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    • #91668
      KIP.
      Participant

      Starts again tonight. It was something my son and I watched together year after year. I have a recording of him laughing on my phone. He’s not a child anymore and I haven’t seen him for a couple of years and it breaks my heart and makes me angry that a father would destroy the relationship between a mother and son. Pure and utter evil. If any of you are considering allowing access to your child/children. Learn from my pain and fight till your last breath to keep these abusers away or they will destroy everything you hold precious. Make your life hell just because they can. Just because there is a biological connection, don’t think that translates to love or care. I haven’t cried in a long time, I think I’ve been quite numb.

    • #91671
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      It’s how we get by sometimes. You fear that if you start crying, you’ll never stop.

      You’re such a strong lady and you’ve helped all of us on here so much, so cry away and let it go.

      I hope one day your son sees the light x*x

    • #91673
      KIP.
      Participant

      just not feeling so strong tonight but thank you for your support x I guess tomorrow will be a better day 💕

    • #91674
      Hetty
      Participant

      I’m so sorry to read how you’re feeling tonight. I just wanted to reach out to tell you I’m thinking of you. I can’t even imagine how difficult the loss of your son in your life has been for you.
      You’re always on here offering such warmth and wisdom to the rest of us. I really appreciate your words of advice and support.
      I agree that these men stop at nothing to cause devastation and destruction.
      I’ve had years of contact problems with my ex who is an alcoholic. I’ve finally stopped all contact and am awaiting a court summons. I’ve already had a solicitor’s letter which wasn’t worth the paper it was written on. I’m so angry with the legal system which facilitates ongoing abuse, in my opinion. It’s painful for my son who is still very young but I will fight to keep him protected from this very damaged man.
      Thank you so much for sharing your story ❤️

    • #91675
      Hetty
      Participant

      I hope one day your relationship will be repaired x

    • #91676
      KIP.
      Participant

      My son is very much trapped by my ex. He got him to give up a good job and go work for his dad so he needs to stay on his side to keep a roof over his head. I couldn’t stop it happening. I also fear contacting him as he triggers me and there’s also the fear of rejection. I’ve been told as he gets older and has his own family, he will recognise the damage. Till then I’ve told him he knows where I am if he needs me. He’s had no contact with any of his aunts cousins or grand parents on my side and he was always close to them. I underestimated my ex. I won’t make that mistake again x

    • #91677
      KIP.
      Participant

      Hi Hetty, don’t give up. The more cases that get to court, the more the judges will see they utter waste of space these men are. I hope you have support. Maybe women’s aid can support you through this. I’ve got court on the horizon with my ex and I’m going to make him sorry he thought he could pick me as a victim.

    • #91678
      fizzylem
      Participant

      Think most of us can see how parenthood changes us, it’s only really then when we notice and question how our own parents were hey and this can create empathy; family also becomes important to us again after the period of it being all about time with friends and getting established in the world, becoming an adult. Time passes and what once seemed important no longer is anymore, but making amends and feeling at peace is. I truly hope he finds his way back to you KIP, that he realises too much time has been wasted, that he comes to appreciate the amazing person his mum is. Hugs to you lady xx

    • #91679
      Lilypink
      Participant

      Really sorry to hear how you’re feeling tonight KIP. You are a very strong person and have shown such wisdom and care towards others in this forum, despite the immense pain you live with everyday. Your son will see the light one day..Stay strong, its not over yet…in solidarity xx

    • #91686
      Iwantmeback
      Participant

      Hi kip, yes I understand only too well that loss, sadly. I always said I’d put my children first, would never put a man before them like my mum did with my dad. She told me as a young girl that he was the most important person in her life, we’d always be second after him. There’s noone who knows this apart from my psychologist, and guess what, I’ve done the exact same. I should have faught tooth and nail fir my children and I didn’t, I stood by while that monster came between us. I don’t blame my children for hating me, I can never make it up to them, have to live with the facts that I didn’t do enough, didn’t love them enough, didn’t realise what I would lose, the most precious gifts I ever had, all because I loved him so utterly. I can’t change what’s happened, but I can change the future, and that means not going back to him. I’m not sure if I’ll ever have a great relationship with my children, or any fir that matter. They are adults now and as such I can’t keep bailing them out, especially financially through guilt. My daughter and I are okay for a while, but she is so like me in nature, mannerisms (so much her dad hurt her emotionally too cos she reminded him of me)i never realised how emotionally abusive he is/was, her self esteem is rock bottom, made many bad choices in her relationships too, as has my son. Both smoke h..h, say it helps relax them,their dad said it did no harm, basically gave them carte blanche. He never used it when he was with me, now, who knows or cares what he does. I think it makes their problems worse. My son now drinks too much too now, thinks so little of himself. Gets into trouble,I’m just waiting for the day I’m told he’s dead. All because I fell in love with a monster, I dream of moving away,taking them and my grandson with me, but know my son would seek out dealers and trouble wherever he lived. How did my life end up like this. Is it like this in everyone’s lives?
      Abuse knows no boundaries, doesn’t discriminate against class or colour or gender or religion, it doesn’t care if you’re rich or poor, well educated or just an average Jo/Joe.
      I’m not sure if I’ll have any sort of relationship with my kids, but I do know that if I went back to him I’d definitely not have one at all. Sorry this post seems a bit all over the place, but then again our lives are like that aren’t they?
      Take care everyone IWMB

    • #91715
      diymum@1
      Participant

      I’m thinking with emotion here. I just wonder how can such good people loose our kids. I think I am being numb at times too KIP. They are with their fathers under duress really. It’s so incomprehendable 😬 I’m not sure how all of this pans out. I know the cycle of abuse repeats it’s self. All we can say is it wasn’t behaviour brought on by our teachings xx still very hard xx sending you all hugs 🤗 love diymum

    • #91719
      KIP.
      Participant

      Thank you all for your support. Today has been better and I’ve picked myself up again. It the words of Frank Sinatra That’s Life. I fall flat on my face, I just pick myself up and get back in the race. From the new Joker movie x hope you all have a good day x

    • #91726
      Whosthatgirl
      Participant

      Sending hugs Kip. Your support has given me the strength to fight for my kids to be safe.im not giving up even though he’s trying to break me with his lies. Please know how brilliant you are. Your kids will find their way back to you I’m sure x*x

    • #91728
      KIP.
      Participant

      Hey, just remember to hang onto that rock of truth in a choppy sea and limit contact as much as you can. Keep fighting. Your kids will thank you in the end x

    • #91731
      Whosthatgirl
      Participant

      Big hugs Kip xx

    • #91732
      hop
      Participant

      I didn’t speak to one of my parents for well over a decade. It was fractious to say the least. Some awful things were said, by me, but when it became clear that the way things were when I was a kid definitely were not the way things were when I had my own kids I thawed. It took a long time and I was seriously vicious but my parents unconditionally loved and now my relationship with both of them is amazing. I used to feel like I was owed something from them and really took the p**s on taking money and not caring about their situation. Years back I thought I’d never speak to one of my parents ever again but their patience and love eventually thawed my frozen heart. I realised all the hatered I held only hurt me. I had trauma therapy eventually for that and our relationship is the strongest I’ve ever known. I believe whole heartedly that your children have the capacity to come to terms with their past and they will see that you’d never make the same mistakes again. I was seriously heartless and made their lives hell (as an adult). It ended up I felt so bad I thought I’d never be forgiven by them.
      Your kids are hurt the same way we are but eventually they will come around. Hold out hope, sometimes it’s all we have 💖 huge hugs x*x

    • #91734
      KIP.
      Participant

      Thank you for sharing that. My therapist told me that once he has a family of his own he will realise that I did nothing wrong apart from try to protect him. He victim blames me, even telling me I’d made his life difficult (by having his dad arrested and getting a restraining order). I do hope he knows I will always be there for him as I’ve told him. But not while he is abusive and acting as a flying monkey which he has done. Guess i have to sit back and hope that day comes. It’s good to know some stories have a happy ending. Much love x

      • #91776
        Cecile
        Participant

        The boundaries you are showing him are far more important than sitting back and accepting it for a short term ‘easy’ life. Boundaries are everything. Think of the generations to come. The reason we have n*********s is attributed to their upbringing, lack of safe boundaries on their behaviours. As mothers we have to do really hard choices and that is what you did, the best thing you could do from difficult choices. I know of people who were estranged from parens for many years and managed to reunite. You can rest easy in terms of your conscience as a mother.

        And of course he needs to understand that you were an individual whose safety and welfare came first.

        xx

    • #91737
      Fudgecake
      Participant

      I’m glad you’re feeling better about things now, KIP. Keep strong and know that you have lots of people on here wishing the best for you. You have let your son know that you’re here if he needs you, isn’t that all any parent can do? Abuse and its effects ripple on through our lives but we are stronger for surviving inspite of it. I firmly believe that any man can be a father but it takes a special person to be a dad. A rare treasure to find these days, sadly.

    • #91774
      Escapee
      Participant

      Lots of love and hugs to you KIP.

      💕

    • #91775
      hop
      Participant

      Having your own family certainly changes the way you reflect on how your own parents handled things growing up. It must be so hard for you especially at this time of year when every night you’re reminded of happier times. You have so much to give and he’ll see that again. Take care KIP 💖

    • #91781
      Iwantmeback
      Participant

      I’m glad you’re getting back in the race Kip. Some days really are just so hard, but the sun goes down and rises again next day. And so we pick ourselves back up, put on our game face and get on with things. Lots of love kip, you truly are an inspiration💞

    • #91838
      hop
      Participant

      How are you today kip? I hope you’re ok doll 💖

    • #91840
      fizzylem
      Participant

      Just had a thought, if this program jogged your memory as a special time, chances are it will also do the same for him x

    • #91876
      KIP.
      Participant

      Thanks for asking and I’m doing much betteR today. Used to take me many days to pick myself up but I think I’m building my resilience lol. That’s a nice thought fizzylem. I hope he remembers happy times x

    • #91896
      Iwantmeback
      Participant

      The last movie I watched with my son w*d pirates of the Caribbean. Not long after that he went to live with his dad. I do see him now and again, sometimes he’s the son I used to have, think we need to get to know each other but at this moment in time all I hear is my ohs words in my head when I’m with my son, my daughter too for that matter. Hopefully It’ll all work out in the end. 💞💞

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