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    • #49900
      Tiffany
      Participant

      And it was lovely. I was so anxious beforehand because the man seemed so nice I thought it must be a facade. It wasn’t. He was genuinely just a nice man, completely respectful of my boundaries, no pressure. Honestly, there wasn’t a single thing that raised a single alarm. I don’t know at this stage if we will go on another date. But it feels really good that I can do this. And know that if I get into another long term relationship that it will be with someone like that, not someone like my abuser.

    • #49945
      Lisa
      Main Moderator

      Thank you for sharing this with us, Tiffany. It is great to hear.

      Best wishes,

      Lisa

    • #49959
      lover of no contact
      Participant

      Yes keep us posted about the dating life. Its heartening to know there are respectful, decent men out there. Onwards and upwards:)

    • #49972
      Tiffany
      Participant

      We’re back to just occasional texting. He is really busy at the moment – with a genuine event, which is A. definitely happening (and easily checked) and B. really is taking up all his time outside work. But I am hoping to maybe ask him out again in a couple of weeks once it is over. It also turns out that a friend of mine was at school with him and her response when I said I went on a date with him was ‘oh such-and-such, he’s lovely’, which is also quite reassuring! Of course he might be busy and not fancy me and just be texting back because he is polite. Still, nothing ventured nothing gained.

      And my general friend development efforts are going well. I have a couple of prospective activities lined up with my girlfriends, I have reconnected with some old school friends and I am feeling pretty upbeat about life.

      Can’t believe I am this much further forward in just a month. I feel like something just clicked and the abuse has suddenly receded to a distance at which I can deal with it. Not sure that description makes sense. It was like it was looming over me, and it has just stepped back. I can still see it, and it hasn’t left me, but it doesn’t feel like an immanent threat and I feel like I can see it more clearly. I am sure it will loom over me again at some point, but I had started feeling like maybe it would always be there, so it is a great relief to discover it won’t be.

    • #49977
      keepmovingfoward
      Participant

      try and relax honey, its so easy to overthink. i panic when im trying to date people (before my abuser) and i come across as too needy if im not careful. im self-employed and i forget that some people arent allowed access to their personal phones or cant respond as easily at work etc.

      its good that your moving forward and able to put your past feelings in the back seat, try and stay positive. even if you just end up with nice new male friend, its no loss, just a reminder that there are nice people out there. not just mean people.

    • #49979
      Janedoeissad
      Participant

      Tiffany this is awesome!!

      I’m so glad it went well for you. 😊😊

    • #50011
      Tiffany
      Participant

      I am definitely panicking a little. But that is probably normal when you are starting dating again after a long period of time even without abuse. I am not waiting desperately for messages or anything, just wondering what will happen and if I am getting things right.

    • #50470
      Tiffany
      Participant

      So guy one didn’t want to meet again. Went on a second date tonight with another man – oh the wonders of modern technology! Had a much more triggery vibe from him though. Not sure if it is just because he was interested in me and the first guy wasn’t. Doesn’t really matter, as I didn’t feel like I clicked with the second guy and don’t want to date him. Couldn’t identify anything that was a red flag, except that he stood uncomfortably close to me, which I didn’t like. I am still so pleased that I am pushing myself to go out and do this though. Not even because I am looking for a partner. Not at all sure I am ready for that, but just to get back out there and remind myself that not all men are abusive, and also to practice my own boundaries.

    • #50471
      Janedoeissad
      Participant

      This is such a good idea.

      I never thought about using dating for helping the healing and practice using boundaries.

      Glad you are enjoying yourself

    • #50520
      Tiffany
      Participant

      I have no idea if it is a good idea or not. I definitely had to build up quite a lot of resilience first. It would have been crushing and terrifying at first. It still isn’t exactly easy, but I figure with enough practice it will start to feel normal. I think it’s probably import not to go into it looking for self-worth. And to keep your standards high when it comes to pursuing relationships. I am not getting together with just anyone so I am not single. But with it being a rural rural area it is also a good way just to get to know people. And actually I am proud of myself for putting myself out there.

    • #50522
      Janedoeissad
      Participant

      I think you should be very proud of yourself. I think anything which pushes you out of your comfort zone in a controlled way and helps challenge your beliefs (all men are cruel, etc) then it is definitely worth doing.

      I went to a singles evening the other day with a friend (to make sure she was ok, not for me). It wasn’t even supposed to be a place where you find a partner but a place to meet friends as my friend does not have many. I found it quite triggering at some points as some people talked about people they had dated. I know I am definitely not ready for anything like dating yet but I definitely feel in the future I will start.

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