I'm away but not free yet

[Lostinmymind]

So I did it. I managed to leave my abuser.

We had been together just over (Detail removed by Moderator) years, since my late teens. We were together all the time and within a month he told me he loved me. I couldn’t believe how lucky I felt, that someone like him loved me. How wrong I was.

For (Detail removed by Moderator) years I have put up with his emotionally (sometimes physical) abuse. Anything nice he’d done for me, like supporting me finicailly through university, was used against me to make me fell small and not good enough. ‘You wouldn’t have got good marks without me.’ ‘It’s your turn to pay for things now, I paided for everything long enough.’

As the years went on I would always make excuses for his behaviour, not just to other people but to myself as well. I ended up barely seeing my family or friends unless he approved of them. I normalised all his behaviour.

Then we had our daughter. The best thing in my life. So happy and intelligent. And with her became a new fight in myself. All I want is the best for her. He became jealous of my relationship with her. He left everything up to me and then got angry that all my attention wasn’t on him. He didn’t like if I said I couldn’t pick him up because it was her bedtime. He would shout at me confront of her, call me names and belittle me. I started to think ‘I don’t want her to think this is normal. I don’t want this for her.’

So a few months ago it came to a head and we had a huge row. I’d been out on a (Detail removed by Moderator) night out (and because of him I maybe go out once a year) and got back late. For 2 days he told me to f**k off and not touch him. We had a huge row and I grabbed my daughter and left to stay at a friends.

After a few weeks we were speaking again. I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do. I still wasn’t even calling it abuse. He had reverted back to his nice self. Constant I love yours and promises to change and be better and do more. I felt completely torn and didn’t know which way I was going to go.

Then it was like a switch went off. I suddenly said no, enough is enough and I’m done. He became angry and even more irrational. He showed up on the door demanding to see me and I wouldn’t open the door. Then I got a text saying he was in a and e and needed to see me. I didn’t go. Instead I took the opportunity to return home and get important things (birth certificates, passports, etc)

I told my work what was going on. I went to see a solicitor. I reached out to the rest of my friends and family. I blocked his number and got a new phone. Me and my friend I was staying with both left with my daughter as we no longer felt safe at her house.

I feel a sense of relief that I have done it. But I know there is a long road ahead. The most important thing to me is my daughter’s happiness. Right now that means no contact for either of us with him.

I’m looking at talking to a therapist to help me get my mind back on track. I don’t like the person I have become in this relationship. I have low self worth and feel a complete lack of trust in other people. I fear walking around that he has people spying on me. And I also dear that he will try to destroy my life now he knows I will not go back to him.

It’s hard to feel free but know that I’m not really free yet, and that it will be a while till I cruelly am.

[Iwantmeback]

Hi lostinmymind, well done for leaving that was very brave of you. The rest is however you want it to be. 🙂keep safe and letcus know how yuour are doing.
Blessings to you and your daughter and your lovely friend also. Xx
IWMB 💕💕

[Lostinmymind]

Encouragement is what I’m looking for too. I feel like because we have our daughter together I will never be truly free of him.

He has a child with another partner. He doesn’t see the child but still harasses his ex. He told me she was a drug user and a bad mum from a rough family and she had denied him access. I don’t believe a word of that anymore. He already rung up members of my family and told them I’m a drug user which is completely false. He is in fact a cannabis user. All day everyday.

It is this fear that makes me want to just upsticks and leave where he cannot find me. The only thing stopping me is the fear of being done for ‘abducting’ my daughter. Luckily I have realised I still have family left who support me, so I have been able to stay with them for the time being.

I know I have done the right thing in leaving him. But I just need to be strong for the road ahead and know that it will get better x

[Iwantmeback]

Hi lostinmymind, well done you for leaving him too. What a delusional (Detail removed by Moderator) he is, imagine saying both of you are drug users. He’s consistent if not original.
Is there any way you could get in touch with his ex, support each other w..d out the lies.
I Fantasize about meeting with his ex and laying ghosts to rest, seeing if she was the abuser he said she was, or if he treated her the way he treats me. So many unanswered questions.
Although you have a daughter together, there is no reason to have anything to do with him, unless he pays maintenance abd gets fathers rights😏 yuour could insist on supervised access, if he uses cannabis daily, I’d say his grasp on reality is a lot to desire and shouldn’t be alone with a child as hes not acting responsibly. Not sure if he’d have to do drug tests prior to visits(if he gets them), but if he does he should(be tested).
I’m so happy you have family around you, you have us here to talk with, to rant to, to cry to. You’re safe here, that’s a great feeling, being safe.
You can now be the great role model your child deserves and her teacher in what’s acceptable and not acceptable behaviour. We are the teachers of a future non abusive society. #NOTALONE

[Lostinmymind]

Thanks iwantmeback

I know I’m going to be honest with her as she gets older.

My mum has only now been honest with me about my dad. He treated my mum the same way but didn’t leave him till I was nearly (Detail removed by Moderator). I know she was trying to do the right thing and not taint my relationship with him, but I feel like j have made the same mistakes and I don’t want this life for my daughter. I want her to be aware so she can recognise the behaviour and be a stronger person.

I will definitely insist on supervised visits at a contact centre. And ask for drugs tests first. J worried that I wouldn’t be clean due to second hand smoke which made me fearful of asking for this in case he said I needed drugs testing too. Luckily it has been long enough now that I shouldn’t have anything in my system.

I just need to learn to let go of the fear and know that he no longer has control over my life.

[Iwantmeback]

That is a lovely positive post, lostinmymind. Let go the fear, i like that.
💕💕

[Iwantmeback]

Hi Joan, just want to say well done for making your decision. You are doing it for yourself and your children.
Yes the kids are happy at school but they have to be safe at home, one shouldn’t happen to the detriment of the other. You have WA helping you now, you have us on here, behind you EVERY step of the way. Let what is happening stink in, post on here whenever yoy have w wobble or doubt why youve left. It takes time to open up, you’ve done just that.
Good lyck with the move. Be safe, no contact is best. WA will advise you every step of the way.
Blessings and strength to you all
IWMB 💕💕
Ps im not sure if some of your details should be included in the post, the modifier will advise you otherwise. Xx

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