20th July 2021 at 6:47 pm #129039Trapped.Participant
Hi lovely ladies.
So I’m back again, I got minorly sexually assaulted in my home in (detail removed by moderator) last year, still being investigated.
But I caved. He said to come back and he would look after me. Me being vulnerable said yes. Things were great for about 2 weeks. We had a night free. His mum was taking the kids. He was out at (detail removed by moderator). But he was taking ages. I just knew in my heart something wasn’t right.
When I got near him I saw (detail removed by moderator) on his face. I asked what it was and he told me “I can’t lie to you, I have to tell you the truth”
He bumped into her in our local town, they spoke for a while and she hugged him goodbye. I asked to see the messages and they had been talking for the last (detail removed by moderator) on and off. She started the conversation by saying he (detail removed by moderator).
Her again, of all people. The one girl I’m insecure about. And even more insecure after what had just happened to me. A few days later, we rowed. Around (detail removed by moderator) in the night. He told me “you don’t fancy me anymore” “you never touch me”. I don’t see how that’s even possible because we still we having sex every night!
I explained that I felt s****y because of what happened in my home and because of what he did and met her.
I was so unhappy. I needed to leave. I can’t do this anymore. I needed him and once again he wasn’t there for me.
In (detail removed by moderator), I finally had the guts to leave again, I told him I was going back home to see my mum. Then when I left a few days later, I sent him a message telling him how I’m up happy and it’s over. I told him not to contact me.
About a week later, I we started talking again. Small talk. I was trying not to let him back in. But then she messages me, (detail removed by moderator) and I took it stupidly. I don’t know why I would let her into my relationship or even get back with him. But I did.
I’m here again now, in the last month he has told me he doesn’t want to be with me and to go back home about 3 or 4 times. I’m sick of it.
About (detail removed by moderator) ago, we got into another row. His (detail removed by moderator). But it never turned up. Now if you get in the way of his food then stay away from him. He took it out on me because he could have already eaten. It wasn’t my fault. Again he told me to leave, with my two kids. Then he said to go the next day. The next day comes and he doesn’t say anything abojt it. Goes to (detail removed by moderator). I looked after his son. Of course I don’t mind.
But now I just don’t feel happy. I’m getting more and more depressed. Miserable as he says. I need to go home with my kids. I don’t know why I’m struggling so much. It’s like my heart hurts the thought of the tension and horrible energy it will bring.
Someone. I really need help
21st July 2021 at 7:41 pm #129088LisaMain Moderator
I’m sorry to hear what you’re going through at the moment, it sounds like a very difficult time.
I can hear how vulnerable you felt after the assault in your home and it sounds like your partner took advantage of that. It seems like he makes it incredibly difficult for you to try and move on.
Quite often abusers will purposely tell us things to make us feel paranoid, insecure and jealous, it is an element of abuse that pushes us to react in a way that we might not normally, so that they can accuse us of being ‘controlling’ or ‘crazy’.
It sounds like a lot of his behaviour is designed to elicit a reaction from you, it’s very emotionally abusive, and I imagine it’s exhausting to live with.
Thank you for sharing this with us, I hope you are doing okay today.
Take care and keep posting,
21st July 2021 at 10:17 pm #129097Wants To HelpParticipant
This man feels that he can have you at his beck and call and that you’ll go running to him when he wants you and you’ll leave when he instructs you.
You have left him before and you can do it again.
You’re right, he did manage to get you again when you were vulnerable. I’m sorry to read you have been sexually assaulted and I hope you are getting support for that. Without understanding the nature of that incident (a potential new boyfriend / family member etc) perhaps, subconsciously, you went back to someone you were familiar with because it felt safer at the time to be with him than alone and he conned you in to believing that too. Despite everything, you were willing to give him another chance, but now you know, no matter how many chances you give him you are not happy. It’s a double edged sword we’ve all lived on; we’re not happy when we are with them, but we are not happy when we’re without them either – and we too and fro so many times until we find which ‘unhappiness’ is the least worst option.
Eventually, we get to the stage where the unhappiness we feel with them is just too much. Leaving an abuser is so much more difficult because we allow them to draw us back in with their lies and sob stories, their false promises to be better, then once we’re back, it’s the gaslighting that they were only ever like that because we did x,y and z and the continued lies and deceit.
You have the power to leave again, you have somewhere to go to. You have invested too much of your time and energy in to this man now and he is clearly not investing himself back in to you, so take back your power and give him none of it. This time, as KIP always recommends, do the zero contact. Don’t explain, don’t complain. Total silence and shut him down, shut him out, and focus on yourself and your children. Invest in you. Invest in your children. Allow yourself to hurt from this, then allow yourself to heal. Don’t compete with another woman for this man. Let her have him. As Barbara Cartland once said, “the best revenge you can get when a woman steals your man is to let her keep him”
Good luck x
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