This topic contains 8 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by  KIP. 6 months, 3 weeks ago.

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  • #70942
     Katie w 
    Participant

    I have been with my husband over (detail removed by moderator) years,he was a charmer in the beginning I believed I had found the one.Looking back the warning signs were there but I didn’t pick up on them, he said his behaviour was down to how his last marriage ended and how he had been treated.I gave my all to make him feel loved and secure.We are separated now although he seems to think I will go back soon,His children lived with us and I done all the things a mother would do I have none of my own and they don’t have contact with there mum.The kids have no respect for me they treat me like there dad do.I feel lost,physically are relationship was gone years ago,he said it was because I had put on weight,eaten spicy food,I never had money even though I work full time as he liked to live to a certain standard,I paid all the utility bills,if I asked for money at the end of the month I was frowned on.Before I left I went a bit crazy I thought I was going mad,now. he is telling people I must have a hormone imbalance that’s why I left.He is showing no compassion or remorse is this normal,I feel it wouldn’t of mattered what I done it would never of been good enough.Is there life after a relationship like this.

  • #70975
     Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    Hi Katie w, yes there’s a life after a relationship like this. It’s a life that we get to make decisions that don’t have someone telling us were stupid, wrong or whatever they decide we are. There’s a life that’s peaceful, with friends and family around if we choose so, not being made to feel they’re intruding in HIS house, taking us away from him. I too worked full time at one stage, had my own business, yet I was always skint, in our over my overdraft. Not all financial abuse is wanting to see receipts or being given so much money,it’s agreeing to buy a large item, house, home improvements, car, whatever, you both agree the repayments are doable, then before you know it, you’re paying it all, or most of it. Welcome to the forum, you’ll learn so much bring on here. I can’t believe how long obe been posting for, I’ve learned a lot, but still can’t leave but that’s changing every day.
    IWMB 💕💕

  • #70982
     maddog 
    Participant

    You have been the 2nd Mrs him you poor thing. Do you know why the children don’t see their mum? My former step children largely avoided their dad like the plague. Now I understand. It was a long time coming. His behaviour is up to him. We cant change them & we can’t make them better whatever they tell us. These people lie through their teeth. Our reality does not exist to them.

  • #70985
     Katie w 
    Participant

    Hi thank you for your replies,Somewhere likes this really helps you to see the light,I can’t really talk to family or freinds because I now relies I have hidden so much of what I was going through and a lot of the people I am close to thinks he’s great,(that’s down to the fact we never saw people often and when we did he was on his best behaviour coming across kind,caring and generous)my sister saw him for what he was but although we are close I feel embarrassed telling her how bad things got.The children don’t see there mum as she chose a new man and life over them,perhaps she felt like I now do,I am trying to justify a clean break as they are not my children,and I am getting nothing positive back from them.Having said all it was so hard to leave as I missed the control I was used to in a strange way I don’t understand it.

  • #70998
     maddog 
    Participant

    It sounds so hard for you and for the children. What real life support do you have? It looks as though you are surrounded by abuse. Women’s Aid should be able to get you started. Keep posting!

  • #71007
     Apricotpoppy 
    Participant

    Hi Katie W , I am so sorry to hear of this abuse you suffered. Don’t worry it is part of abuse to cover up and pretend everything is ok and make him look good. Most of us have been there and felt the shame and humiliation. This will slowly fade as you understand what happened to you. There is also counselling.
    Part of our healing is to break the silence and start reaching out like you are doing here. It is the hardest thing to do but keep reaching out and you will find support.
    Try and look after the basics like good food, gentle exercise, rest and treat yourself very kindly as if you are a child. There are ups and downs after. We have a lot of criticism and negativity to overcome.
    If you can, try and put yourself first at all times. This is ok. Hard to do because we have been running around looking after everyone else for so long. Talk to a WA or DA support worker. All the best x

  • #71008
     Apricotpoppy 
    Participant

    One other thing. Be careful about lovebombing. They can be all charming, remorseful and promise you a lot to get you back. I wasn’t aware of this and finally left got tricked into coming back thinking he was leaving. Then all sorts of horrible things happened which really set me back money wise and mentally. Got out eventually!X

  • #71328
     Katie w 
    Participant

    Hi thanks for your replies,he isn’t trying to win me back,he’s trying to make me see how easily he can move on,I am really beginning to see how much he has manlipulated me in the past,however the more I see through him the angrier I get,it makes me realise I could never of done anything to make it work because he didn’t want a two way loving relationship it was all about his needs,He is telling people he never wanted us to end its my choice and he respects me to much to not give me what I need,I feel like I am CRAZY,have any of you ended up sad,mad,irrational because of how you are being treated,I guess I need to let go and not worry what people thing,I am a shadow of how I used to be,He does all the right things so people thinks he’s lovely,but my emotional needs mean nothing to him.How do you start to really move on.

  • #71351
     KIP. 
    Participant

    Hi, google Gaslighting. Abusers are really good at that. They make us feel crazy. Imagine where you want to be in say six months. Draw a line to that goal and don’t deviate. One conversation with my ex would involve pleading, threats, reasonable behaviour, agreeing with me, disagreeing with me, accusing me, assuring me he would change, threatening me. It’s crazy making behaviour. It takes two to make a relationship work. Abusers simply change the goal posts and continue to abuse. Zero or minimum contact is how to move on. Any contact is toxic for us.

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