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This topic contains 3 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by  maddog 2 months, 2 weeks ago.

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  • #85617
     Confusedaboutit 
    Participant

    I feel stupid writing this because it’s the same thing every time. My boyfriend has been emotionally absuive to me in the last (detail removed by moderator) years of our relationship. Last year was the worst year of my life as he lost his job and has been unemployed for over a year, meaning we are having to live with my parents. I am young, fed up and feel like I’m being held back in life. The thing is, he has no family so if I end it he will be homeless and I just can’t bring myself to make that happen. The past (detail removed by moderator) months or so I have fell out of love with him and become aware of how horrible his behaviour is and has been towards me. Now, if we fall out I don’t cry and grovel and beg for him to talk to me, to be honest I don’t care. And he’s noticed that change because now, he comes to me. Truth is, i want to end this relationship and have done for a while but I simply do not know how to bring it up. Since I don’t give in as easily now his behaviours aren’t that bad, but I’ve just fell out of love. Can someone offer ANY advice? I seem to physically not be able to end it.

  • #85635
     AlwaysSorry 
    Participant

    Hi there,

    It sounds like you have reached your enough is enough moment. Even if he wasn’t emotionally abusive towards you, you have every right to end a relationship when you no longer want to be in it. You are not responsible for him, so if he does become homeless that is something he needs to deal with on his own just like his unemployment is something he needs to deal with on his own. I can understand why you struggle with that because it’s normal to have care and show concern for others, even the very ones who abuse us, but you can put yourself first. It’s not selfish of you to say enough is enough. If he hadn’t been emotionally abusive towards you, you might still be very much in love and not wanting to end the relationship, so really this is just the consequences of his actions catching up to him. You have every right to end it, and perhaps get your parents to help with making sure he leaves, so that you can start your own life without being held back by anyone. So if I were you, I would try and tell myself that it’s okay to put me first now. It’s a very dangerous time to end it with an abuser, so please be careful in your approach and if possible do not be alone with him. As you live with your parents, perhaps they could be there as buffers to ensure he leaves – and hands back any key he might have? You do not owe him any long explanations or any long conversation where he might try to hook his way back in. You can just keep it short but firm. And please also consider calling WA for advice on how to optimise your safety x

    • #87199
       Confusedaboutit 
      Participant

      Thank you so much. I took comfort in your response. Still figuring out how to physically say it to him but I’ll get there, I hope. X

  • #87202
     maddog 
    Participant

    Well done! It sounds as though you’ve gone Grey Rock on him. It’s no wonder you are confused about how to end the relationship. You have recognised his behaviour as abusive and you have recognised that there’s nothing left to say. It seems that you sense danger. It is really worth speaking to Women’s Aid about your situation and they can advise you on the best way forward.

    At this point it is probably safer to tell him nothing about your plans or how you feel. His life is his responsibility, not yours. If he ends up on the street, well, that’s up to him not you. If he has no friends it’s because of him, not you. You didn’t lose his job for him. It’s his responsibility to deal with it. He is as capable of asking for help as you are. You are not his shield.

    Keep going with the Grey Rock until you have spoken to the people who can help you to move on safely. Abusers are often at their most dangerous when they realise it’s over. Really over. Don’t take chances.

    You’ll get there. You may find the Freedom Programme run by Women’s Aid helpful.

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