turning up at home or at work, constant texts, phone calls. Threats to withhold money for maintenance, threats to sleep with someone else, threats to hurt himself, to kill himself, leave a suicide note blaming me. I am bombarded daily with a torrent of abuse, but it’s my fault, I’ve made my choice, I hope you can live with yourself, I will make sure everyone knows you’ve left me to rot when I needed you most, you’ve done this to me, only you can make it better, I can’t live without you, who are you seeing, are you f@@king someone else, who is he I will kill him! it goes on. i deserve a slap, I am a heartless c@@t I have no empathy I am a b@tch, i only think of myself, I don’t care about him, I’ve ruined his life no he will ruin mine, see you in court, get a good lawyer, you will get nothing from me you b@tch

He has lost control, when I say to him that he can’t bully me into being with him he says its because he loves me, because he can’t live without me and if only I’d give him another chance then he would stop calling me names and shouting at me, it’s my fault. I’ve ripped the family a part, me I have done that, how can I live with myself….he then goes out with his friends, help them do stuff, goes to the gym. Goes to the football, goes to work and functions. How can I make it stop, when will it stop?

[anotherlife]

Please don’t ever think this is down to you. You have clearly left an abusive relationship for the sake of your family and your safety.
He is showing how controlling he can be, by trying to wear you down, he thinks he will win. There is no love in treating you this way, he knows this. They know how to use emotional blackmail to ruin your days / life and then just carry on as normal in front of others.
I don’t know enough about help and advice you can receive during this time, as I haven’t got to this stage yet, but please call the Women’s Aid helpline and get some help. They will surely be able to assist, though I know it must feel like you need immediate support, it must be so upsetting and I know it will be taking up every waking moment.
Remember you are worth far more than the way he is treating you. Your child(run) have your love and can get through this, it is you that needs the most help, to keep going and support your family. Don’t let him ruin your life, he should not be allowed to act in this way.
I would refuse to answer his texts in the short term and find some way of stopping the children seeing him is they don’t want to – he can’t threaten suicide and then think it’s ok to see the children. Make sure you keep all his messages and keep a note of any calls / issues with dates and times, for your info.
I hope you get some information very soon and things start to improve, even if only a little bit, one day at a time. There is support on here for you x

[Borntobefree]

Hi Hun
He’s making you feel guilty .don’t listen to him
Can you go no contact ..you have to do this so you can heal x

[SunshineRainflower]

This is harassment. You need to go no contact, or grey rock if you have children with him, then arrange chld contact through a third party.

No contact means blocking him on everything, so that he cannot continue to abuse you this way. Keep a log of all of his calls, letters etc and log it with the police who can issue him with a harassment warning. There is no way you will be able to heal if you don’t put up a boundary there and block his routes of contact. It seems harsh at first but these men have no empathy and are not like normal people so everything they do is purely manipulation. As you can see, he is actually doing very well going to gym, socialising etc so his mental health is not all depressed like he is pretending. He just wants to continue to hurt you and have power over you like a typical abuser.

[itmustbemesurely]

But today, I am the nasty one, he wants to come around and cook dinner spend time with us, he misses us and is really struggling, how can I be so horrible to him and not let him come around and be with us, he needs us and loves us all so much. He has lost his family home, we have to move out, he lied to me and I didn’t know the extent of his debts, he has ruined my credit score and lost me my home, he treats me like he does then turns it on to me to make it my fault….is that normal? he takes no responsibility at all

[endoftherainbow]

Please don’t let him come round, once you do I fear you will be on a slippy slope, if you allow them once, there will always be a next time. Its so hard to say no to these people, we have been conditioned to do as we are told, and that’s a hard habit to break. Try and remember, he is the one at fault here, its his choice to act the way he does. There is no excuse on earth that gives anyone the right to hurt/harm or intimidate anyone else. He is taking no responsibility for anything and probably never will. I agree with the others, if possible go no contact and try and do any child arrangements through third party. I was so scared when I went no contact, I knew it would make him so angry, I got an restraining order, and its been amazing. Wishing you luck and strength xxxx

[itmustbemesurely]

what if it is down to me, he says I am making the biggest mistake of my life and that I wouldn’t be able to cope on my own,that it would be a financial disaster, that he wouldn’t give me any money I’d be on my own. We have to sell our home after his financial abuse, he owes thousands and even though I’ve explained my position there isn’t anything I can do. I have that to sort out, my security has gone and I think it’s my fault

[itmustbemesurely]

I am so anxious and scared, I feel like I can’t make a decision it’s such a mess, and I don’t know if I am doing the right thing

[RedFox]

It’s not your fault. What he says to you, my ex says it too, they seem to be all the same. Their tactics are the same.
Don’t believe what he says. Of course you can look after yourself and manage your finances. It will be easier when you are not being abused that’s all. I know it is difficult to ignore them and keep self confidence but you need to try as much as you can. It’s all a game, he tries to take your confidence so you keep being his puppet.

Be strong x

[Sunshine]

Hello,
I just want to say this sounds exactly what I went through (detail removed by moderator). It is the hardest thing to do (leave someone) when they constantly say these things. I struggled and really struggled and once he got the clear message I couldn’t take him back things got a lot worse. Everything is now done through a lawyers. He has a non harrasment order to not contact me.

The things you are describing were exactly what I was going through. I used
To cry all the time as I didn’t truly want it to be over but I knew I had too. Try and stay strong when I felt weak I kept saying to myself no one who loves you would honestly treat you this way. It’s worked but it still hurts. X*x

[itmustbemesurely]

Thanks for your words of support, I am worried about how his behaviour as impacted the children, my eldest suffers from anxiety and is missing school. we chatted this morning and he said that I’d made the right choice as home was much calmer, I am worried though that the impact of seeing his Dad behave in the way he did for years will have a long term impact on him. We have a good open relationship and he talks to me about everything, it just breaks my heart that they, he has a younger sister, have been affected by their aggressive and angry father…does any body have any advise they can give about this? I am worried so much about my boy xx

[Author]

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