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I have broke all over again. Feel like it’s my own fault. I always end up going back to one of my abusers I thought I was past it. I guess I’m not it’s like it’s normal for a man to cause me pain and hurt me. I literally have not slept or stopped crying since. How can I let another persons comments break me. The worst part is I still love him I tell him I hate him even though that’s not true. Everyday I thought about him and when I give in to him he just hurts me. I really don’t understand what I did so wrong. Everyone I seem to love breaks me. Maybe I should just not love at all.
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None of this abuse is your fault. We get stuck in a cycle of abuse where we crave their attention and the honeymoon phase when they make it all better but we forget it’s them that cause our pain in the first place. It’s like they push us off a cliff then run down to save us. It’s crazy making behaviour and the only escape for us is zero contact. If you can stay zero contact then eventually everything will make sense and your withdrawal from this toxic addiction will be over. Are you getting support from women’s aid?
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I am so scared of what it is doing to me I actually wish I never called him. I broke down in front of my family today as I can not cope with all the pain and hurt. I don’t have any support doing this on my own didn’t want to burden my friends and family with my problems as before when I did they never understood anything. Feel like is it my fault did I push him because of the comment I made about other guys. I was just so annoyed with everything that he put me through. I love him so much just can not take the pain. The time I was without him I was getting better and did not let my emotions take over. Speaking to him again made my emotions come out literally have not stopped being sick since can’t even eat. I just want to be happy again. Even if that is having slight happiness and feeling okay without him. As being with him always made me paranoid and speaking to him seems as though nothing has changed there. I just can not take the hurt anymore and I am so scared of my future all these problems just never stop.
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You’re a victim of abuse and everything is muddled. Reality is muddled. All this is normal. I felt like you did. Women’s Aid were a great support and explained the dynamics of abuse. No amount of loving him will make him stop abusing you. In fact he uses the fact that you love him to wield control. Love doesn’t hurt or destroy us. It’s trauma bonding you feel. Which is stronger than love. In reality we cannot love someone who is trying to destroy us. I can see clearly now I’ve had time and zero contact. You will get through this but you need help from someone who understands. Keep posting and ring the helpline on here to talk it through x
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Thank you so much 🙂
I will do my best definitely doing the zero contact again as I do not want to keep feeling this way. I was beginning to get better and this one time has made me worse I feel even lower than before. Just wish I had the strength to just let go and feel no pain or hurt. I feel I have to go away again sometime to reflect on everything and just get away. I hope I make the right choice and not fall back in to his arms I know how unhealthy he is for me. As I can tell by the impact of me being sick all night and feeling so low today. I have done it before I just need to do it again.
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