I’m angry

[HopeLifeJoy]

Hi girls, I’m having a bad week and have to vent it out. I realised how much I have been abused, not only abused once but twice in a row. I am very disgusted that it happened and terribly angry.

The first one – ex husband – was what I thought the man of my life, the best man on the planet, he was so confident and full of life. He did have regular angry outbursts right at the start but I didn’t took it too seriously, I gave him a time-out when it happened just like you would to a tantrum of a young child. I did only notice at the very end of our relationship that something was very wrong and that he was continuously destroying me, inside the house psychologically and outside the house with a massive smear campaign telling all the officials and anyone who would listen that I am a terrible mother.
I couldn’t believe it and stayed. Until he starved me and our children out of the house. I left the country. With our children. He accused me of child abduction, won the case and got them both back. Don’t ask me how the heck everyone believes him and not me, I still can’t believe it all happened, time doesn’t seem to move on, even after couple of years now.

I took refuge into the arms of a another (removed by moderator), a caring and protective one or that’s what I thought, this time a calm strong introverted man. I fell for him harder then the first abuser, I never even noticed that I was under his thumb the whole time and that he never ever had my best interest at heart, just his own. I did hold on to him for dear life after my previous abusive relationship. He was my everything.
I only noticed, far too late, that I didn’t blossomed with his so-called love, it was always just a one-way street love, of course all love-giving coming from me, he neglected me emotionally unbelievably, and laughed at me when I stumbled and tried to recover and blamed me for what happened to me in my previous relationship, speaking down at me with terrible cold remarks, with such subtle cruelty…then he dropped me one day just like that, without warning and without explanation. Discarded me like a stinking roten nothing. It felt like the ground under my feet was pulled very brutally and suddenly, leaving me heart-broken and very lost and confused for so long.

I am so angry at them both, can call them all the names imaginable, and also angry at my-self on how and why could I have been dragged into their abuse for so long and not put on the breaks earlier? And especially fall from one abuser right into to the next?!
I feel so used, so stupid and very angry at it all.

Even after having been burned badly through my relationships and lost everything dear to me, I still believe in love. Because abuse has nothing to do with love. I want to believe in a happily ever after.
Shifting a little the idea of a relationship being build on respect between two partners, not on passion anymore.
Kate Middleton and Prince William are my inspiration now, it seems that they do respect each other, support each other and look into the same direction as they build and progress in their lives together.
This couple gives me hope that one day I too will be able to lead a safe loving family life. That’s my dearest dream.

Thank you for listening, just to write it all here has calmed me down.

[Lisa]

Hi HopeLifeJoy,

Thank you for posting, I’m glad that the act of writing out your feelings has helped a little. Your anger towards the perpetrators is of course completely justified. The only person responsible for abuse is the abuser. Please try not to be hard on yourself for not getting out sooner. Abuse can be so difficult to recognise at first within a relationship, and then even harder to get away from. Despite everything you have had to endure, you have managed to get free and to keep going. Keep hold of the dream of what is possible and of what you deserve.

Keep posting,

Lisa

[HopeLifeJoy]

Thank you Lisa for your kind encouraging words.

[Author]

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