31st August 2019 at 11:00 am #86860
Hi Ladies, I haven’t posted on here for a long time. I haven’t been on a date for a very long time either. Anyway I got chatting to a man I met online. He seemed respectful and polite so I agreed to meet him for an early evening drink.
Firstly he wasn’t the person on his profile picture and to me that was a red flag because I felt he wasn’t being honest about who he was (I’m (detail removed by moderator) myself, but at least my profile pic is honest). The conversation between us was stilted and he seemed awkward and ill at ease. He then said he didn’t feel comfortable in busy pubs and suggested we go to a local beauty spot where it was quieter. I agreed because it was a pleasant evening and there were plenty of people around.
Then he dropped the bombshell; he had a wife and kids, that he was separated but no divorce pending. Red flag number two. He told me his wife drank heavily and was violent when drunk. Red flag number three. the conversation was still stilted and it became clear that all he was interested in was sex and not in getting to know me as a person. Red flag number four. I cut the date short and said I was going home. I have now told him I don’t want to see him again.
Beginning to wonder if I have a sign on my head that attracts these geeks. He seemed so polite and respectful when I was chatting to him. It all goes to show that people are not always what they seem…Hey ho.
31st August 2019 at 11:14 am #86862KIP.Participant
No experience is wasted if we learn from it. Well done for handling it so well. I’ve been on a few dates, it was good practice for the real world but there are genuine men out there. Just take your time and try to keep a sense of humour. I turned one man down and he told me that my profile read ‘ready for a new relationship’. He thought that seemed to mean I was ready for a new relationship with the first man that came along lol. Hey ho. I’m in no rush x enjoying being single x
31st August 2019 at 11:54 am #86868
To be honest I think red flag two was trying to get you to go to the local beauty spot… It sounds rather disingenuous. Presumably he had agreed the pub as a meeting place. If he was really uncomfortable in pubs he could have asked if you could meet in a coffee shop instead. Which is what my current boyfriend did because he is teetotal. Chalk it up to experience. There are a lot of arseholes out there. Not necessarily abusive (although I would be very worried about all the red flags raised by your guy), but not really people you want to date either. If you are online dating it gets easier to filter these guys out before you even meet them in person with a bit of experience. A lot of them will let red flags slip in their writing, before you even have to meet them. I would highly recommend complete ruthlessness in dismissing men who make you even slightly uneasy in their messages. They are generally worse in real life…
I think the easiest way to show them up is to set firm boundaries. Mine were “I won’t tell you where I live” and “I won’t tell you what car I drive”. Because you might be a crazy stalker. I mean, for the location, I would say what town I lived in, as if they pressed for information I said I wasn’t comfortable giving out the neighbourhood before I met them. And cars just got a point blank refusal: “you don’t need to know that”. But if they pressed for information once I said that I wasn’t happy disclosing it until I knew them better, then that was it. They were out. If they are not going to accept the boundaries that I deem necessary for my safety online dating then they are people I want to trust my physical safety to by meeting in person. The occasional horror slips through this filter, but it helps a lot.
Hope this guy hasn’t put you off completely. You don’t attract them. There are just a lot of women who only go on a single date with guts like these, whereas nice men are more likely to get second dates and indeed permanent relationships. It means you get a disproportionately large number of these idiots on first dates. Take a break if you need one, tighten your filtering procedures, and try again.
31st August 2019 at 1:04 pm #86873
Thank you ladies for replying.
To be honest I feel quite low this morning. I didn’t spot any red flags when we were messaging because he came across as polite and respectful and didn’t put me under any pressure.
However, when we met I didn’t fancy him, but that in and of itself is ok, because you might not fancy someone when you first meet them in person. However it was a red flag that he wasn’t who he looked like in his profile picture and I felt that was devious.
I must admit I was a bit doubtful about going to the beauty spot because we could have tried to find a pub that was less crowded (we were in an area with plenty of pubs). I only agreed because it was early evening, pleasant weather and there were lot of people about. However it soo became clear that he had another agenda, which was to coerce me into having sex and had no interest in getting to know me as a person. I may be old fashioned, but I don’t want to kiss someone on a first date, even if I feel attracted to them. Maybe a peck on the cheek if the evening has gone well and we want to see each other again, but not a full-blown “snog” – and more – which was what he wanted. I told him I didn’t feel comfortable with this, but he tried to snog me again which is unacceptable.
When we were chatting online he told me he was single, but then admitted he was married but his marriage had broken down. He could have up front about this when we were chatting and not hidden it, which is devious. I am very wary when men say they are victims of drunken female violence. I know that some men are abused by women, but a lot of abusers claim to be victims of ‘drunken’ and violent women when in fact they are the perpetrators.
I’m so glad I cut the date short and this morning I messaged him to say I didn’t want to see him again and immediately blocked him. Thank you Tiffany for your suggestions. Unfortunately I did tell him what car I was driving but I won’t repeat that mistake in future. I’ve learned my lesson.
31st August 2019 at 1:24 pm #86874AnonymousInactive
hi ladies are all men just complete and utter s**m bag? as if we haven’t been through enough without these sleeze bags wanting to take that little bit more away from us? the older we get the harder it is to meet people so dating sites are occasionally the only way to get back out there but they are full of cranks liars and cheats. my boss has just met a guy on tinder hes the bees knees took her away on holiday paid for everything. is he the real deal or are we going to find her in a ditch? it worries me it really does. im going to buy a Guinea pig to keep me company.. we are worth so much more than to be used and abused again..
31st August 2019 at 4:06 pm #86887
I went on a single date with a guy whose photos were all in profile, which seemed kind of weird. When I met him in real life it turned out his ears stuck out practically at right angles to his head. That probably wouldn’t have bothered me if he hadn’t picked a seat right by the slot machines so he could turn round literally every 5 minutes and have another go on them. It was quite clear that his only interest in me was as a potential sex object. I bailed after one drink (non alcoholic, because I was driving) and he followed me to my car and tried to kiss me. Fortunately there was a mismatch in height and I was able to duck out of range. He probably chalks that failure down to the ears, as clearly he thought that otherwise he was god’s gift. But it most definitely was not. He was the reason I added the “don’t meet them if they pressure you to tell what car you drive” rule. I actually hadn’t told him, but he had pressured, and I had ignored it. People who pressure you for information that you reasonably might not want to disclose are not good dating bets. Also, to my mind, men who care what car you drive aren’t worth dating. The only exception to this would be if you were a very keen petrol head and we’re really into your cars. Then talking about cars makes sense and it’s probably a good idea to pick another arbitrary thing that you aren’t going to tell (phone numbers are a good bet – I kept stuff in app to avoid nutters having my phone number – or where you work, or something).
The guy I am with now had dreadful photos on his profile. As in I wasn’t even entirely sure they were all of the same person. But he had bothered to fill in his interests, and they lined up fairly well with my own. So I took a punt. There were no red flags in his messages. We met up and got along well. I felt safe in his presence. And it was the middle of the day and relatively busy. So once we had had a couple of coffees, and some lunch, (and never stopped talking the whole time) I suggested that we went for a bit of a walk. It was the middle of the day and a popular walking route so I was confident that I would be safe even if I had misjudged. He didn’t try and kiss me on that first date. Or the second, where to my surprise I found I was perfectly confident to trust him to drive me to the next town to a fundraising lecture he was helping out at. I just had such a strong gut instinct that I was safe around him. And that has never been proved wrong, in the entire time we have been together.
So I would say feel free to break the rules once you have met the guy in real life, if your gut instinct is that that it is ok. But if your gut says, this is not right (and by the sounds of it, you had that instinct with this guy from the minute you met him) then don’t give them any bebefit of the doubt, even to bring the date to a polite end. You don’t need to have great chemistry instantly, obviously. My instincts with my current partner initially were that “this guy would be a good friend and I feel safe and comfortable around him” rather than “this guy is really hot/sexy/attractive”. But if you get “something is off” vibes then bailing is totally appropriate. Pretend you’ve been rung by someone in an emergency, or that your feeling unwell if you have to. But you don’t owe any of your time to anyone who makes you feel uncomfortable.
Don’t let this experience get you down. It was the guy you met who was the problem. Not you. There will be nice guys out there too. It just takes a while to find them
31st August 2019 at 4:41 pm #86889KIP.Participant
Imsosad, my husband met a woman, wined and dined her, paid for her holiday and everything else. While still married to me. Boy did she get the shock of her life. Scumbag. When I say he paid for everything, it was from our joint bank account. Don’t know how I recovered from that but it was the final push I needed to get out. Abusers don’t have a moral compass, not only that but because they don’t have a conscience, the come across as very plausible. Good riddance to bad rubbish x
1st September 2019 at 11:58 am #86927LavenderroseParticipant
I met my daughters dad online (my ex). When we met I was underwhelmed. He was short his profile said otherwise and just not what I was expecting. He hadn’t had a relationship in years and still lived at home. He told me he was living with a friend for a brief spell until his friends gf was on the scene and they moved out which meant moving back home. Later transpired from a slip up via his mum that it was all lies! I wish I hadn’t overlooked these things as it took me a while to feel comfortable with him as he was quite full on straight away but I just went with it as I just put it down to not being used to being doted on like that before.
Will definitely trust my instincts from now on as I never saw any of this coming xx
2nd September 2019 at 10:55 pm #87061
I’m feeling very angry at the moment; with him for being arrogant, entitled and devious, and with myself for being duped. As it was my first date in a very long time I was quite excited and looking forward to it and I think I let my guard down a bit – lesson learned!
On the other hand, I wasn’t to know his profile picture was fake (it never occurred to me that someone would use a fake pic), nor could I have known he was married. I suspect his discomfort in the pub could have been a control tactic to get me to do what he wanted, which was to go to the beauty spot. As we’ve probably all experienced, abusers are experts at creating an uncomfortable atmosphere when they don’t want to do something.
I was very taken aback when we met because I was expecting to meet someone who looked like his photo. Tbh he looked very slobbish and I felt put off. I still feel very violated because he grabbed me without warning and started kissing me, then tried to go further before I pushed him away – the arrogance of the man thinking he could do that to a woman he barely knew when he was such a slob!
Tiffany, what a s**mbag asking you out and then spending time playing with slot machines. That shows a very arrogant, entitled and disrespectful attitude. I believe you can have your ears pinned back on the NHS if it’s causing you distress. I hate that these men are so predatory and think they are God’s gift to women, as well as having unbelievable cheek. I’m glad that you’ve since met someone decent with whom you feel safe and comfortable.
Lavenderrose, it’s interesting how we don’t always listen to our gut instinct or we somehow try to rationalise their behaviour even when we sense that something is “off”. My ex came across as very self-centred right from the start, but he seemed nice otherwise so I gave him the benefit of the doubt – big mistake as it turned out. He was also very secretive and I later found out that he’d lied about a lot of things. Yet when you’re the kind of person who wants to see the good in people – as most of us are – it’s hard to believe that there are people out there who are callous, devious, dishonest, selfish, arrogant, entitled and exploitive. It’s just a shame that there are so many of these predators around.
I’ve realised that I need to tighten up my boundaries and even become quite ruthless when talking to men online from now on.
2nd September 2019 at 11:36 pm #87067
I think that the rules for dating post abuse can probably be boiled down to a single line: “Don’t give them the benefit of the doubt”.
We tend to be such empaths, and try to see the best in people, which is how we get stuck with the abusers so long. But the benefit of the doubt shouldn’t put our future happiness at risk for a man we don’t know! Or even one we do…
I can highly recommend holding out for a man who gives you no reason to doubt. It’s still not easy, dating after abuse. But when the man is nice it’s actually worth it. Otherwise it’s much nicer to be on your own and do your own thing!
3rd September 2019 at 10:29 am #87109
To be honest I’m quite happy being single. I have plenty of interests and I don’t feel lonely – in fact, I like living on my own because it means I can do what I like in my own space.
Tiffany, these men don’t think as we do. They’re entitled and have a completely different perspective about what a relationship means. From now on it’s zero tolerance and absolutely no benefit of the doubt. As you’ve mentioned, you can normally pick up red flags in their messages, but this one was clever and flew under my radar. I’m still annoyed at the fake profile picture and next time I’m going to ask for more pics and ask more questions. Hopefully the next one will be nicer xx
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