I wish I have never give statement to police :(

[MilkTray]

I don’t know where to start.
I feel so emotionally exhausted. I’m having a really struggling to adapt after leaving him.

Long story short: after several years of relationship: being gaslighted, cheated, lied etc. I dropped all my boundaries, moved in with him to a (detail removed by moderator) and lost my old friends, and he pretty much controlled all my relationships. It was His friends, wives of his pals, if I made new friends he found reason to separate me from them. Only one stayed that helped me through this sh**t. I put up with soo much, being away and spending most nights alone made me the most miserable person, I lost confidence, I lost self-esteem, I lost people around.
I have an amazing degree, I had a good job, and good life before him; I stupidly fell for his looks and the personality he has made up. He has a major drinking problem etc.
The night he assaulted me I will never forget. Bruises have gone now, but the internal emotional ones are very very sore. He was aggressive after booze before, he was pushing, shoving, breaking my stuff, – I had nowhere to go as I gave up my home, and he got me into pretty bad finances since he was always in debt. He was living a separate lavish life spending a fortune on his affairs.

I left the night of the assault. I went to the hospital and the next day I had police knocking the door and I ended up giving statements. They told me I will get help and everything will be ok…. What a lie!!

Since giving the statement I was left on my own. Things turn the opposite way, I feel like now I am being even punished more. I have barely any contact with the police. They keep saying they will contact me update me, and they keep ‘forgeting” apologise text that they will call and nothing since. I left home with nothing and just my 2 pets.
There is no help if you have pets unless you agree to rehome them. There is no help if you not on benefits, there is no help if you don’t have any previous mental health problems.
Like they expect that all abused people are on benefits, with no pets, with kids and having already mental health problems.
I was lucky I had that one friend who helped me and drove me to places, otherwise I would be forced to go back, I was given numbers to call and each phone call I was referred further and further, I was dumped from call to call ad after a week I got nothing- if anything a bad emotional state even more. I begged for emotional support to only harshly hear to call someone else and given new numbers. I was left in tears and broken absolutely broken.
I found house to rent myself, with absolutely nothing on me, bought everything on my last credit cards and got myself in debts with overdraft. he has my all (detail removed by moderator), I couldn’t work, I lost everyone around me.
I was put on list for therapy and it gone nothing with it at all. I have ZERO support, I’m in debts and I’m edge absolutely edge and he just goes holidays and parties and I guess sold half of my stuff at its stage. He was bailed but he keeps contacting me and police just ignore it.

I should never ever give statements. I should have just packed my bags, and left to a new apartment. because now I gave statement he wont give my stuff in revenge and police says its civil matter and nothing to do with them.

I’m soo disappointed it’s unreal. There should be solutions, emergency therapy, emergency support etc. I’m absolutely not surprised women don’t want to give statements, only why is everyone blamng them for it? this is absolutely surreal.

If not down to that one friend I honestly don’t think i would be where i am. If I would be relaying on that promise of the police I would be homeless with rehomed pets, and beg for food on streets. Cosidering many women are in similar position , being completely on the own this is terrifying how little help is there and how everything is just ”just call this number” and everyone push you to another number. They treat you as number, i was just a number. When you isolated you have no one around, and you have nothing – no savings nothing!

I really needed that vent.

[KIP.]

Your story is not an isolated one. You must be so strong to get this far with limited help. Did you contact victim support and your local womens aid? I found those organisations the best help and I made more than one complaint about the police to get them to act. Breaching bail is a criminal offence and should be treated as such. Sadly I found that I had to shout loudly and gather a support network around me. You might want to consider a non molestation order. The national domestic abuse helpline are a good source of help too x

[Twisted Sister]

Hi MilkTray

sorry for your awful experiences, so sorry and glad you found here to at least vent that, where it can be heard and understood by others who have faced the same awful circumstances as you have.

I also believe that there is inherent risk by reporting things, because the services inevitably will fail some, and those are then put at such increased risk of everything, escalating abuse, financial instability and risk of debt, homelessness, isolation…oh the list is endless of the affects of any of the services failing women in abuse, let alone the children who get caught in it also.

Well done for venting and I hope you can find support here, if you can’t find it elsewhere, and yes, at least you have that one friend who was in a position to help in some ways, many don’t even have that, but your story is not a strange or alien one, surreal yes, but not uncommon, as services become more stretched with each new advent in the world of new viruses, war, increasing inflation, and refugees fleeing their own countries to come here. I’m not sure how widespread the view is that of our own UK refugees already fleeing risk in this country. The money and the support does not flood in without the huge media coverage that something like war brings, but the domestic abuse situation is also a crisis, just under the radar of the media mostly, it doesn’t make huge headlines or hit the national news daily.

However, there also are many genuine and dedicated women and agencies trying to help any women in your/our situations. There are not enough of them to go around though so women have to fight harder, from a position of vulnerability, in order to get through to them, to secure support.

Each county though, has to have a domestic abuse service to help you. That domestic abuse service should be allocating you to a domestic abuse worker, who should be helping you with all the resulting affects of abuse on you, like the financial instability, and for your own well-being and recovery.

Do keep talking to us on here, and pouring out your thoughts and questions. You will get support here, and can maybe find new sources of support if you are still going to try to fight to get through to them. Sending you the strength to keep taking those steps, I know its sometimes too hard, and not something you have strength for every day. Take it one day at a time, and do what you can on a day that you can, and the rest just look after yourself, prioritise what you need day by day.

warmest wishes
ts

[Anonymous]

My ex breached bail twice in 24 hours and they just let him go I was sure he would get some time , breached restraining order and it’s same story again, they hold em for few hours , let em go , I think they take his situation in account being on benefits, drunk , living in one room , I don’t see why these things should matter ? He seems to get away with everything. I think it’s disgusting how victims are not supported and treated as though they were the criminals and people like my ex continue to get away with this behaviour as there is no consequences.

[Twisted Sister]

I hear you too Duchess, its shocking how little action /consequences there are against criminal offending. I am sorry that you’ve experienced that. Its invaluable that we have here to at least vent and feel not so alone with it, that others also experience these highly invalidating responses to our reports and cries for help. x

[Twisted Sister]

also, on this specifically:

There is no help if you have pets unless you agree to rehome them. There is no help if you not on benefits, there is no help if you don’t have any previous mental health problems.
Like they expect that all abused people are on benefits, with no pets, with kids and having already mental health problems.

I knew many in Refuge who did have pets, did not have previous mental health problems, had no children, not on benefits, etc.

They had single women’s rooms in a house, they got help and resources to foster out their pets temporarily, and didn’t necessarily have pre-existing mental health conditions, it was the abuse that was the common denominator and all of those things you listed were taken on by the key workers to ensure that each woman did get the right benefits put in place, find pet-fostering, and so on.

I do hear you though. xx

[brokenheartedgirl1234]

Hi Milktray, keep logs and evidence for each time he breaks his bail conditions.
then show this to the police dial 111 and say you are bei g harassed.
dont regret giving your statement, i fely like this too!
maybe there are some charities which can help.. i suggest trying to get a IDVA (independent domestic violence advocate) it will take 6-8 weeks but this person can literally help your case and push forward things with the police as well as check up on you.
if you are feeling sad please do a self refferal to talking therapies every borough has this and its free they offer CBT and if they dont think this is appropriate they will refer u to secondary MH care.

your post is very true tho everyone tells us to leave and report but no one is there for us in the end.
focus on the friend that is there for u and try joining the freedom programme u will meet other dv survivors and maybe feel less alone cus they have been through the same thing.

i am sorry you went through all that and in this holy month of ramadan i will pray for god to make things easier for you and grant you ease.

[brokenheartedgirl1234]

not 111 sorry thats the nhs line 101 is the number to call best wishes and lots of love x*x

[brokenheartedgirl1234]

also you can get an IDVA from victims support.. out of every charity victims support was the most helpful hands down!

[Grey Rock]

Hiya. I could have written your post 2 years ago. The council put me off of applying for a flat and it felt like every avenue was blocked and police support seemed minimal at best. Women’s Aid were great though. They supported me in police contact and housing application and I now have a little council flat (took a year to get though). I also got some financial support through trust applications linked to my profession. You can search for the ones you can apply for through a website that I can’t remember the name of right now but will add to this thread later when I’m more awake and have remembered. Please do contact Women’s Aid though. And the Freedom Program was a game changer for me, and that isn’t means tested.

Things will get better. It just takes time.

Sending prayers your way today.

GR xxxx

[Grey Rock]

I can’t post the link on here, but the website is turn2us. If you Google that along with ‘grants search’ hopefully it’ll come up. I’ve sent the actual link on a private message too.

It took me a while to get help and the application process seemed a little intrusive, but in the end there was a grant available for me to furnish and carpet the little flat I got through the council.

GR xx

[Author]

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