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    • #110550

      I’m new here.

      I never really thought that was my marriage was abuse until recently. My friend has been through similar and I could resonate with her story.

      So to give a brief history. I met my husband (detail removed by Moderator) years ago, after the first date he told me he loved me so I guess that was the love bombing. My dad had been diagnosed with (detail removed by Moderator) and so I wanted someone steady and reliable, but I also made it clear I’d only see him at weekends as I didn’t want to lose myself after so many failed relationships. This never ever happened, I saw him every night as he would just turn up with beers and cigs. I was easy to buy then.

      We met in the (detail removed by Moderator), engaged by the (detail removed by Moderator) and moved in by the (detail removed by Moderator). We married the following (detail removed by Moderator), and I’d be lying if I said I got married for pure love, my dad was dying and I was frightened he wouldn’t get to see me walk down the aisle.

      (detail removed by Moderator) we had our first argument because I wanted to smoke. But I thought nothing of it. The majority of (detail removed by Moderator) went OK, then we got married. He grabbed me in the (detail removed by Moderator) because in an argument I wanted to leave the house (that is my default unfortunately) have an argument and go out, saves saying things you can’t take back.

      (detail removed by Moderator) he wouldn’t let me leave the house in yet another argument and blocked my exit so I had to climb over the wall. I wanted to leave then but my dad deteriorated quite quickly. It was resented that I was spending alot of time with my dad.

      (detail removed by Moderator) my dad died and in (detail removed by Moderator) I decided I wanted out of the marriage, but (detail removed by Moderator) I fell pregnant, I love my children with all my being but it wasn’t the correct time to have a child.

      We had our little boy and he was beautiful, my husband supportive. But then in (detail removed by Moderator) I found out that he in (detail removed by Moderator) years as a self employed person he hadn’t submitted a tax return, despite me me asking him continuously. I was annoyed at been let down, but because of our child I forgave him and paid the penalty fine off of £(detail removed by Moderator), I was also buying a house outright and I said you cannot be on the deeds. This is just my backstory.

      I’m not allowed to smoke, I give him my cards to look after so I can’t smoke and then he refuses to give me them back. I’m not allowed to stay over at friends houses and it’s frowned upon that I work and do lots of overtime.

      During lockdown he has been out of work, I have worked every hour godsends, and he’s got a (detail removed by Moderator) overdraft that he has no means of paying, but he didn’t think to ring the bank. I was pretty upset when I found this letter as yet again more deceit.

      When I asked him to pay for some nursery fees with his self employed grant he groaned and said that doesn’t leave much to do up the house with. I said that’s not the point.

      More recently he has resorted to coming to my work and swearing at me all because he was on the phone with his mum, I swore and said (detail removed by Moderator), he said (detail removed by Moderator) and he said (detail removed by Moderator). He tried to stop me from going to work and wouldn’t shut my car door until I’d kissed him. He was texting me asking what the problem was and I never replied because I was at work. He came to my work and said ‘(detail removed by Moderator)’ but then to add insult to injury he told me before he’d said that nasty comment he had seen (detail removed by Moderator) and it reminded him of what I must feel about my my mum, after he’d screamed at me in the street he sent a text saying (detail removed by Moderator). Like how wrong is that?
      After that particular incident which was nearly (detail removed by Moderator) weeks ago I told him I wanted a divorce, in fact I’ve been asking for once since at least (detail removed by Moderator).

      (detail removed by Moderator) days ago after a moment of epiphany I decided actually I don’t want this anymore and I told him I wanted a divorce. He is absolutely determined he wants another chance and isn’t moving out because I have no right to chuck him out. But, Im allowed to leave if I wish but I can’t take my children.

      On (detail removed by Moderator) he told my (detail removed by Moderator) year old that mummy was ripping the family apart, he denies this now. On (detail removed by Moderator) he told me he’d been in touch with a solicitor who has told him that if we don’t sort a plan out they’ll take our children off us.

      Last (detail removed by Moderator) we went out for a date I was gonna wear a (detail removed by Moderator), but decided the occasion wasn’t appropriate so I changed into something else, he said he wasn’t going if I wore different clothes. He eventually relented though.

      The irony is that this weekend I’m now allowed to smoke and I’m allowed to stay over at my friends, never been allowed before, though he strongly denied that.

      I am in the process of filing for an occupancy order and I have solicitors phoning me in morning.

      Guess I just wanted some advice.

      Thanks for reading

    • #110551
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      Rainbowsandsunshines

      Sorry for the loss of your dad. No doubt your husband found you at a time when you were vulnerable because of your dad’s health.

      Everything he is saying now is untrue, no one takes your children away from you because you want a divorce or to separate. And anyway you know what you want to do but he is dismissing your feelings, sounds like it’s just on his terms. You have to do what you feel will be right for you and your kids.

      Sounds like it could turn messy if he’s refusing to go. I would say to raise all of these issues with your solicitor tomorrow. I sympathise with you. It’s very very hard when they refuse to leave so you have to make plans to leave yourself, this is your house so you shouldn’t have to go anywhere.

      Sounds like you’ll be better off without him, emotionally and financially. His behavior seems very controlling and that isn’t healthy. You’re in the right place here, you’ll get lots of support and advice and here is a good place to just talk xx

    • #110559

      Thank you. I think if I loved him and there was just one problem it could be worked out but it isn’t. It’s the lack of financial responsibility, its the fact he calls his mum for everything, he says stuff and then says he hasn’t ever said it, the control over my smoking, the fact that in the time we’ve been together he’s never once paid for one holiday, ever. I buy everything for the kids, I do my best to make sure they never go without. OK he pays the bills for the house when he’s working but the times he has defaulted is ridiculous. My grandma died (detail removed by Moderator) and he said I had to prove I love her by talking about her. She had (detail removed by Moderator), she’d had it for a long time, I’d already lost her before she died. On (detail removed by Moderator) week I was meant to be off work, I cancelled my annual leave because of lockdown, he sulked with me all week because I’d put my work before my kids even though that’s our only income. I bought the takeaway and used the wrong card, he calls me something inappropriate and then my son repeats it. I’m the same silly woman that’s just paid for a takeaway for (detail removed by Moderator). (detail removed by Moderator) when it was mother’s day his mother said are you going to make her breakfast, he said no, she’s not my mum, and then when we got to our destination for the day, he hasn’t got his coat with him, and that’s my fault, so I just said, I’m not your mother.

      • #110564
        Anonymous
        Inactive

        He sounds just like the same kind of ‘man’ that my abuser is. His views on women are absolutely disgusting! He thinks women were put on the earth, to cook, clean, sort children out and to be there at their back and call when he says!!! These are the kind of men you teach your daughters to stay away from!

        My abuser will contribute too when he feels like it, I had to go back to work a couple of years after my elder daughter because by that point he was sooo bad with money. He would be out every weekend drinking and drugging, not worrying about food in the cupboards or bills being paid. My family have had to support us quite alot, but I didn’t feel right about that so got back into working. He didn’t like it at first would accuse me of flirting with male colleagues, even though most were alot older than myself. And now I don’t say if I work more because he’d take my money too.

        And the same as you for my bdays and xmases, he’s never even brought a card. He actually went out when it was my bday!

        When my grandmother passed away she was discharged from hospital to go to my parents house to die peacefully. The day that she passed I had sat with her all day holding her hand, I had to go back home to get some sleeping things for my little girls and I, when I got home he asked where his dinner was, I told him the obvious and that I wanted to be with my grandma. He could physically see that I was broken but he just stomped upstairs saying he’d have to get a takeaway now and that he hopes I’m taking My kids with me because he was going to bed!! From that point onwards I have started to actually hate him. I will never forgive or forget that. And that’s when I knew he was a bad person through and through. Feelings and emotions are what make us human, and he is not.

        The day after my grandma passed away was one of the worse times of my life if I’m honest. I was heartbroken. When I got home there was no cuddle, no are you okay-nothing! He went out drinking the same night!

        You should get out of this why you can. It sounds toxic and sounds like he’s having a free ride at your expense. You sound like a strong inependant woman that doesn’t need a man. You and your kids will be so much happier.

        My abuser told me once before that you don’t have a dog and bark yourself!!! These men are not ram men let’s be honest. Xx

    • #110594

      He is forever telling me to shut my mouth, that he has supported me through everything and that I need him to help with the kids blah blah. Like he still thinks I need him but if lockdown has taught me anything it’s that I don’t need him. I can pay the bills and go to work, and through that I have gained my own self worth which I haven’t had for years. He is also trying to play my mental health as a weopon, thinks I’m on self destruction but I’m not, I simply want to end our marriage. If I carry on with this charade it’ll just get worse. Even when we are on good terms, I hate been at home because I cannot be myself around him. I don’t fold the washing properly, I’m on my phone, and if I dare to voice how I feel I’m arguing. He came home last night and was gonna make us a (detail removed by Moderator), he thinks he is still in with a chance. Sadly he is not.

      • #110606
        Anonymous
        Inactive

        Get rid. Honestly, because you’re daring to say what you want and speaking out he will tell you you’re going crazy. My abuser has tried this tactic with me too. But you know how you feel and it doesn’t make you crazy, it just means you’ve had enough of living like this and want your freedom back. My abuser always tells me I don’t do this or that right. Actually, nothing I do is right. He is one of those people that will sit there and tell you exactly what you should be doing and how it should be done yet I’ve never seen him do anything himself.

        He thinks that housework inside is all women’s jobs but some could say that outside work is a mans job (if were thinking back to the 18th century the era my abuser seems to be stuck in lol) he doesn’t even cut the grass or take the bins out. Never changed a lightbulb etc. Just nothing. And this is why we don’t need them. We are stronger than we know and able to multitask

        Speak to your solicitor today and see what can be done to get him to leave. The longer you put if off the more time he’ll have to manipulate you more. Xx

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