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I’m (detail removed by Moderator) weeks pregnant today. I left my emotionally abusive partner in (detail removed by Moderator) to go live back home with my family ((detail removed by Moderator) miles away). I returned back to our house and him (detail removed by Moderator) to give things another go. He’s been a bit better but still been horrible to me/called me a c***/said things like that he didn’t want me back anyway etc and other things when we’ve disagreed about something. I’ve always been so close to my parents but I’ve broke their hearts by returning back to him and they’ve text me since coming back saying that they think we need some distance and not to message them as much so they can try and get on with it. They said they’ll never forgive him or me either really for what they have gone through.
I feel so alone, I understand why they are distancing themselves but it just makes me feel even worse. I want to be able to just turn round and say to him that I’m going again because my family mean more to me than him and how he treats me, but I love him aswell and I don’t want to upset him anymore. It’s just so sad that this is my first baby and I’ve mentally had the worst time of my life since finding out I was pregnant, since him telling me initially I should have an abortion, I’ll never be able to get this time back, and I’ll always have to look back on it as the worst time of my life. I’m so tired and low and want the best for my baby but I’m exhausted and don’t know what to do anymore. -
This is incredible sad. Your parents are obviously distraught and are trying to protect themselves by asking for distance. What they don’t know they can’t feel.
But you need your parents and your parents must be educated on controlling abusive relationships.Maybe you went back because you still hold a fantasy that he will be better. But he won’t and it’s going to get worse when your baby arrives.
If you can find the strength pack your bags and leave him now and promise yourself you will never go back. Don’t even tell him your going.
Can you call woman’s aid? I know it’s scary but think of your unborn child.
You can do this. Stay safe the healing starts when you leave him.
Keep us updated and if you do decide to stay continuevto talk to us here. We understand x -
Hello there.
Some of the best people went to refuge when they were pregnant and gave birth in less than prefect circumstances because they had to leave their physical homes.One of their names was Mary. If you know what I mean…Suggest that it is not too late to leave for refuge at all. My babes grandma used to say that you don’t need much to have a baby, apart from love, food, clothing and yourself. Please remember that if you collect the bravery to leave again I’m certain that you will receive special support…(please get in touch with women’s aid)..
Everyone, inlucding midwives should have a sense of special support needed in your circumstances. I personally would not have wanted to go to relatives when I left. With the best will in the world – it is difficult for them to understand where you are coming from. But refuge workers do, and quite definitely did. I knew at least one woman who had given birth in refuge – and some with very young ones.
There is a good chance then that you could apply for your housing in time. Which it would be better for you to start your own little, lovely family. I am sure you will get lots of help. I don’t know where you are, but in spirit I do – I feel as all ladies on here do. Please keep posting. If you have to phone the police, tell them you are so pregnant and need female police officers, get advice from WA but speaking to specialist officers – I’m sure they will help you get out, picking you up if need be.
Good luck and strength. International Women’s Day on Friday. A good day to leave?
all best
ftc
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Thankyou For your message Teabag. My Mum and Dad, especially my Mum, is quite educated on abusive relationships and things due to her work. And so far they’ve been extremely supportive. They supported me in leaving initially, came and got all my stuff and I left my partner a letter. They said there will always be a place back at home if I want it, but they can’t support my relationship and the man the I’m with and they’re ashamed of me because I’m putting up with his behaviour and he also says some horrible things about them. I truly am disgusted and ashamed of myself because me and my parents were always so close before and even for the first year of my relationship but then I finished uni and bought a house with my partner in his hometown.
I didn’t tell him I was leaving the first time, and now all his family and friends all think what I did to him was really horrible and it’s like he’s the victim but they don’t understand what goes on with him at home.
It’s so frustrating because I do keep thinking I should just pack my bags again and drive home, but I have all these pregnancy appointments planned and I feel so bad messing about all the professionals. And I’m also scared because he’s threatened to get custody of our baby in the past, which I know the chances are slim but I just don’t know what’s he capable of anymore, he can obviously make people believe that I’m this horrible person so he might do the same to social care or something.
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I can see a way out here the main thing your coming up against as FTC said is that your family dont have a full knowledge of how DV works. If I were in your position id get your mum to look up trauma bonding. Whats happened recently has caused your trauma bond to him to get stronger – because hes conditioned you (probably with the push and pull effect) the trauma bond tightens when you loose your support sysyem – he becomes your world. It sounds like ur parents re educated but maybe they dont have this knowledge? Id go home – sort out your anti-natal care there – get some trauma counselling and go no contact with him. Then in time when your strong document all of this get the right authorities behind you incase he goes for child custody. Dont put him on the birth certificate (please dont) id have womens aid in the backgorund as from today to be honest.
This is what i would do personally xx i hope your ok much luv diymum xx
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Would also like to reinforce the most important thing. As DIY mum says, don’t don’t don’t put him on the birth certificate, no matter how much you are tempted.
As far as relatives are concerned, yes, I’m aware that people who have jobs e.t.c in the medical or care professions are supposed to have knowledge of D.V. as yours are supposed to do.
However and but, and it is a BIG but – if it happens to a family member it is a different ball game whatsoever, your buttons get pushed and you are not always aware of it.
Sorry if this adds to confusion, but that is why my vote would not to go to family. As you would be wrapped up their agendas. Which – and it is so easy to say – and so hard for you to deal with…
However whatever you decide we are there for you
all best
ftc
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Thankyou all for your support. I’m so confused as to why I came back in the first place. I feel so stupid, like he shows he doesn’t really care about me and things but it’s as if once I left, I was lost without him, he didn’t really contact me which made me seek out contact from him even more, I feel so silly. And I feel like such a terrible person because he says he’s sick of being messed about. Like if I feel down and he probes me to find out what’s wrong and I say that I’m missing my mum and dad and everything, he just gets mad and tells me to go back to them then. I just feel so pathetic.
With the birth certificate, people have mentioned that to me, not putting him on it, but is that not really wrong of me, excluding him like that? We’ve disagreed on name for baby and everything anyway. He gets mad because I want to double barrell the baby’s last name rather than just have his, as he said the baby should have the fathers last name.
As for my parents, I thought we’d stay strong no matter what, and I know that’s really selfish of me after everything I’ve put them through, but I just don’t want him to think I’ve lost them and only got him.
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its because your trauma bonded to him this is when you become emotionally bonded to a toxic person its a very difficult bond to break without help. your not pathetic weve all felt this its natural. id call womens aid to get some advice maybe refuge is the best option, i know your family will come round they love you xx i went through a very long custody battle – my daughters father was on the birth certificate so he has rights – he used child contact to continue the abuse this is what they do when we leave. You will be giving him amunition – its time to think about whats best for you and the baby. It is imposible to reason or get an abuser to stop what theyre doing. these men use coersion to get what they want its all very same these men operate in very similar ways xx gain some knowledge and support from womens aid xx you can do this once hes out of your life you will see things more clearly xx
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I feel on the scale of it, it is not wrong not to put his name on certificate.
Also, please don’t double-barrel the name.
The child should have your name only. You are entitled to choose this.
Believe me, it will save a great deal of issues later on – as they grow and at school and so on, as it will be clear you are their mum, and no one will question the name.
I speak from experience on this one.
all best
ftc
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