4th May 2021 at 7:42 pm #125531
Hello everyone I’ve not been on for a while but am currently really struggling.
I finally managed to divorce my verbally emotionally and financially abusive ex husband after decades of unhappiness.
I had to stay living with him for many months after the divorce while financial issues were dealt with.
(Detail removed by moderator) on and very little contact from him I’ve heard from our children that he is now planning on getting remarried.
Of course I did not expect him to stay single but I can’t believe just how upset I am to the point that I’ve been looking like the desperate unhinged ex wife asking to see him.
Another thing that also upsets me is that his apparent forthcoming marriage is an arranged marriage to someone who is the total opposite to me. She is a very religious (detail removed by moderator) when I am a completely (detail removed by moderator) similar background to him. (detail removed by moderator).
I’m so cross with myself for feeling and acting like this but I’m beside myself with sadness and feeling so low.
4th May 2021 at 8:17 pm #125533DarcyParticipant
Hi beautiful Angel …. Moonshine,
My darling I can feel your sadness through your post and it is OK to be sad. You are grieving the loss of something that you had wanted to work out. No one goes into a relationship thinking it won’t work out and even more so have it end up in such a mess as an abusive relationships so often does.
You have to feel the pain to heal, but then release it and let it go. Cry, scream , shout … whatever it is… but then let it go.
Start to get focused on yourself, the reason you and him did not work out is because there is something better out there for you and he is not it.
While the pain is so tender you need to tune into your heart and give yourself what it is asking for … some love from you. This may be in the form of a hot bubble bath, a cup of tea and a biscuit or a walk in nature. Start practicing something everyday that reinforces your self love.
It will pass and the sun will shine once again
Sending you continued love and support
4th May 2021 at 10:27 pm #125541
Thank you so much for your kind words Darcy.
My head and better judgement say what a fool I am but my heart is truly broken.
I was so proud of myself in getting out and staying out but these feelings have come back at me a way that I really can’t rationalise or distract myself from.
5th May 2021 at 8:19 am #125552DarcyParticipant
My darling … don’t feel like a fool, we have all been there. That’s the ‘trick’ of abuse and trauma bounding … it feels like the most incredible heart wrenching love … but it is not.
Allow yourself to have the tears and sadness and then let them go and focus on you and how amazing you are.
Put all that energy you are currently spending out on him back into you.
His business, is his business… focusing on it takes energy away from your business.
Like you say you are so proud of yourself for getting out, so call that strength back in. If you are struggling to get focused allow yourself 30 minutes a day to talk, think, shout, scream, cry about him and then let it be done for the day, drop this down in time each day until he is not taking up any of your head space and its all about fabulous you… You go this!
Lots of love
5th May 2021 at 10:00 pm #125578
Thank you Darcy, your kind words mean a lot to me.
So today I really don’t know where my head is at. I’ve learnt that he is definitely getting married(detail removed by moderator)
How do I know this, he spoke to one of our adult children (detail removed by moderator)
Suddenly, and believe me thankfully the light went on again and I realised that he had actually successfully bagged himself a new host. He let slip that she owned more than he did and the relief of again taking off the rose tinted spectacles that I’d been wearing again for the last few days was the most sobering feeling I have had since I stuck to my decision to divorce him.
In the meantime whilst I was losing my mind to see him, he agreed to meet me but only after he sprung his coming marriage on his kids and only so that he could use them to be his mouthpiece to tell me he was getting married. (detail removed by moderator)
Anyway, I’m meeting him (detail removed by moderator) where he thinks that I’m going to be mortified and to be honest until I saw the light again today i was.
The most devastating feeling has suddenly become the most free and liberating experience in my entire life.
I just need a few tips to meet up with him (detail removed by moderator) and leave feeling like I’ve let him know that I’m in a good place without looking bitter.
I’m so sorry that this is such a long post, but writing this down reaffirms the complexity and irrationality of feelings that continue to catch you out that appear out of the blue and during this healing period after you make the break.
Any ideas on how to deal with my meeting him (detail removed by moderator) would be gratefully received.
Thank you for getting to the end of this post without nodding off 😉
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