I’m back again.

[Onlyintime]

hi ladies. I have previously posted and have re read all advice. I feel silly posting again. So before lock down I was convinced that the relationship was going to end. And tried to end it. Since lockdown he has been sickingly incredible. No tempers no grumps has been getting up doing house work shopping being ever so considerate. Loving attentive a complete 360. We sat and awkwardly watched the DV program during lockdown which has perhaps made him see his behaviour as he did comment. Things seem good.. now I am FULLY aware that these good spells usually don’t last but (detail removed by moderator) without a single snide comment is rather odd. Although I still do not love him im starting to think that this is bearable. Telling him to get out just brings tears and begging and I can’t cope with that so I buckle. Maybe its not going to be that bad now. Perhaps it is doable now. At least until the kids are older. Just a thought. Just needed to let this out somewhere.

[Anonymous]

Time will tell. Always does. Unfortunately past behavior and patterns are good predictors of future behavior. But getting a breather is nice, right? While in this moment take time to read up on codependency. That one is definitely going on here. Living a life that is “bearable” isn’t really a life and it does no favors for anyone really. You deserve more…….Sometimes we have to tweek our standards up a few notches and not get in the rut of – well, it could be worse, not as bad as it could be, etc. and think more along the lines of – what would be my ideal situation, what would make me happy, positive, joyful, fulfilled, etc. Otherwise you end up in the “hand me down line” and being second best in your own life. He is responsible for where he is in life, not you. He might be changing…..my experience with that one isn’t good but it could happen. If it’s true, it will remain so but even if it is, you don’t love him sooo really think about that one. Doable is one of those 2nd best kind of words..

[Escapee]

I’m familiar with this behaviour but once you’re really awake to what abuse is you can see the chinks in his good behaviour.
The jokes he makes, all seemingly innocent, but then you realise that he’s made them at your expense…..the little jokes with the shop assistant that take a dig at you for example.

Or you’ll be discussing something and he’ll start to twist things or try to belittle your opinion. These seem little but when it’s him on his best behaviour you realise the same man is underneath and it will only be a matter of time.

Then there’s the niggling thought……if he can be this nice why was he such an ar** before???

I may be wrong but I’d be very suspicious of his sudden turn around.

Also, can you really have an intimate relationship with this man now?

They can confuse the hell out of you – remember his previous behaviour and ask do you really want that for you and your children?

Good luck 💕

[Onlyintime]

The phrase “when he’s good he’s very very good..” springs to mind. Ah the age old Intimacy..the getting it over with for a couple of days rest bite. The truth is, is I am a coward. I dont have it in me to break this guys heart and kick him out. Not that he would go easily either. He hasn’t the last couple of times I tried. Well and truly stuck. At least for now things seem dare I say..blissful. I like this side to him but more than aware that he is short tempered with a nasty side. Il keep posting. Xx

[KIP.]

Hi there it’s extremely clear how much he is still manipulating you. Your children will learn from this nasty controlling behaviour and you have them to consider more than yourself. You dont love him But you’re allowing things to continue because he cries and threatens. This is your life From now on and what’s worse, your children’s life while he stays. Hes robbing your children of a happy healthy confident mum who shows them they never ever have to put up with abuse. There is lots of help out there from women’s aid. Build a support network round you and get him out before the kids And you are damaged more.

[Lottieblue]

Hello,
From my experience, the real difficulty lies in the fact that when the abuse is happening, and you are really unhappy, and want out, we are often not in a position to leave (or make them leave) for one reason or another. So we don’t.
Then, things get good again and we think “well maybe things are going to be ok after all”, and we settle back.
And then they get bad again, but we haven’t done anything about getting ourselves into a position to leave, because we thought the crisis had passed.

My strong advice to you is: if he is a man transformed and your relationship is back on track, then Wonderful!
BUT I would strongly recommend getting yourself in a situation that, the moment he turns (if he does) you are able to say “that’s it”.

So: make sure you have cash that he doesn’t have access to, and make sure you can speak to a lawyer so that you understand what your position is.

It may never happen, but get yourself sorted so that if it does, you are in control.
X

[Anonymous]

Great book – People of the Lie by Dr. Scott Peck. One good quote is – you will know them by the consistency of their inconsistencies. So true. The yo-yo effect keeps you off balance and self guessing. It’s a tactic in preserving their control and little egos. You have a right to self preservation as well!! Like Lottie said – see farther out here and get your ducks in a row. Know your rights, get well versed on them.

[Onlyintime]

Thank u ladies. I have a little savings not much not even enough to cover a month’s rent but building on it. Thank u. X*x

[Author]

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