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    • #85697
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      We were out as a family; me, my children, my parents and sister. My parents spent most of the time walking ahead of the rest of us and the only real time we were all together and talking was when we sat down for food. At the beach everything seemed fine too; I was sat looking through rocks with my son and my parents were splashing in the water with my daughter. Overall, myself and my mam had had very little interaction as she had spent most of the time with my dad or daughter. As we were leaving someone said “we’ve had a good day” (I wasn’t talking at this point, so not part of the conversation at all). My m**s response was “(detail removed by moderator)”. It stopped me in her tracks. I told her to get off her high horse and that I’m important to my children so I’d appreciate it if she didn’t say these things and try to brainwash them against me.

      This brings me to my worry around going to university; my daughter will be attending nursery (detail removed by moderator) but only half days – she would be in my m**s care the rest of the day – do I put off university for a year so I can be there for my daughter and protect her from such comments? My daughters dad has residency of our daughter so he ultimately decides who care for her etc, when she was in my care I actually stopped my mam having her once a week for a while after I heard her saying “(detail removed by moderator)” to my then (detail removed by moderator) month old.

      Then there’s my son. If I go to university this September, he’ll only be (detail removed by moderator) month old. Should I put it off a year to be with him daily until he’s (detail removed by moderator)? My m**s toxic, and I’m afraid I can’t protect them from it

    • #85720
      Flowerchild
      Participant

      University will open up whole new areas for you and allow you to build a great life for you and your children!

      Is it possible your mum feels threatened by this prospect? Would she feel more comfortable if your life were smaller and duller and there was no chance you could outgrow your family?

      She sounds as if she’s systematically undermining your confidence as an intelligent woman and as a mother, whatever her motivation is.

      I totally understand your doubts about having her care for your children; I would feel exactly the same!

      As your daughter is resident with her father, surely he could take the lead in finding – and funding – more appropriate care for her? As for the younger one, have you investigated childcare availability at the university itself? Many sites have crêche facilities for staff and students with very young children. Your financial situation would be taken into account, I think.

      If you put it off for a year you may well be so talked down that you lose your confidence altogether! This kind of negativity is like a dripping tap and it can do a lot of damage.

      Imagine years down the track being ridiculed for even thinking you could get a degree and better yourself and your children. Don’t let it happen, darling!

      You know students get a slack time, really, as the universities know they’ll be socialising like mad? You will easily cope with the workload, even around children, I promise!

      Perhaps if you even start talking about and investigating alternative childcare arrangements it will bump your mam into looking hard at her attitude? You could tell her you aren’t happy for your children to keep hearing her relentless negativity and she needs to be 100% positive and supportive of you if she is to be trusted to help raise her grandchildren?

      If you are to be successful, you must be able to trust those who care for your little ones. I’ve been there and it makes all the difference! I never relied on family…

      Flower x

      • #85739
        Anonymous
        Inactive

        Thank you for your response. I don’t think I’d be able to talk it over with my daughters dad as he enjoys power and control too; he’d see this as another vulnerability to use against me. I was talking this over with my sister and we both remember our mam bad-mouthing our paternal grandmother as we grew up – this didn’t make us think less of our grandma but actually think less of our mam. I’m hoping my mam can’t poison my daughter and that my daughter will grow up to see me for me, and all that I’ve tried to do for her to keep her happy and safe as her as I can – though I do feel so powerless these days. My son is still so little so I feel I lot of guilt about going to university, I don’t want to miss out on precious moments with him; but I’ll be with him half of the week and going to university will help provide a more secure future for us both. It’s just such a difficult situation.

    • #85735
      HopeLifeJoy
      Participant

      Absolutely go through with your studies this September, do not postpone, the sooner you earned your degree, the better for you and your children.

      Ideally you would care for your children and protect them but since this is not a possibility really at the moment because you do hold very little rights over them, by-pass your situation and fight for your rights by earning a degree. See the long term benefits of it. I believe your strategy is an excellent one.

      Studying also provides you safety in that your actions demonstrate your willingness to better yourself and open up real chances at fighting for (full) custody once the times comes.

      Earning a degree will enhance your career prospects and increase your salary potential, you’ll be financially independent and be able to decide how you wish to conduct your life and who has the right to be in it.

      Your mother won’t be in the picture anymore if you choose to not let her nasty attitude near you and your children.

      Go for it SweetDisposition, it’ll only brings you positives, it’ll strengthen your position in your own life and in the world. 👩‍🎓👍📚🖌

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