I tried to leave…

[Getmylifeback]

So Monday night all kicks off again. He tells me i’m boring and miserable, how he has young women lined up to take my place. He gives me an ultimatum (this is all said very calmly) – I either change my attitude immediately starting the next day (yesterday) or I can leave. I can take the kids and stay with mum and dad til I get sorted and he wont get angry. He’d rather that than live in the misery he’s in at the moment. At the time it was 11pm and we were in bed (he always starts it at a vunerable time) so I ended up saying the same, no I don’t want to go etc then ended up going to sleep (well I pretended for a long time!)

Yesterday I got the same phone calls, im making his life a misery with my attitude etc etc and he expects an instant change to me. He’ll stop being horrible to me but I need to show him I love him first.

SO after work I left kids with my friend and told him I was going to stay with my parents for a couple of days to clear my head.

I actually told him I had a doc appointment Thursday and showed him that his behaviour has made me so anxious that I’ve been pulling out my own hair. He apologised and said he didn’t realise I felt that bad.

When he realised I was being serious about takin the kids to my parents it started.

Had the tears, the guilt trip, that he’ll change, that he promises me he’ll never do it again, cant cope without me, he’d be back to square one, blah blah. Trouble is I just don’t believe him as I’ve heard it all before!

He took my car keys, wouldn’t even let me go pick the kids up from my friends, he took me there and waited outside. Even said last night he was going to bring me to work today and pick me up in case I went and he made me promise that I wouldn’t just disappear with the kids as that’s what his mum did. So I stood there and made the promise so I could drive myself to work.

I honestly don’t think he does always mean what he says and how he behaves sometimes but like I said to him he’s a grown man and not a child anymore and whether he means it or not it is still coming out of his mouth and I’m not taking any sh*tty excuses that it’s not him, it was the drink, he hasn’t been well, etc.

Then it’s how can I do it to the poor kids (like I haven’t thought about them in all of it!!)

I just hate the thought of the kids being stuck in this sh*t storm and I just can’t see a way out of it.

He’s after promises that everything will be ok and I said I’m not promising anything (just biding time!).

I am going to try to ring my local womans aid tomorrow and see what they can advise.

[KIP.]

Start keeping a journal of his behaviour. It’s already illegal and you may want to get a non molestation order or occupation order to get him out the house. The mind games they play are fine while they work on us but you called his bluff and he will up his game now. Be very careful and get advice from women’s aid x

[Flowerchild]

KIP is spot on (when isn’t she?)

He fits the description of coercive behaviour with taking your car keys to control you!

Why do abusers expect us to read their minds? I used to get, “Oh, you should have known I didn’t mean it when I said X; you should have known I really meant it when I said Y.”

No: say what you mean and mean what you say, and don’t be surprised when I act accordingly. I will not waste time trying to solve you like a broken puzzle!

He told you it was over, he wanted out, and you agreed. That should be the end of it.

Don’t be moved by all the drama and shenanigans, darling; decide what YOU want, what’s best for you children (not witnessing his extended, noisy, emotional indecision about what he really wants, for sure)

He needs to remember what happened to the boy who cried wolf.

Good luck, darling.

Flower x

Flower x

[freedomtochoose]

Yes, it is about coming back to – or moving forward with your own needs. And those of your kids.

One of the things that was hardest for me (and still maybe at times is…) is
identifying and listening to your own needs.

Almost as if with domestic abuse it has that effect,
we are so used to trying to accommodate someone else (and haven’t yet really taken it in that this is actually impossible, as the goalposts keep moving) and we will never be able to do this…

So meaning what you say, and saying what you need is very important in your recovery.

ftc
x

[Getmylifeback]

Thank you all for your responses. Im going to ring womansaid tomorrow in my lunch break.

Thinjs are wonderful (sarcastic!) At the moment, all nicey nicey, how much he loves me, cant believe he nearly lost me, will never do anything again. And b****y wanting cuddles every 5 mins (i must be like cuddling a rock, thats what i feel like!)

I spike to my friend earlier and said that whilst he was crying last night and desperate i stood without an emotion in the world. I really didnt give a f@ck but at the same time i didnt feel scared either. It was a weird moment, i actually feel in control of myself for the first time.

Im not going to run out the door, im goinv to be playing this very carefully.

My parents are fully aware and my mum is going to come with me to womans aid if i can get a face to face appointment although im scared some of what comes out will properly put the wind up her).

At lesst if i know exactly where i am legally i feel some enpowerment.

But i do also feel like a cold calculating b!tch and that scares me as if makes me think it maybe me causing some of this.

[AlwaysSorry]

You are not a cold calculating anything, hun. You’re just taking charge of what is best for you.

It’s strange reading how different my experience was to yours, I loved those cuddles after a big blow out (even if I was so bruised, cuddles probably hurt more but hey), but I only ever got those cuddles after fights, or maybe I just never got to where you did where enough was wnough – reading this, you sound like a woman who has had enough. And that is a huge thing and you should be proud of this. It sounds really good to involce WA in this, they can help you with a safe plan to get out and away. About your mum, if you are worried you won’t be able to talk freely with her there, maybe she can go for a coffee and meet you afterwards so you can still have some good mother-daughter time.

Don’t take on the blame for this. Wanting out is nothing to feel ashamed about. Not being into cuddles with him after he has been horrible to you is actually in my opinion a healthy sign. Go get that empowerment and keep posting on here.

[Getmylifeback]

Alwayssorry… i used to like the cuddles as i knew if he was like that he wouldnt be mean.

Now i just dont want it as they are for him nit me.

He said today (detail removed by moderator)  Im just sat there thinking has he listened at all, its my anxiety causinv me to basically self harm and pull my hair out and he thinks (detail removed by moderator)!!

I spoke to an outreach worker at my local womans aid today, she was si lovely and explained him as text book. Im meeting her (detail removed by moderator) to discuss options and recommended solicitor details.

I still feel awful and deceiptful though. I cant imagjne how itll go down when it does but at least ill have the knowledge.

Thanks for listening.

[Fudgecake]

Hi Getmylifeback,
Don’t feel bad about trying to escape an abusive environment. These abusers won’t take no for an answer and will try to continue the cycle of abuse over and over. What used to amaze me was that after I’d finally react my ex would act as if it had never happened and try to brush it all underneath the carpet. How can you communicate and reason with someone like that? You can’t. And then what I’d said would be thrown back at me months after in another time when things were getting bad to imply it was all my fault. It never ends. You need to make plans without him knowing because that’s the only way with these people. Make sure you stay safe though and act normal if you can, even though that will be the hardest thing to do because you are a decent person who can empathise with how others feel.

[Getmylifeback]

Thats exactly how it is. Anything saud, especially when ive tried to open up and be honest with my feelings has then been twisted into a put down or dig. I once and i mean oncd said j may as well be a single mum. He now twidts things that when he has a boys day out he has felt anxious and guilty all day vecause i said that.

At docs this morning and im bricking it. It seems so real.

[Getmylifeback]

Update, ive been to doctors and it was a lovely lady.

I basically broke down in front of her, it all came pouring out. She was very tactful and asked open questions and typed up a lot.

Ve got to go back next week after my WA meeting.

[Author]

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