I won’t say sorry anymore..I don’t mean it

[TiredZiggy]

I’ve posted on here before about my husband and the way he keeps telling me to stop talking when we’re arguing. He can become very verbally abusive during an argument which I’ve also posted on. We had another argument over an issue a couple of days ago. He attacked my personality in front of our kids. I told him to stop speaking to be aggressively and he again just tried to shut me down. He apologised later by text, which to me is weird seeing as we live together. He’s barley speaking to me now. He says I never apologize. He’s right actually, I don’t apologised ANYMORE…I used to for everything that wasn’t my fault and he never did. But now he’s saying I’m abusive because I won’t apologize to him. I refuse to apologize when I feel I’ve done nothing wrong…or Im not actually sorry. Ive told him I actually don’t want apologies off of him…I really dont. All I want from him is to be nice in the first place. What’s the point in saying sorry if you never change? I feel he uses apologies as a weapon of control. Is there something wrong with me for not apologizing anymore? There’s times when I have actually insulted him because he’s called me every name under the sun or done something so incredibly hurtful..and guess what? I meant every word of the things I said and I’m not sorry….is there something wrong with me?

[Lisa]

Hi TiredZiggy,

There’s nothing wrong with you. You don’t have to apologise for things that aren’t your fault, or things you haven’t done wrong, or even if you just don’t feel sorry. You shouldn’t be forced into an insincere apology that isn’t true to yourself. You’re also completely right in questioning his apologies when they’re followed up with no attempts to change or avoid the behaviour that he’s apologising for. It can be very powerful to focus on what someone does rather than what they say.

Take care and keep posting,
Lisa

[Sad and alone]

Ah gosh I get that, I often apologise for something just to try and get passed whatever is happening. He’ll have said all sorts of things and I’ll retaliate in the end and then I’m the one saying sorry. Because in a way I do feel bad for saying some things. Although it also feels like I mean them. But even though when I say sorry, it’s my fault, it sounds so insincere but he accepts it like I mean it.
He doesn’t apologise anymore for things he says. He believes they’re true and if I don’t want him to say them (I’m a moron, or pathetic, or stupid etc) I need to change and prove him wrong. But before when he did used to apologise I would say they same as you. I don’t want your apology, just don’t say/do things in the first place. Very frustrating.

[Author]

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