1st August 2022 at 2:29 pm #147864InnominateParticipant
Hello, I’m very new to this and don’t really know what to write other than my thoughts. I’ve spent the past few days reading other posts and it has helped a lot it’s given me strength day to day.
I question every single thing I do in my life and I don’t know if it’s me or my partner/child’s dad. He’s very clever with everything he does and says nobody ever sees what he says just how I react. He’s threatened to tell secrets about me if I didn’t sleep with him. My opinion is irrelevant in every situation and he makes sure I always second guess myself. I no longer feel like a woman I feel like a child I don’t know how to dress or act anymore. I’m always looking for a second opinion with everything. Yet nothint is ever my fault. Every time I put a picture on Instagram or Snapchat he accuses me of being a (detail removed by Moderator) and wanting attention off other males. He never compliments me and he’s even admitted to not doing because he knows it will make me feel confident. I want to leave and I know that’s best for me and my children but I’ve done it before and ended up going back. He says it’s me that gives him attitude and I’m the one that causes everything all the arguments are my fault. He calls me pathetic and tells me to grow up if I try and voice my opinion. He left me sobbing in my room for (detail removed by Moderator) the other day and when I went to him begging for a cuddle he said (detail removed by Moderator). We’ve been on holiday for the (detail removed by Moderator) and it’s just been worse we’re back home (detail removed by Moderator) bur he’s said he isn’t leaving our family home because he’s on the tenancy and if I do anything to change it he will ruin my life and make nobody want me or even my own family.
1st August 2022 at 3:03 pm #147866BananaboatParticipant
Hello and welcome. I think your post has posted twice but not to worry. Gosh I can hear your pain and I’m so sorry to hear your holiday has been ruined. That’s very typical sadly. It sounds like you’ve told him it’s over/to leave? That’s a big hurdle so well done! He’ll throw everything at you now – threats, intimidation, even being overly nice to try to get you back inline. This is when you have to be super strong and hold your decision.
Have you heard that it takes on average 7 times to leave before you leave for good? So stop being hard on yourself, he knows what strings to pull to get you back and gosh don’t we all want to believe he’s sorry and we can live happily. Truth is they don’t change, but you do, watering yourself down and down until you no longer recognise yourself or enjoy life – which he then uses against you further.
Learn about the cycle of abuse, trauma bonding, cognitive dissonance and FOG (fear, guilt and obligation) – these all keep us hooked longer than they should. Reach out to WomansAid chatline. You do have rights and options open to you, despite him telling you you don’t! Don’t worry about what he’ll say to others – he probably won’t because it’ll make him look bad, and if he does and they believe him well they weren’t your people so good riddance.
These men are very clever, very manipulative but a lot of it is cloaks and mirrors, you deserve to be happy and your kids only get one childhood for you and then to enjoy. The more you learn about abuse, the more you recognise and stronger you’ll become. If it’s safe to do so start by moving key documents somewhere or taking copies, look up benefits and support for when you’re on your own (as he’ll most likely use financial control at some point).
I know it’s daunting right now but recognising you don’t want to live like this and feel the same in 12 months, or 5 years time is a really positive, empowering step. You might stumble back and forth on the journey but you got this. This forum will help massively xx
1st August 2022 at 4:14 pm #147871lionessinthedarkParticipant
Leaving is such a hard thing to do and I think anyone who went through it will tell you that it took many attempts. As @bananaboat said above, on average it takes 7 attempts! I think you reading through other stories on the forum is a great start, because you will learn that you are not alone in this and that there are people who will support you if you decide to leave.
If it is safe to do so, research Women’s Aid in your area and contact them. To me it was helpful even just speaking to them and it started a process in my head, even though I didn’t leave my ex straight away.
Do you have friends or family that you really, really trust? If so, you could consider speaking to one of them about your plans and that you would like to have someone to help you if you do decide to leave. This was ultimately made a big difference to me, a friend that listened and offered to watch my child whilst I had to go about organising a new place to stay etc.
I know, it feels like a big leap into the unknown and it is hard to overcome the fear and worthlessness an abuser can plant in our heads, but believe me there are many examples that you can still be strong enough to escape. I wish you and your children all the best. Don’t give up hope!
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