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    • #110860
      Losingbattle
      Participant

      So in a nutshell. I took my husband back. However,I’m starting to regret and wished I hadn’t. Although there hasn’t been anything abusive so far the lies have started regarding gambling plus his drinking is still the same. Hes constantly spending. I can’t do it but I’m scared to say. Feel like I’m back at square one

    • #110874
      fizzylem
      Participant

      You’re only back at square one if there is no lessoned learned here; I remember doing just this, took him back with the hope we would start anew. Reality soon hits though doesn’t it once you see nothing has changed and he’s still the same person with the same behaviours, that life will only ever always be like this when with him.

      This told me that I tried, that being together is to only go round in circles, to collude in the abuse, to say to him you can be who you are, do what you do to me and I won’t leave; that the only way forwards is apart.

      I also later drew on this time as a reminder of how things really were when living with him – when I looked back with rose tinted lenses – like most of us do when the heart aches for what it can’t have for a while – it really was no fun at all – and this was the crucial turning point, because this was the time when I decided I really was done now. It is over.

      And again later when he met someone new, again I reminded myself what daily living with him was like – only this time I also thought now some other poor woman is living this, which is her choice, but for me I am now free. FL.x

    • #110883
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      Hi Losingbattle, I can’t advice you too much on your current situation because I will never allow my abuser back into my life. All I can say is they don’t change. They seem to just get better with their words and their behaviour gets worse. I attempted to leave my abuser (detail removed by moderator) times and each time he would baracade the door and give a sob story. He would be okay for a few weeks, then back to his usual bullying self. X

       

    • #110926
      Losingbattle
      Participant

      I just feel stuck again. I know mentally I can make the break but I’m scared of his reaction. He was quite aggressive last time and I think he’d be worse if it was to happen again

    • #110938
      Headspinning
      Participant

      I don’t think there will be anyone on here who hasnt taken their abuser back at least once and possibly lots of occasions only to regret it and feel like you have the mountain to climb all over again.

      I know I took mine back last year and even when doing so I had doubts but a family event was imminent and it was either just give it a go together or say no – and I knew if the family event was a no that would be the final end of it.

      Did I regret it – yes. He had a tantrum almost immediately and I thought, what have I done.

      We were basically then reunited for (detail removed by moderator). In the first gap I had started to educate myself, I joined here, I started looking for patterns, I stopped trying to rationalise with him (sometimes….I wasn’t good at sticking to that and frequently found myself drawn into drama and arguing). He ruined various special events and much as I continued to enjoy the good times which still existed, this reunion gave me time with the blinkers off to see the relationship for what it truly was.

      If I didn’t given it another shot I may always have had doubts in my mind, so for that reason I can’t regret it completely.

      You are learning, you are getting stronger, your tolerance is getting less. You’ve left before. If you really are sure it’s over then there is no shame is just making the decision and doing it. You don’t owe him months of a second chance.

      I guess my advice is don’t beat yourself up about the decision you made. Just draw a line and make a new decision today. Keep developing your resilience, keep reading and keep learning.

      You’ve done it before, you can do it again, and this time you know his game plan reactions so can preempt them too. Xx

       

       

    • #110940
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      When the times right for you Losingbattle, you will know and you will make your break. Xx

    • #110986
      Helphelphelp
      Participant

      Hey Losingbattle
      Don’t feel badly about the mistakes you make, as said above I agree that I doubt there are any women on here who haven’t gone back at least once, and I Think that the average percent of times a women splits from her abuser is 7 before being successful, so don’t think about that. I’m sure you will do it the next time if you can just remember what he does, it’s a bit like the pain of having a baby, we all say ohhh my god never again then seem to forget how terrible it actually is. Until the next time. be strong and remember it’s your life as well, Much love x

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