8th January 2022 at 9:21 pm #136731shelleybelleParticipant
I have been with my partner for a long time and we have a child together. He first physically abused me a couple of years into our relationship and in more recent years this has become more frequent. Alongside the physical abuse, he emotionally and financially abuses and is coercive.
A few weeks ago he beat me up quite badly but I couldn’t call the Police as I knew he was due to receive his (detail removed by moderator) I felt unable to do that to him. The results are that he (detail removed by moderator) and now I feel stuck.
I am a shell of the person I once was, I have no confidence, he has all the money and all the assets in his name despite me being the only one to have worked full-time throughout our relationship. I am in debt and am stuck. I know I can get an occupation order and non-molestation order but I have done this in the past but always felt bad and sorry for him and had it revoked.
I can’t do this anymore, I used to be strong and independent but now I feel incapable and a traitor as how can I walk out (I also have nowhere to go) or kick him out when he is awaiting further exploration of his prognosis?
Thank you for reading .
8th January 2022 at 10:14 pm #136734Twisted SisterParticipant
I am so sorry to hear you have struggled and suffered for so long.
Did he say, I am now facing possible cancer so I’m going to leave you alone, stop hurting you, coercing or controlling the financing, because I may have cancer? No, he’s stopped nothing and has no intention of doing so regardless of his diagnosis. This someone isn’t on your side, he doesn’t care about the harm he is causing you, only about himself, and at the moment you are also putting yourself last, and prioritising his needs over yours.
Yes, he’ll use that against you, to blame you for doing this to him when he’s at such a terrible time, but he was always going to blame you for everything anyway, wasn’t he? You don’t have to always take the blame, you’ve had enough and thats fine, and more than due from what you’ve said.
Its ok, he’s made it clear over many years that you are not a partnership, that this is not a relationship that the two of you have but a toxic power and coercion bullying situation. You loved your bully once, but you now see his is a bully. He will be a bully and abuser no matter what his physical health.
I know its easy for me to say, I’m not the one facing your situation, but I think you may say the same to me if this was my situation. You can offer help from a distance, you don’t have to be together intimately and maintain the outward appearance of ‘being together’ when he’s made it clear thisisn’t what you are.
I hope you can do this, can gather your strength that you’ve already shown you have, to take this step. The fact that the timing is rubbish is not your responsibility, there will always be reasons to stay, but there are safety and your wellbeing to prioritise, and that cannot be done whilst you are with him.
As you’ve had these orders before, its nothing new, so its not like you’ve waited till he was ill, its been your intent inside for a long time. You can do this, and you’ve come so close. I wish you every strength.
9th January 2022 at 10:59 am #136747HereforhelpParticipant
Hey lovely, your title stopped me I my tracks as I read…
I want to leave (my abusive husband who has been asking me for years) but he may or may not have cancer? Do you see it? I know indeed in the abuse part to your title but that’s what it is… you expected to put up with all his abuse and unacceptable behaviours , it is not your responsibility if he is sick, he will and is using this to his advantage to keep you there.
You sound very kind, thoughtful, full of empathy and concern, it is all so confusing as your husband doesn’t appreciate your lovely qualities, he uses them against you. I truly hope you find the strength to separate and leave as he will not change, he will get worse and you deserve a life you want, to be happy and free from abuse ❤ I found d reading posts on here helps xx
9th January 2022 at 12:19 pm #136753KIP.Participant
Living with cancer although it’s a terrible diagnosis is a very common illness nowadays and certainly not the death sentence it used to be. Abusers are liars and manipulators. It’s very common for them to lie about suicide and illness to get you back on side. Abusing you is abusing your child so he’s now a child abuser as well. If you feel guilty it’s because he’s programmed you to feel guilt. There is never an excuse for domestic abuse. Contact your local women’s aid and do not believe a word he says. Mine had lumps on his testicles. What a load of rubbish. Get some legal advice. Get all your ducks in a row but do not tell him what you’re doing. I found out through a solicitor that I was entitled to way more than I thought. It could make the decision for you. I’d also report his assault to the police and if you can’t do that it’s important you photograph injuries and report it to your GP. It could make the difference when it comes to custody. You can also take a non molestation order or apply for an occupation order.
9th January 2022 at 10:04 pm #136773shelleybelleParticipant
Thank you all for your kind words and support.
Today has been an okay day but I am only too aware how this can change in a blink of an eye. He definitely has cancer as I was with him when he got the results they are now unsure whether it is localised or has travelled.
I will continue to read the posts on her as I truly believe that they will give me the strength to finally make the move that I know I need to.
11th January 2022 at 10:47 pm #136899CecileParticipant
Shelley Elle when I eventually crept away from my abuser at the start of the pandemic it was with the knowledge that he had recovered from something similar and also had a major bereavement that shook the family. But it was life or death for me because he was trying to kill me in ways subtle and not so subtle. If I had stopped to feel guilty I would not be alive today, so at the time I blanked it and focused on getting out. To this day I cannot talk to anybody about how bad this was, my mind won’t go there, but I do occasionally feel grateful that I was able to ignore his personal tragedies in recognition of the vast harm that he was doing to me. I drew on advice from amazing people on this site to get out, but lost all sense of feeling for a time. A therapist later told me that’s because my mind knew I was in great danger, and in fight or flight our emotions stop. Probably helped with not being sucked into his needs. I never ever regret leaving him. I always congratulate myself for being able to over ride my empathy and do it. Illness is not a justification for harming others. Get past his needs and ignore them and put yourself first.
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