I’m confused is it controlling behaviour ?

[Cabbagedoll]

I got engaged in (detail removed by moderator) after a year together.This man swept me off my feet showered me with gifts romantic meals and gestures. However in (detail removed by moderator)  he accused me of sleeping with another man which is not true. (detail removed by moderator)We managed to overcome this and I thought he believed me. In (detail removed by moderator) I went to bathroom and was using my vape which I don’t use in public as I try to restrict my use. Got back into bed his arm went around me and he could feel I was cold he got up and accused me of going out of the room he even checked balcony to see if anyone was out there. I admitted I was using vape in bathroom and he said why hide it. Again we got over it. A week after getting engaged I was lying in bed and told him how much I loved him ( I’m not a romantic myself usually buy a gift instead of using words) and how I loved him and would never be unfaithful and never have been….. he went really quiet and asked why I said about being faithful. I said I was just reassuring him. He said now it’s all back in my head… we finished after having words a week later he turned up with flowers I forgave him. A month later I had bruises he asked what they were I asked him what he thought they were he told me just go to sleep. I got up and went home. (detail removed by moderator) on a night out I danced with an old friend(detail removed by moderator) he said I humiliated him so I said he was insanely jealous and gave him ring back after a heated row I slapped his face wrong I know. I just need opinions am I right to stay out of this relationship? I am so sad and lonely

[Cabbagedoll]

Just to add he always made me feel like I was walking on eggshells. Could not tell him my older boss came into my new workplace to see how I was getting on as he would have questioned why. I always felt like I had to ask permission to see my friends which was not very often as I would spend all my weekends with him. I went to meet my girlfriends for and hour on a Saturday morning and he joked saying why you leaving me which made me feel guilty. We were on holiday and an old man said maybe I can have a dance later and he replied oh no Shen only dances with me which I thought was strange as this man was a harm,was old soul. Also he liked me wearing his special earrings and would question if I wore other ones. Is it me ?

[Lisa]

Hi Cabbagedoll,

Welcome to the forum! Thank you for your posts. I am sorry to hear about your situation and I can confirm that it certainly does sound like your partner was very emotionally and coerciviely controlling. The fact that you say that ‘he made you feel like your were walking on eggshells’ and that you had to ask his permission for even seeing your friends speaks volumes as well as the fact that he is accusing you of affairs which is a very common tactic of abusers.

Please be kind to yourself and allow yourself to be sad. Ending any relationship is upsetting and one where there has been control and manipulation is even more confusing and emotionally distressing. The helpline can help you talk through things and your local Women’s Aid group may be able to offer you lots of help including counselling and perhaps the freedom program.

Well done for posting and finding this forum. I hope you find it a safe and supportive place to be.

Best wishes,

Lisa
Forum Moderator

[Confused123]

HI HUn

This man sounds insecure and unsure of himself , when they are like this the abuse creeps in and they are very possessive of us , please keep away from him and block him, he will isolate u from everyone, i have experienced a really bad abusive relationship and if theres one positive that has come out of it is, that if i see others picking up on red flags that they are unsure of i will point them out , cause if u ignore them like i did as didnt even know they were red flags, u end up in bad sitation

[Tankgirl]

Hi there,
I think you did the right thing in finishing it.
It is so good that you are seeing the signs now and are not wasting any more of your life on him.
My husband makes me feel like that, the whole eggshells thing, waiting for the next thing that will set him off, feeling like i have to constantly reassure him or make him happy, and making me feel awful about taking time to be with family. Its all so wrong.
I managed to meet someone that made me realise that there is another life out there. I havent left my husband yet, and i am still in limbo about whether we can make it work…but the meeting i had with someone else, made me realise the possibilities. It wasnt the right way to do things….but it opened my eyes. I think the advice you have had from the ladies here is right, take time for yourself to process things, start to see your friends and family and take each day an hour at a time…it will get better.
I had a chat with an old friend today, she is an ex girlfriend of my husbands friend, she said to me that the first time she met me, over 10 years ago, i was crying on the steps of a pub, over something hubby had done…and here i am, all these years later, having been through trauma, and feeling crappier than ever….believe me, you did the right thing. Well done you, am proud of you for being so strong x

[Author]

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