I'm being made to apologise?

[Whathaveidone]

One of my older siblings came to visit us today and although she is sympathetic and understands what he was like, her and my grandma (who she lives with) want me and another sibling of mine to apologise to my grandma for how we spoke to her (detail removed by Moderator) years ago even though they know and we’ve told them that it was the person who abused me who twisted everything and made us behave hostile to our grandma and other adult members of the family.

We have to apologise because culturally, young people aren’t supposed to disrespect their elders. This just makes me feel quite upset and angry because it suggests that I did something wrong and I was somewhat at fault. My behaviour was out of character at the time but we were teenagers and no other adult members of our family helped us. Being the adults, I just expected them to understand and actually apologise TO US for not being there for us or for not intervening but it just feels like people in my extended family blame me for what happened.

Bearing in mind that I suffered abuse by this same guy from my teens years all the way through to adulthood untill i made my police disclosure, Am I being unreasonable to expect my grandma and other members of my family to apologise to ME rather than the other way round?

Thanks

[Serenity]

Hi There,

I don’t know the exact details, but I would say that it sounds possible that they are asking you to apologise out of their own fear and shame for not being there for you. They are trying to cover it up by making you feel that you are in the wrong and should be the one apologising.

If you were out of character- rude or emotional- it might be quite understandable as a reaction to something awful happening to you or being done to you.

You need to reiterate that of course your behaviour was out of character, but that something bad had been done to you, and make sure that they don’t allow you to take full blame and full responsibility. Don’t let them silence you and shut you up. They need to take responsibility for not supporting or protecting you, and the perpetrator needs to face up to what he or she did.

[Whathaveidone]

Thanks so much Serenity.

I disclosed to police what had happened to me because I knew I wouldn’t get full support from my family. I thought I was recovering quite well starting college and all and then this happens and it reinforces my sense of shame and guilt and makes me feel like I was to blame. Your words make sense to me though.

Thank you.

[Ayanna]

I think you are right.
These people do not understand what happened. They are stuck with their egocentric views of the world.
What do you want to do?
Do you want to speak to your grandma?
You could ask her why she let you down, why she ignored what was happening, why she was so blind and failed to help you when you were in need.

[Author]

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