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Hi
I just need to vent. I’ve been a survivor for (detail removed by moderator). I left to give my children a better life. Here I am in a position were the kids father has hit the children with a slipper. I took the concern to school who helped me with reporting it. Child services tried contacting the ex to no avail he then hit my eldest across the ear 6 weeks later. This again reported we have been assigned a social worker who suspended contact until it could be supervised he then wanted Beck ground of the domestic abuse. I told him what I could as its taken a few years of counselling to put it in a box I reiterated he still trys to control me and intimidates me. A child in need meeting has been arranged where I can have a support worker from my local WA to come in with me and the ex will be there. My outreach worker has sorted it for separate meetings but I feel I’m left behind all the time. The social worker is constantly in touch with the ex and working with the children but all he’s done for me is dredge up the history. All my fears are back now because I think the social worker doesn’t believe me because the ex came across well when they met. Why am I still here I’m so fed up of not being able to be free of him. I feel like he sit has the strings I just live in a different house 😢Sorry its waffle and sorry if it bores you all I just needed to vent
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That’s quite outrageous and I feel sorry for you. As you know these men don’t change and no it’s not boring. It must be frightening for you. Women’s aid were fantastic help to me. Contact is now suspended until supervised contact can be arranged. This is a good thing. The next step is keeping him out your life. Separate meetings should be on separate days. Why does he have to know where you will be at a given time. I would strongly object to this and I’m surprised your women’s aid worker hasn’t raised this. You do not need to have contact with him. Contact with the children if it is allowed can be done at a contact centre. Keeping him out your life empowers you. Use this opportunity to get your point accross including the intrusive questioning of the past domestic abuse. Maybe it’s a good thing all the attention is on him? He’s the one with the problem. Take some deep breaths. You’re doing fantastic for you and your kids x when you’re going through hell, just keep going.
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i know just when you think youve gotten rid bamm theyre back picking away at you through child contact. i know it feels like theyre spending loads of time looking into this and questioning him. youll be worried he is able to manipulate them i guess. id writ down all the tactics that he used with you – things like gas lighting and examples,intimidation and threats id imagine maybe black mail emotional stiff to make you submit through feeling embaressment or even shame? this is what they do and he will use the same tactics as he used on you. id make them aware that in this senario this type of man will try an out and out smear campaign at you. be prepared get all your evidence together, dont minimise and dont be scared to tell them everything xx much love diymum
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Contact is back on and supervised my his mother. My youngest hates the social worker for putting grandma in charge because she won’t let him do anything she says no and it’s not fair (his words). If feel really rubbish at the minute barely sleeping her I am at 5.30 wide awake. My eldest seems to be picking up some of his trates now which scares me. I want to just pack up and disappear but then I’m isolated from my friends and family. I’m in a right pickle with myself I want to live and not just be a mear existence. My children are saying that they don’t know who is telling them the truth because dad tells them I lie and always have lots of boyfriends. I didn’t sign up to this and i don’t think some of my friends understand how draining it is. I feel like I’ve been released from prison on license if that makes sense. He believes that he has the right to know where his children are at all times so he knows his children are safe because they are his children
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Zero contact with your abuser is how you move on and take back a little control. He has no right to contact you directly and any rubbish he tells the children you just simply say it’s not true and ignore him totally. Why are you isolated from friends and family. Is it possible to get back in touch or speak to women’s aid for support? I understand how draining and how worrying it is when your child shows signs of abuse. My son did this. I think he thought he could take over the role his father left. Needs ended before it begins either by you or get the social worker to speak to them. Keep posting for support. The lack of sleep thing is a bummer too. Make sure you’re eating and drinking and finding time for yourself. Any tiny thing that you can get joy from. A bubble bath, small flowers round the house, a bar of choc or 20 minutes in a small cafe with a favourite drink. Try to make the time, keep going x
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Hi notagain,
Won’t the social worker take into consideration what your children tell him. Also contact should be about maintaining a relationship with the child and not playing mind games with the kids. Obviously, grandma’s going to overlook abusive behaviour from their father. He will also try to make the kids make life difficult for you in place of him. Is contact court ordered? Surely the children telling the social worker that they were hit would make the social worker think twice about contact?
Mine could never physically hurt my kids while he was with me because it was the only thing I would draw the line at. The social worker would not allow unsupervised contact and she told me that she was going to tell him to go to court because none of my kids had any overwhelming desire to see him. Perhaps suggesting contact at a contact centre to your social worker would help. Their father would have to pay for contact but the centre workers would be unbiased and put the kids first.
Also, you’re not rambling or boring. What you have to say matters. Don’t think you shouldn’t be heard. You’re worried about your children, so the social worker has to listen. Children can be manipulated and controlled. The children should tell the social what he says about you. It can have a damaging affect on children when someone makes comments about their mother.Don’t worry too much though. It’s just another hurdle you have to jump but eventually the kids will see through him.
Lots of hugs your way x
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Hi notagain,
I just wanted to add some support to you too. It sounds like you are doing fantastically well. Sadly here on the forum we know too well that abusive men will use child contact as a way to maintain the abuse long after the relationship has ended. I am pleased that you have support from your local Women’s Aid group and that your outreach worker has been helpful but you can always speak to the NSPCC if you want another opinion and some support plus keep documenting everything down with the school and in a little book where you can keep writing down the things the children say to you. I am wondering if Rights of Women could help you too, they have a fantastic website http://www.row.org.uk so perhaps have a look and Coram Children’s Legal Centre too, http://www.coram.org.uk
You are doing really well and I hope you are having a relaxing weekend.
Kind regards,
Lisa
Forum Moderator -
Iamme,
The contact is ordered and the social worker suspended contact after the first visit with me and the boys. When asked to scale how happy they are to go one say 5 and the other said zero. This shocked me because they both see to want to go.
I know I am discussed in front of them or with them as my eldest said he doesn’t know who to believe. I’ve told him it’s something he needs to figure out himself unfortunately. (I will not talk about dad with the boys as they love him and don’t need it).
I don’t understand why anyone would want their children to suffer like this. (detail removed by moderator)Thank you Lisa I have spoken with NSPCC in the past and young minds. I will have a look at the 2 Web pages.
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