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    • #58063
      Goggleeyes
      Participant

      I think I last wrote back in Feb. I’ve been through finding out my whole marriage is based on manipulation and emotional abuse that spans over (Detail removed by moderator).
      Then I’ve been through plucking up a small bit of courage in my weakened, foggy state trying to understand legal jargon, processes to try and get help. All to find out no ones willing to help me.
      Then I went through anger/rage at the system. I have literally begged for help for myself and my child and got nothing. I’m a citizen, I pay my taxes and I get nothing. No housing, no legal aid just agreements in my claims that I’m in a highly abusive situation. To the point that organisations have told me if they get involved it would escalate instantly to physical violence. Yet, I feel I have been abandoned.
      I at least have a minimum paying wage now. My situation is that of walking on a knife edge every second of everyday. I want him gone and I would like financial support from him when is gone. How do I do this. Please someone offer solid help here. It’s gotten worse & even more explosively violent and I am angry but genuinely fearful.
      He’s even putting my job at risk by not giving me petrol money until the death of when I have to leave for work or school pick ups. All while screaming at me of what a selfish b***h I am, & how miserable I make his life. I’ve had enough, even my son has said it’s getting worse, so much worse. When your child’s words snap your brain into clarity for a moment- I know it’s very bad indeed. All I’m asking is help and action. I hope I get some.

    • #58065
      maddog
      Participant

      Have you made contact with WA? There is no single way to get out and every situation is different. WA can help you to make a plan and get things moving. They can also help you to safety.

      The level of abuse is quite an eye-opener when we’ve been used to shoving it under the carpet for a long time.

      Have the police been involved?

    • #58067
      KIP.
      Participant

      Ring Rights for Women who offer free legal advice and are well aware of the fog you are in so will be able to simplify things. If you have evidence of his abuse then a solicitor should be able to get you an occupation order which will exclude him from the home. If you report his behaviour (keep a journal of everything he does) to the police, they may chnagege him and give him bail conditions to keep him away. Your local women’s aid may be able to help rehome you or offer a space in a refuge meantime. The bottom line though is that you have to find the strength to take action. You have to take those first steps. I was so traumatised I just let the police courts and women’s aid take the decisions from me and he was arrested, given bail conditions and I got the space I needed to clear the FOG of abuse. The Fear Obligation and Guilt. You need help to get out of this but you also need to take that leap of faith which I appreciate is difficult when you’re living in a traumatised state. Financial abuse is now crime which is what he is doing by withholding cash. You can ring 101 and speak to the domestic abuse police for advice. I recorded the abuse secretly on my phone but be very careful he doesn’t find out.

      • #58076
        Goggleeyes
        Participant

        I will call Womens Aid, again. Yes I made a report to the police around (Detail removed by moderator) time, for the first time.
        I’m about to call police (101 is it?) again to report an escalated verbal incident that happened (Detail removed by moderator) days ago- so it can be on record.

      • #58078
        Goggleeyes
        Participant

        Thank you, I will call again.

    • #58068
      Tiffany
      Participant

      Have you tried contacting Right’s for Women? They are supposed to be very good at helping with the legal implications.

      The only other thing I can tell you is that I put myself in a very financially precarious position when I left. I had stayed with my partner partly because I wasn’t in a great position to be financially independent. I had a low paid job while he had a high paid one, and we lived in an expensive part of the country. Honestly, I briefly ended up losing everything – I had to move in with relatives and quit my job as I was too far away then to commute. But, a year on it has been worth it for the emotional benefits alone, but I am also doing better in absolutely all areas of my life. Better job, better social life, better financial position, better health. Abuse is incredibly draining and only once we escape it are we capable of reaching our potential.

      I would take whatever risks you need to in order to flee. Even if you end up losing your job to go into a refuge, or have to make yourself homeless in order to get a council house.

    • #58071

      From experience I can confirm that Tiffany is right. For me it was looking back – a spiritual journey, where I had to make friends with uncertainty, return to what was really important in life – for example, my life, my health (important because if I did not stay alive I would not be able to care for my child).

      Wanted to be glad that child and I stayed together, in refuge and afterwards. There was a peace to it all. Please go to refuge. Do it in secret. It sounds like you have been very traumatised. As soon as you get there they will help you sort out benefits, legal stuff (or at least if you have a support worker – you meet with them every week). They are likely to say or suggest that you sign up for benefits straight away and visit the doctor. You may not want to do this, but doing this will remove the pressure to work and will give you some space to get your head around the rest of the stuff you need to get your head around. You will sleep better, recuperate a bit and have greater clarity for the tasks that lie ahead.

      But the most important thing is to get out.
      Please don’t hesitate. The rest of it, divorce, property …will be sorted out later.
      The bare facts are – sounds like you need to leave to stay alive. And to look after your family.

      I’m not pretending it is an easy path to walk. It isn’t. But as soon as you start on the path you will experience a sense of freedom that you may not have had for a long time.

      May the Force be with you, as it were…

      all best
      ftc
      x

      • #58077
        Goggleeyes
        Participant

        I will contact Rights for Women, again. I’m trying to scrape together enough money for my retraining and move overseas in a few months time.

      • #58079
        Goggleeyes
        Participant

        I was told that I can’t go to a refuge because my child’s in teen yrs. I was told that I need to privately rent, which I do not have the credit or resources to do. So I have been stuck
        Living in the same unfinished house with my husband.
        I was told I can’t get legal aid for a divorce. Despite only having a minimum wage job. I need my current area for my child’s school and my job.

    • #58072

      And later on, who knows there might be re-training, college, opportunities ahead that you perhaps have never dreamt of
      big hugs
      x

    • #58080
      Goggleeyes
      Participant

      I was told from council that I can not claim homelessness, as I am not homeless my name is in a rental lease, even though my husband pays it. I didn’t want to be in the lease, I because I knew I can’t pay the rent if he stops paying but I was forced to do it. I was told by council that despite living in abuse with my child I’m in a 3 yr min wait for housing assistance.
      I have a police report from last year & a letter from my Dr stating turmoil marriage being a factor of stress.

    • #58082
      Goggleeyes
      Participant

      I was told from a local solicitor, on the advice of legal rights for women, that I can not qualify for legal aid, this was before I got my minimum wage job that I’m currently at. Despite not having a paying job previously.

    • #58084
      maddog
      Participant

      That all sounds terrible, Goggleeyes. It is such a confusing and difficult time. Did you get an IDVA (Independent Domestic Violence Advisor) through the police? I hope you will get one when you speak to the police again. The IDVA is there to help you through the initial bits and point you in directions to find a solicitor (they should know the best DA legal advisors in the area), help you with Social Services, housing and all the rest of it. I have no idea about the legal aid situation. In cases of domestic abuse it is not the same as a regular divorce. WA will support you too. Has anyone gone through the DASH risk assessment with you?

      You will get there and bit by bit help will start slotting into place.

      Nobody should be living in fear. It’s a big step to involve the police. The first time I went to them, I really underestimated what was happening to me.

    • #58121

      Step by step. Keep going,
      ftc
      x

    • #58331
      Goggleeyes
      Participant

      I’ve been trying to get a hold of local police for nearly a week to register a rather volatile verbal incident last weekend. To no avail.

      I spoke to Womens aid, who was pretty fired up about how I’ve been passed around with no help from anyone.

      I’ve spoken to another law firm who has told me to self a***s for DV in .giv website. Then if I qualify to bring that in as proof to have a meeting regarding help & possible legal aid.

      My min wage job is in the line as now he won’t allow me petrol or food money (detail removed by moderator). I was just paid but that had to
      Pay for my retraining (detail removed by monderator). Which now I have no idea if I can even do.

      I will contact my tutor to see if anything can be done.

      My credits horrible but I’m goung to try and get a loan which I know I can’t payback. So I can have petrol money. Without my job I cant escape this hell or him.

    • #58348
      Goggleeyes
      Participant

      I’ve cancelled my studies & asked for a refund due to extenuating circumstances. Not even half was returned to me. I’m gutted. It was literally every pence I had. I feel sick.
      I’ve now lost two jobs because of this. As I’m not spending this on anything except my airfare. I just want to cry. I’m so angry at him, for this hell.

    • #58568
      Chickadee
      Participant

      Hi Googleeyes.

      I’m not sure of all elements of this as I just read the last few posts. So I’m not sure if this was someone you were living with, etc.

      What is presented is that your under a great deal of stress and detriment to your life.

      Don’t keep calling the police, go to the station and tell them you want to file an incident report involving domestic violence. Sit and wait until someone helps you. Get the IDVA maddog mentioned.

      Good Luck in your progress!

      Chickadee

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