I would just like someone to talk to

[songbird1]

Okay so this is really out of my comfort zone as I’m a really private person (probably conditioned to be) so I’ll just give a brief idea of my situation. I’ve been with my partner for (detail removed by moderator), we started dating just before my (detail removed by moderator). We started off hanging round together with our friends and gradually it was just us, which is normal, but over time (I didn’t notice at the time) I gradually lost touch with my friends. He would call them s***s or similar and say they weren’t good for me or that he didn’t like them etc, there was always a reason. So it would be difficult to see them. Then the physical abuse, I don’t really know when it started to be honest, his temper is out of this world and he gets so mad so quick, but I’ve never been one to take any rubbish so I would get angry back, we would row horrible and a few times he would get so angry and slap me hard and leave little bruises on my face. Once I found him looking at girls profiles and I confronted him, he got really mad and we had a fight, I ended up on the floor and all he could worry about was the police coming if the neighbours heard. The physical abuse has stopped now and its been ages since he hit me. I talk openly with him about it and the fact it’s abuse and he always says stuff like its not abuse, I’m not beating you up am I and stuff like that, because it’s only ever a slap not a fist punch, as if that makes it any better. There’s also a massive history of abuse in his family and he told me recently that his dad smacked the s**t out of his mum, and that she’d still stay with him, I guess in a way trying to tell me what goes on between us is nothing and if I’m loyal I’d stay. I really miss having friends, every time I see friendships I could of had my heart aches and now my old friends seem to ignore me or be wary when I try and re-connect which I can’t blame them for but I feel like if they knew maybe they’d understand. I haven’t spoken to most of them for over (detail removed by moderator) and it seems impossible to go back now. I love my partner in a way I can’t even describe but I know the relationship we’re in is not normal and I don’t know what to do about it. Please someone help me and if you feel like your situation is or was the same I’d love to message with you and maybe feel more normal. Thanks guys.

 

[Lottieblue]

Hi Songbird,
Well done for taking the first step of coming on here. It’s a really brave thing to do but a really important one too. There will be loads of people along to share their advice with you – I’m not great at giving advice at the moment but there are lots on the forum who are. It really is the best place to come, just to share.
In the meantime, do have a look around the different conversations that are going on – click through the pages, too – and you will see that you are very much not alone. Different people have different experiences – some are married some are not, some have kids, others don’t. Sometimes the abuse is not physical, sometimes it’s not. But I can guarantee that you will find at least one other person whose story is the same as yours.
Soon, someone will come along who will be able to give you the advice you need to try to start turning your life around – which you will be able to do.
Take care xx

[ineedsomeadviseplease]

Hi Songbird

I hope you are keeping well.

We are here to talk if you need. I’ve been reading a lot about n**********c abuse. You seem to me from what you wrote as someone that was surrounded by friend and a really empathic person.

I think that a slap and a big fight are the same. Both are extremely problematic and I understand that he can say all the issues he had in the past,’but abuse is a choice the abuser makes. It is NOT your fault and you are not to blame.

I was in a violent relationship in the past and he hurt me once in front of my best friend. I stayed until he left me and took our house and all of our things. I think you need to trust your feelings.
If your heart is telling you to leave and move on, do it. I think we all understand what’s like to love someone that’s capable of hurting us badly, but if you read the forum you will also see that we all know by looking at someone else’s situation that we deserve true love, true caring and healthy relationships

[songbird1]

Thank you for your replies, it’s so hard to know what to do because as I’m sure you guys know, he can be so charming and I do love him. I keep thinking about leaving the relationship, we are engaged, but each time I try to think about it I have so many thoughts in my head, what if I’m over reacting and I could actually have the nice life we’d planned? A house, kids. And I know this seems shallow but I’m scared of what my friends, well old friends, will think. I’ve beeb so fiercly protective over him for so long, against work colleagues, family and I get the sense people kind of suspect he’s controlling and I just feel like I’d be proving them all right. I keep thinking that if I work hard enough then it will be ok. And then sonething happens, like he has a really bad attitude or ignores me all day and then I think no, it would be impossible to have all of that with him and I’m back to square one, constantly fighting with myself. He also relies on me financially and its a big drain on me, one of the things that causes a lot of problems because he’s lazy I feel, he has a lot of obstacles in his way but hes made those himself and I find it harder and harder to feel sorry for him as the time goes on. Another tthing is he uses our religion sometimes to manipulate me and control me, sorry if I’m rambling on I’m just typing my thoughts. Sonetimes if I won’t ve intimate with him, becayse I just don’t feel in the mood most of the time because of the way he is, he then gets in a mood with me and says I’m not meeting his needs, and that in our religion its a womans job and she’ll get punishment for it, also uses the same manipulation to tell me that if a woman isn’t abidding to her husband and she deserves it, its okay for a husband to smack his wife. Now I’m new to the religion and I know that’s wrong and it makes me so angry that he is tarnishing an already widely criticized religion. Yet I still have a weird love for him, as if we just go together regardless of the c**p, we can easily make up but mostly it depends on how he feels. I really don’t know what to do.

[ineedsomeadviseplease]

It’s difficult and you don’t need to think we see this as shallow. It is not. Your dreams and feelings are valuable

I’ve been reading a lot of books about n**********c abuse and maybe they would make sense for you

Please understand that you are not in a position to meet anyone’s needs. You love him and it’s so difficult to stay away. For me going no contact has been the hardest thing, but he is being abusive to you by demanding certain things.

Take some time for yourself and listen to your guts. We are here to support you

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