I’m back! Please help x

[lilbird]

Hi all.
I don’t recognise many usernames on here but hoping that some of you may remember me?
I left an abusive marriage (detail removed by moderator) years ago now, still have regular contact with me ex because we have a son together but both of us are in other relationships thesedays.
The thing is I am beginning to miss my ex and am wanting to spend time with him again and wonder if we could make a go of it again then start wondering how happy I am in the relationship I’m in now but don’t want to hurt him and start to feel sick and upset at the thought that if we split up I wouldn’t want him to be anyone else.
Please don’t judge me but has anyone else felt this way before and what do I do?

[White Rose]

Hello again Lilbird!
You know what we oldies will all say…. an abuser never changes, once an abuser always an abuser etc etc.
What is it that you’re missing about your ex? What was it that made you leave him? What would your life look like if you ditched your new life
and went back to that old life? How would it be for your son?
Maybe the fact you are out of it now and settled in a new relationship and in a positive place you are forgetting the bad stuff and your subconscious is hiding it away?
Maybe have a look through your old posts as a reminder?
It sounds as if you are happy and safe why risk that?
Take care, be happy xx

[Flowerchild]

Oh, Lilbird! I remember reading your first ever post one Saturday morning and being so concerned for you. It’s so long ago… I’m really glad you got away and found someone new. It’s great that you have been able to maintain contact between your ex and your child. Hearing what you say now is a bit like hearing a recovering alcoholic wondering whether one little drink would do any real harm. Be sure that he hasn’t changed. White Rose’s idea is a good one; looking back over old posts will remind you why you got out of the shark tank. You can’t befriend the shark that once tasted your blood and expect to be OK, really, can you? But I think you get this: you’re a smart, strong, capable person. Two things occur to me. How much contact with YOU is your ex getting on visits with his child? Is it increasing or altering? Is he perhaps grooming or hoovering you or trying to use your child as a tool to unsettle you? You might need to re-establish those boundaries if he’s encroaching! The second thing is, what’s going on with your current relationship? Are you looking backwards to distract yourself from any issues you need to be working on together there? Are you just stale and needing to revisit why you chose him? What makes you think your ex would have you back, or would you just be a fallback on the side for him? Only you know the answers, lovely Lilbird, but please think long and hard before you take that drink! You worked soooooo hard to get free. Flower x

[freedomtochoose]

hello love,
I am relatively new here, but would remind you of what other posters have said i.e. that the person we fell in love with (the abuser) was never the person they actually were in reality.

So maybe you are missing a happy ending that would never have been possible anyway?

For myself, sure when I got married I would have wanted it to end happily. But it didn’t and even at the worst times and amidst the worst challenges I never wish to go back.
Don’t make the mistake of taking up more contact than you need to. It will confuse you and your child.
well done for posting
ftc
x

[Twisted Sister]

Hey Lilbird! So glad you have come so far. It’s been so long since I’ve seen you on here!

Its a great reflection on how very far you have come that your mind has let slip away all those horrendous memories that had you living on a knife edge when you were with him and after leaving too.

As always your life is your own to do with what you want so long as your boy is safe always and doesn’t witness harm to you. This was in your past and all I wish you is a future free from it for you both too.

So great to see the others that have come to reply too. 🖐 [waves]

Warmest wishes ts xx

[Confused123]

Hey lovely

Agree with what ladies r saying , we miss the pretend them not the real them, remember why u left and how he made u feel

[lilbird]

Hey Flowerchild and Twisted Sister. How are you both?
Thank you to all of you for your replies and support. I’ve read your replies in depth and have taken a step back and thought ‘what am I thinking’. It took me so long to get away from him why would I want to go back there?. I do have a lot of contact with him because we have a son together and I guess I’m nice because I broke his heart when I left him and for that I feel sorry and so sad. I don’t think he’s very happy in life.
There have been other developments since my post. Please don’t judge me but even though I am in a relationship there is a guy from the past who I’ve been in contact with (detail removed by moderator) through messenger. He was just a friend but over the past few days the messages have become quite intense and I’ve enjoyed the attention, now he’s told me that he really likes me and wants us to be together! I’ve never told him that I’m with someone else as I don’t think he would have accepted that, so now I’m making excuses why I can’t meet up with him but I do feel like meeting him and having some fun. What is wrong with me? I’m in a relationship and shouldn’t be thinking like this. Is this a spin off from being abused? Am I just messed up or am I just wanting to go from man to man?

[Twisted Sister]

Hey lilbird

Good to hear back from you with your thoughts about your ex; all mixed in with this other possible love interest too.

I don’t know how long it’s been but its interesting that you have kept this other guy in the background secret (because he wouldn’t accept that). Who wouldn’t accept that? Your current partner or the other guy?

I just think you don’t sound settled, as there’s a lot going on here with 3 men all in the mix in your mind.

You don’t say how you felt about background guy until he declared his feelings to you; are you feeling like this about him and had you had any feelings before he declared his to you.

Would you say you are with your partner for the same reasons you got together? Have your feelings for him changed?

Do you still want to be with your partner and if not how long have you been feeling that?

Just lots to think about, but I think it’s not something to rush through but think carefully about in time.

A time of taking stock of what you found with your partner; I hate to say it but it was after the abuse and possibly a rebound\looking for security and comfort and now you have come a long way and feel differently?

I don’t know and can’t give you the answers only you know,but gosh lots to think about!

I wonder also about the pace of life for you with all this going on.

I’m still very up and down, but not very up tbh, and keep dreading homelessness, moving all the time, but that’s good as then he can’t know ewhere we are.

Warmest wishes. Ts

[Flowerchild]

Hey, Lilbird, I’m in a good place now, thanks, happy and busy and few niggles from my old perp who really did learn from the year of hard work he put in on the programme. He’s the one in a million, I think. I signed up again and was accepted the day I saw your post, so I suspect it was meant for you, lovely Lilbird!

Twisted Sister is so very wise to say wait; draw breath; think long and hard. I think you are flattered by the attention and the declaration from your old acquaintance. Why not just enjoy the feeling without acting on it? If you once meet up, those excited feelings will inevitably switch to guilt, won’t they, and possibly disappointment and panic, too? You could tell him your life is very different now and very busy and you’d rather just keep chatting. If he is pushy or moody about it, well, he’d not be showing respect, would be?

I think the important think is for you to stay in control here and not let anyone dictate the pace or direction. If you feel you have to make excuses, you’ve let him have too much power already, I’d say.

Take the reins in your hands and make sure you’re driving, not being driven! Lots of practice saying no in the mirror and meaning it! 😉

Flower x*x

[lilbird]

Hi all.
I just don’t know what’s happening to me. Since my last post a month ago I have been in touch with the other chap who was getting quite narky and said that I need time to concentrate on my son and when i’m ready to talk then I will be in touch with him, so that has kind of shelved him for a bit and ‘touch wood’ I’ve heard nothing since which has taken the pressure off there but I am beginning to wonder whether I would be better off just concentrating on myself and my son and trying to bond again.
I got with my current partner only a few months after leaving my abusive ex so maybe it was too soon? I do care for him deeply and the thought of splitting with him makes me feel so sick as I know he’ll be devastated and (detail removed by moderator) it all is such a mess.
I have made some enquiries about a couple of rental properties and go to bed wondering what it would be like to just be me and my son, for me to gather my thoughts and when my son is with his Dad some weekends I can be free to do whatever I want?
I guess I feel let down by my current partner as I now feel I was pushed along by him to get a divorce (I thought he wanted to get married pretty soon) and to remain living at my mums as I thought we would be getting a place together as he said it wasn’t worth me renting on my own ‘it would be a waste of money’ . He doesn’t talk about the future much, he doesn’t pay for anything when we are out, so I am suffering financially because of this and am beginning to think that he is a bit of a sponge 🙁
Any thoughts and advice welcome please – I am scared.

[Twisted Sister]

Hi lilbird

You are sounding very much like you are having thoughts that put you and your son at the centre, which is healthy.

This current longer term relationship doesn’t seem to be living up to expectations at all and you deserve better than propping up someone else financially this way unless its discussed and agreed.

A little worrying that the other party is dictating his terms with your feelings maybe dependent upon his? Was he someone you sought out? It would be a healthy response to your situation for him to back off and leave to to make your decisions, but I wonder if you are so used to being ‘love-bombed’ unhealthy that this feels ‘unloving’ to you?

Your thoughts around your own space and independence sound really positive. I hope you can work things through for the best for you.

Going from one relationship to another really doesn’t give you the time to think for yourself,maybe you are feeling ready to do that?

Warmest wishes ts

[lilbird]

I never thought I’d leave an abusive husband now I’m thinking of leaving another relationship and breaking another heart, feel so sad. Wish I’d had a lot of time to myself and my son and not rushed into another relationship. Thought it was the best thing and he was the one. Just feel everything is such a mess x

[Twisted Sister]

Hi Lilbird

It’s better, and more honest and respectful of your partner to share this with him. You cannot help this. It happens. He knew you were fresh out of it, and you know what’s right for you. It is very sad, but there’s nothing you can do if it’s over for you.

Do take care; you have good independent plans I wish you every success with them.

Warmest wishes ts

[lilbird]

Hi. Well I’m no further forward ladies. The rental market is tricky for those of us who rely on benefits. Still with my current partner but as each day goes by I’m finding that I’m subconsciously not making plans for the future. Had major argument with my mum last night over my son and she reminded me that this is ‘her house’ which I found very hurtful. My son doesn’t need to be witness to all this kind of thing. I found myself clinging onto and talking to him as a friend rather than my teenage son and that’s wrong. I feel very alone and sad and don’t know which way to turn at the moment.

[Anonymous]

Hi Lilbird,
I know its all kind of scary and the market does not favour women on benefits. Please do not base your actions on what your partners needs are. Your ex is your ex for a reason.
I don’t want to advise you of actions regarding your current relationship, but please focus your decisions on how it feels for you, rather than worrying about how your partner will feel.

[Author]

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