I wished my ex dead

[I am better than this]

After a traumatic few weeks, I’ve truly had enough. I told my ex I had cancer, over the phone and explained to him I needed to have no more stress from him. That I needed to concentrate on fighting cancer. I told him that I couldn’t cope with him taking our pre school son to play happy families with the woman he cheated on me to be with. The same woman who deliberately set out to destroy our sons home life, along with my ex, is the same woman who now smiles sweetly at our son without a care in the world. It kills me every access day. He promised me he wouldn’t do that anymore, that he would keep his access day just for our son. That he would stop causing stress for me so I could get well.
Then the first time he takes our son out after that talk…..he goes out with her and doesn’t bat an eyelid.
I am so angry, that he has proven how little he thinks of me. The mother of his first born. Who does that? He is seriously vile. I sat there today and told my adult daughter how I wished he would just drop dead!! That I hated him with every part of me. She was shocked to hear me say it but completely understood why I had. I’m not even ashamed.
I have never wished that of anyone…..not even the man who raped me when I was at secondary school.
I believe my ex is a total n**********c psychopath and he will completely ruin our son. And he won’t care one bit because he won’t ever take responsibility for anything he does. He’s incapable of feeling…..period!!
I am so desperately cornered right now…just as he likes it no doubt. He’s an evil twisted thing.

[Serenity]

Hi I am Better Than This,

Firstly, I am so sorry about your health issues.

I know exactly how you feel. These men can even appear to the public be doing nothing wrong and just building a relationship ship with their kids- but sadly we know the truth of what they are capable of.

Don’t feel guilty about saying you wish him dead. You are entitled to feel angry. This vile man is ignoring your requests ( even though he seemed to agree to it) despite you being so ill, as if to show you he’s in charge.

You need to concentrate on getting well and saving your energy for this. There is a sense where the more your child sees your ex, the more they will realise who he is. Is he abusive to your child? your ex is- like mine- perfectly aware that he is upsetting you but feigning ignorance. Let him play his stupid games.

Concentrate on the bond between you and your child. The silly games he plays doesn’t take away your importance, your power as a parent. He thinks he can upset you because you are vulnerable ( ill). For him to be so cruel when you are seriously ill shows what a sick character he is. Focus on your own health and your role as a mum. Be the mum you want to be, make the rules you want made in your own house, enjoy the things you want to with your child. Build your relationship with your child.

I know it hurts your ex behaving like he is. He’s just an arrogant and unkind man and he is probably using the child to look good in front of this new woman. Keep strong, log things, take one day at a time.

Believe that your understanding of who he is means that you can beat him at any game he chooses to play.

[KIP.]

How awful for you. I’m sorry that you are fighting cancer and this monster too and you are right that you need to be as free of stress as possible. I’m sorry you’ve come to the realisation that he just doesn’t care about you and your welfare. I believe these abusers never really do. It’s a very hard thing to accept but you can use that anger to protect yourself from further hurt. I would make plans to go total no contact. Your ex can pick up his son from a third party. Perhaps your adult daughter. You can have a contact book if need be. Don’t allow him any contact with you whatsoever. Any. Calls or emails can be done through your daughter too. Contact is how they manage to cause further pain and mind games. It also empowered me to go no contact. To take back control and it was my way of telling him he’s no longer welcome in my life. He doesn’t deserve any contact. It was scarey at first but it truely saved my sanity.

[Author]

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