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Hello, I’m new here. (Detail removed by moderator) I went to the police to get help with some ongoing financial abuse and coercive control that has continued since I left my ex partner (detail removed by moderator). I don’t know what I expected. Part of me thought they would tell me to go back to my solicitor and that this was not a police matter. In fact, when I explained just a small part of my story, they had a police officer at my door within an hour. I ended up telling her everything. I told her about (detail removed by moderator) of misery I lived with before breaking free. I now recognise that I am a victim of numerous crimes, some of which continue.
If my ex had been even slightly reasonable after I left, I never would have gone to the police. I was quite prepared to walk away from most of the assets without a fight, even though my financial contribution was enormous. I’ve only asked for things that are indisputably mine (detail removed by moderator) jointly owned house, for which I have always paid, and continue to pay the full mortgage. I just wanted to protect my peace and move on with my life. I realise that I was still acting out of fear and trying to avoid conflict, even at significant personal cost. So far, (detail removed by moderator), I have absolutely nothing and he has everything. I don’t even have the money that is in my sole name. I am haemorrhaging money in his direction every single month. He is banking on me behaving like a doormat and for a while, I was. Not any more. I refuse to allow him to rewrite history. I refuse to live in a world where his version of events is treated as the truth.
I made a pledge to myself that I would enjoy my (detail removed by moderator) and live in peace and freedom. I am keeping my word. I found a new job in a new city. I’ve changed my name. Although my rental is tiny, it’s mine, and every single day I feel gratitude for the peace and freedom I experience living here. I still jump every time I hear a door slam, but I quickly realise that it’s not my door and I am safe.
I am so very close to getting myself completely free from him, and getting enough of my money back to build a new life. This last little bit is proving so much harder than I thought it would, but I will get there x
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Hello, welcome and Thankyou. You are an inspiration to us all here. You have opened up and shared your story, your pain, your fears, commitment to selfless self preservation and then, your new found strength. Seeing the painful realisation of what your life was or would be in exchange for some kind of peace? You highlight so well! How positive actions, finally, bring forth release from stagnant situations and lives filled with fears. Your sharing was a revealling, that when I read your words, brought first… tears of compassion, from feelings of sadness and empathy, anger and injustice. Then relief and elation for you and hope for justice. Hope and justice for all! Good luck to you in your pursuit of justice and a new and happier life, I’m sure you will get there! Stay strong☀️🌻
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I’m currently trying to get my partner to be reasonable and let me buy him out of the house so the children (teenage) and I can stay here but his pettiness to not let me win means that he is insisting we sell the house. I think its because he wants to control again and hopes that if I’m worse off financially then I’ll just suffer but I think I’ve reached a point where I’ve just had enough if being treated so poorly that if me and the children have to downsize to survive then so be it. He doesn’t work and has been living at my expense for (detail removed by moderator) now and sporadically throughout our relationship. He absolutely does not see he is at fault at all. I’ve been reading a lot about n*********s and he does seem very much like one. He has issues, lots of them but I think I’ve accepted that doesn’t excuse treating me so bad. Just trying to hold steady to what I know is right even when it feels so hard.
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Hey tiredofitall, I take it you have a joint mortgage? Have you had a free 30 min consultation with a solicitor? You may find it helpful and you may find you have more rights than you know. Also, Rights for Woman offer free legal advice (their number can be Googled).
Abusers are not capable of being reasonable, they lie, manipulate and act. Do not trust a word he says, if he thinks you are leaving he will do anything to try and stop you and buy more time where he is.
Keep posting ❤ -
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If you Google free 30 min/Domestic Abuse solicitors in your area, also my local Citizens Advise was helpful (I emailed then and gave a brief outline of the Domestic Abuse I had suffered over the years) so might be worth an email for you?.. my GP was also really helpful and put me on a course for PTSD (I also did the Freedom Programme via my DA worker) have you contacted your GP?…
Reach out as much as you can, accept all help/support… my ex stopped all money (he financially controlled me for decades) after a few months separated, I am now poor but free and happier and can manage what money we do have. You will get stronger and stronger in time ❤ try and not to waste too much mental space on your ex, he wants you to be thinking about him xx
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Well done for finally doing the best thing for you. It has given me a little bit of a boost to try and get my situation more under control. I am in a situation where myself & my husband bought a house together (detail removed by moderator), and had a child together. My name was not added to the mortgage (detail removed by moderator), but the agreement was that I would be added to both the mortgage and the deed (detail removed by moderator). To this day, this has never been done. My husband has taken it upon himself that its now (detail removed by moderator). I have also just found out that he has changed his Will (detail removed by moderator) If it wasn’t for me, he would have not had a house, and (detail removed by moderator) when I met him. I had already lost my previous home, due to me splitting from my ex, and I stupidly trusted my present husband. I feel so pathetic and stupid for believing in him. He had been messed over by his ex, as did I with mine, and when we got together, (detail removed by moderator) and low and behold, he’s done exactly that under my nose. I’ll never learn will I? He has taken control of our finances, and I have to ask if I can buy anything, and tell him how much it costs etc. He hates my eldest children, and now one of them has their own children, I am not allowed to buy anything for them. He has hurt me both mentally and physically over the (detail removed by moderator) and although the physical side has diminished slightly, the mental and financial side is in overdrive. I am completely at a loss as to where I stand now he has changed his Will, and to be honest, I am at an all-time low.
I am so very happy for you and you are an inspiration. I hope I manage to get where you are in the near future.
Take care.
Littlered xx -
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It was hard for me to have to walk away from regaining my financial losses so many years ago. I was on the brink of homelessness and am thankful that I had just about enough money at the time to relocate. I had to start all over again in my (detail removed by Moderator) at the time and couldn’t find secure employment due to racism, and at times got so low that I wanted to commit suicide. I do believe that the harshest form of abuse is financial and making someone go through inflicted cruel poverty is worse than other forms of abuse. I now watch everything I spend my money on not due to fear of further abuse, but so that I DON’T HAVE TO RELY ON ANOTHER ABUSER CONTROLLING ME. I am in control now and if I want a fancy meal I can have one! I wish I could scream that from the tops of mountains.
Take good care of yourself and you will get there in your own time, Weather.
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My ex is living in my house, I paid for the house but of course put him on the deed’s. He has my business, it’s small but hell I worked so hard to build it up, and because I left, no option he threw me out and bolted the doors I took this as my opportunity to walk away. I now potentially will lose everything.
It feels so unfair, I just want to sell the house and move on and have agreed to him having half of the proceeds, the price of peace. He is however stalling of course so I give up and go back.
I have managed to secure a rental property near my home soon, but I am in limbo staying with family, haemorrhaging money and feeling humiliated, sad and bit lost.
I feel very inspired and less alone when I see the comments on here, sadly so many similar story’s.
Stay Strong -
Thank you for sharing your post. I am embarking on a similar journey (noting this is an over 50’s thread and I have been married to my husband for (detail removed by Moderator) years) Every asset I have is joint. I have had to flee the family home, but he is still living there. There is police involvement as my husband has been arrested for stalking and harassment but, like you, I have no means of financial support for the here and now as I am a long way off getting a divorce finalised and I am lost what to do in the meantime. My husband and I also worked together, so I have had to abandon that too so have no means of independent income. Even that I see now as basically an unpaid secretarial role and I just don’t know how I even got to this.
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