IDVA Cancelled Again

[iliketea]

Hi, the GP referred me to the local domestic abuse project in June last year. I first saw the IDVA in August, and then it was going to be fortnightly. It was for emotional abuse from my partner, we have two young children. She cancelled the second appointment and has done that ever since so I’ve only seen her once a month until the start of December, and now not for 8 weeks. Its been a really bad Christmas too and I just want out. But without seeing her I have no idea what my options are and what all the details are. She keeps on saying we’ll go and see a solicitor together but then it never gets arranged. Today she was due an hour and half ago and she hasn’t been in contact. I’ve tried her but no reply. Over the past two months I’ve tried talking to her on the phone and she always cancels by saying she is at an emergency situation or with another client and at a solicitors. Usually an hour after the call has been arranged. I understand services are stretched, I understand that I am not currently “an emergency” although she has categorised me as high risk… Any advice on what to do?

When I first saw her I realised that it had opened a can of worms but waiting a month to then talk about what was going on was really really hard and I stopped sleeping and started having nightmares. I asked her if I could have counselling and she said she preferred I didn’t tie in with any other agencies and that she would have to stop seeing me if I did. I felt this to be a bit controlling but justified it to myself by thinking perhaps it was their funding stream stipulations, their own counselling service has just been put on hold… SO, she then did finally agree to me being able to access a local counselling service and I managed to get some of it funded by St Johns, I’ve had 5 sessions and its really helpful. But I feel like I’m in limbo in terms of the actual ending of the relationship and the practicalities, the counsellor doesn’t know about that side of things.

The IDVA worker has said that I need to exit and I agree but the lack of contact is making it really hard to make any plans or to feel supported. I’m beginning to feel really depressed. I have no family, and hardly any friend support, he has isolated me a lot and we have moved a lot. What should I do? I don’t want to p**s the IDVA worker off by complaining but if it was anything else I would. But she’s holds the key to the exit, the knowledge, the entry to legal aid, the evidence she’s been writing in her book when we meet (she says), basically the power and the control. I am completely lost, and getting a bit desperate.. Thanks.

[KIP.]

Hi, I’d copy your post to her supervisor. It’s raising your concerns rather than complaining. It’s not acceptable and if she doesn’t have the time to support you then perhaps someone else can.

[Lisa]

Hello iliketea,

I’m sorry to hear that you’re not getting the support you expected from your IDVA. Would you feel comfortable to contact the service directly to talk about this? Or you could have a look in your area for an alternative organisation? You can find your local services here.

You can always contact Women’s Aid via the webchat if you want to talk about things in more detail, you should not have to be going weeks without being able to talk to anyone. You can always call the Samaritans if you need to talk things through too, on 116 123.

I hope things get better for you. Keep posting and let us know how you’re doing.

Lisa

[iliketea]

Thank you. Last time I called the helpline at Womans Aid an (detail removed by moderator) woman told me to be very careful and that if I didn’t leave the relationship asap social services would become involved and I could be accused of abuse! I was very shocked. It was just before Christmas when I knew the IDVA would not be visiting but I called the local service straight away and asked if this was true and they said no and that it was very irresponsible to say that. I have a plan to leave and its only the lack of IDVA and solicitor contact has slowed the process down. It has put me off calling Womens Aid, it was really depressing and upsetting.

[Lisa]

Hi iliketea,

I’m really sorry to hear about your bad experience of calling the National Domestic Violence Helpline- Women’s Aid haven’t actually run the Helpline since October so it wouldn’t have been a Women’s Aid worker you spoke to. If you did want to speak to a Women’s Aid worker you can chat to someone online via the live chat (Mon – Fri 10am-12pm). The chat can get really busy so the best way to get through to someone is to log on as early as possible (as close to 10am as possible).

Please don’t let what has happened put you off from getting help. I’d encourage you to speak to your local service again to see what can be done about your IDVA (if you feel comfortable doing this?),

Keep posting on here to let us know how you’re getting on,

Lisa

[iliketea]

Thank you Lisa, sorry, I didn’t realise that, didn’t mean to do Womens Aid down. Youre a wonderful organisation, doing amazing work. x

[Escapee]

Hi iliketea,

I’ve had a very similar experience to you and in the end I relied on my GP and the in-house team at the surgery, plus the Samaritans. I’d suggest going back to your GP and asking for help again. The surgery may also have a mental health nurse that can support you.

I can only assume that the Domestic Abuse charities are overwhelmed but that doesn’t help those of us that feel abandoned to cope on our own.

Sending love and support x*x

[Author]

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