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I need to leave. Every night I say I’ll do it tomorrow. But I never do. Why can’t I just do it. I even have my own place. Im not physically hurt but not allowed to be me. Told off for talking to neighbours, seeing friends he doesn’t like. Constantly bombarded with texts and face time messages. I’m sure I’m being checked up on. I can’t take anymore yet I’m Still here. What can.i do!
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You need to ask yourself why you stay?
List the reasons why you stay with this man and what his good qualities are. How many are there?
If there are some, then this is why you stay. Although you are unhappy, you are just clinging on to the positives because you are still living with a small amount of hope that your unhappiness will pass and he will become a great guy.
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They are all convincing. So many times have I dealt with men who are charming and speak so eloquently about how their ex partner is not stable enough to have the kids because she’s got MH issues, is on anti depressants, unstable in her behaviour, goes off on one at the slightest thing…
This is what abusers do, it is who they are.
Have a read of a thread called This Is My Abuser started by iliketea
Read up on abuser behaviours and see where yours fits in to it. Educate yourself how they work and learn that if your relationship is not a happy one now it never will be. Every day longer you spend with this man is an extra day of your life wasted.
You are one of the lucky ones. You have somewhere to go to. So many ladies on here at the moment would be gone in the morning if they had somewhere else to go to but they haven’t.
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Yes, I fully know that feeling in the pit of your stomach, and that faster beating of the heart when you hear the key in the door, or their car on the drive, or you just see that look on their face. That vice like grip in your chest and that overall feeling of panic and dread.
Controlling and Coercive Behaviour is a real crime, if they micro manage your life, your friends, your family, your communication, your thoughts, then they really own you and you totally lose yourself in the process.
Are you doubting your own decision making process at the moment? You know you want to go and you have somewhere to go to, so think rationally, what is stopping you? This is your life, so what if other people think you look like ‘the bad one in this.’ It’s not their business. You are making a decision that affects your life, your mental health, it’s not their business.
Are you scared of what he will physically do to you, or someone you love if you leave him?
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We all do what we do for a reason. You just have to find out what yours is. Some women think they deserve to be abused and they like being dominated. I think it may be a person is addicted to pain and trauma/drama as well. It takes our mind off of who we are, what’s really going on inside us, where our own personal voids are, growth that is stunted personally, etc. If we have something always going on around us and involved in that tornado then we can put off doing our own personal work inside ourselves. It constantly goes to the back seat and we use our current abuse as an excuse not to face ourselves.
Sometimes it’s interesting to just write down things about yourself – likes, dislikes, weaknesses. strengths, what you love about yourself, what you hate, what are your goals and dreams – do you have any, what are your boundaries and so on…. When you do this exercise it can really reveal to you if you know yourself or are in tune with yourself. Because if not then you will constantly be about filling that void with someone else and adopting their answers as your answers. Maybe you need to knock on your own door and introduce yourself and ask if you can come in and have a chat?
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Thanks Braelynn. Boundaries for me is something I really do need to work on. I’ve realised in my later years that I have not set clear and firm boundaries so get walked over. I’m getting more comfortable with myself and just want a peaceful but fun life, no stress. I think I’m scared of the reaction when I go. Its not going to be easy. Thank you for replying.
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We should be more afraid of what will happen if we stay though, right? You have to turn that one right around. The slow drip of poison every day is lethal. Get those boundaries back up and patrol them rigidly. I said No about whatever, didn’t stutter when I said it and there will be quick consequences when I am disrespected! Get out that whip Girlfriend! ….of course I am envisioning the demon children who call themselves men liking the whip….. so, ok fine, use a ballbat!
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