5th July 2020 at 8:38 am #108919AnonymousInactive
I am over 50 and have been married over (detail removed by moderator) years . My husband has always had anger issues but these were few and far between but very bad involving him striking our children , quite forcefully, I used to freeze in terror and didn’t do anything , and then it wouldn’t be spoken about afterwards. This happened about (detail removed by moderator) times .
Our sex life has always been him wanting it all the time and me not wanting that side of it at all but going along with it for an easier life .
When we went on one holiday I felt he wouldn’t leave me alone and when I came gone I wrote a note , said I didn’t love him any more and drove off , then immediately regretted it and came back . He was very upset .
Since my dad died suddenly (detail removed by moderator) years ago I couldn’t do anything physical , my husband became needy and even more insistent .
His behaviour included , shoving me out of bed with his foot , taking the duvet off me and throwing it down the stairs , shouting and swearing in my face , throwing my phone around the room trying to break it , getting hold of me by my dressing gown and dragging me off the bed and pressing me up against door frame .
This is because I don’t want him to touch me sexually , and he gets really emotional and angry .
This isn’t all the time .
What Should I do?
This is the background. But since then I’ve tried to get through to W.A. but they haven’t picked up .
I walk and walk to get out of the house to try and think , think what to do .
Is it abuse when he’s now normal and seems very worried about me and probably feels guilty for the last episode when he shoved me wIth his feet etc
I just think it would all be ok if I engage in sex better with him .
(Detail removed by moderator) in the car he kept asking about sex and how we should communicate more and even I though well what about communication about how he assaulted me and of course it would be too dangerous to bring it up , but why would I want him to touch me after his hands have assaulted me .
But is it assualt , a push , getting hold of me and pulling me by my dressing gown ?
I am so confused
Please help ?
5th July 2020 at 9:00 am #108923
Hi Waterfoot, yes, it is assault. I sense that your gut instinct is that you know this is abuse but you can’t quite get your head around the idea because this is so normal in your marriage.
There are loads of books for you to read but at the moment, I think the one that will give you most clarity is “Living with the Dominator” by Pat Craven. There is a whole chapter on the sexual manipulator.
One you start reading it, I suspect you’ll begin to realise that your whole relationship is riddled with different types of abuse.
5th July 2020 at 9:56 am #108935Wants To HelpParticipant
The sex side of it is such a big part of the equation. I used to feel some guilt on this part too, purely because I knew that my abuser was too young (we were in our 30’s at the time of my abuse) to just have a companionship with me. I just didn’t want sex at all. At the time, I thought I was too tired for it because we’d got a young baby. My abuser was quite highly sexed and would have wanted sex every day, but I would make up excuse after excuse not to. The longer we went without it, the more wound up he would get and the more short tempered, nasty, mean etc. It got to the point where I knew that I would have to just grit my teeth and go through with it about once a month. Even that was too much for me, he repulsed me because I just didn’t like him and I couldn’t get turned on by him. He told me I was frigid.
I would often wish he would have an affair so he was getting his sex elsewhere and leave me alone. He did have good qualities; he was a hard worker, reliable, punctual, good around the house with DIY and housework, good with money. I was the same with these qualities. We had a beautiful home and no financial problems at all, plus the fact he was a very good looking guy (still is actually and he doesn’t look his age even now!) But I saw the ugliness inside him, and that’s all I did see, so no matter how much he tried to seduce me I really wasn’t naturally turned on. In my head I would think “let’s just get this over with, it’s better to spend 10 minutes having sex than spending half an hour trying to explain why I don’t want it.” So for a few years that worked, until it got to the point that I couldn’t even go through with it every 4-5 weeks. I really didn’t care if I never had sex again in my life, I honestly thought I was frigid and a bit of a freak!
After I left him and had fully moved on from him I did meet someone else. Someone who I found very handsome, gorgeous inside and out, treated me with love and respect, and all of a sudden I was horny as hell! My God, I was not frigid at all! I had a very healthy sex drive and desires, there was nothing wrong with me whatsoever 🙂
I think that any relationship where sex becomes a ‘problem’ is going to suffer, especially if neither party are just happy with a companionship. The mismatch in a sex drive is the main cause of leading to incompatibility with someone and is often the leading cause of affairs and separations in relationships that are not abusive, so when this incompatibility with sex is in an abusive relationship I don’t really see how things can get better.
You need to be realistic with yourself. Can you really see yourself initiating love making with this man? Will it be tender, intimate, passionate? Or are you just going through the motions to keep him happy and praying it will be over quickly?
5th July 2020 at 9:59 am #108936Soulsearcher18Participant
It can take time to get through to Women’s Aid- keep trying. There is also an email facility and webchat during the week. I know I gave you these links before but just going to pop them down again in case you want to try an email or something, or if you want to search for local support.
There are also local domestic abuse services that you can attempt to contact
If you need reassurance and support from a professional, whilst you continue to access Women’s Aid, you could also consider booking in with your GP? You may prefer a female GP if this is possible (I know I did). If you are going to access Women’s Aid support, it would also possibly help to have your GP’s support too so that they can also help you with this process.
Keep trying Waterfoot, help is out there. In the meantime, we are here always.
5th July 2020 at 11:48 am #108961iliketeaParticipant
1) Welcome @waterfoot im bumping some posts for you, one for new women to the forum. Might help. It has threads gathered into one place…explaining abuse, the cycle, the whole story, and the book lists.
2) Walking, so good for you and your head, because this stuff is crazy-making particularly when you’re first starting to get your head around it. SO, make the most of audible, sign up if you don’t have it and quite a lot of the books on the book list are on audio. Walk and listen. It has saved me.
3) Death – @WantsToHelp explained this very well on another answer to another post, I’ll try and find it. Basically, death and grief are often used against us and the behaviour gets worse at this time. On a basic level the “reason” is that the spotlight has moved from them to you. A big No No in the mind of an abusive man.
4) Sex – read the post I started “Lets Talk About Sex Baby” it might ring some bells.
And keep posting, asking, and reaching out. This is a really supportive forum with a lot of women giving a lot of time and sharing their experiences, many who have already got out. It is absolute pure gold and goodness. xx
5th July 2020 at 4:37 pm #108983AnonymousInactive
I realise I am only now processing the assault on my daughter by my husband years ago , he beat her round the face . I didn’t intervene. It was never spoken about afterwards . I should have left there and then .
5th July 2020 at 4:47 pm #108985
Well, you were conditioned by then not to intervene or to leave.
Have you tried talking to your daughter about it. I spoke to my son. It hasn’t stopped the feeling that I let him down but he understands why I responded how I did. He undertands that I tried to normalise a very scarey incident to make it less scarey and that my response was not a sign that I didn’t love him.
5th July 2020 at 4:55 pm #108987AnonymousInactive
Ok do you think I should speak to her ?
5th July 2020 at 5:03 pm #108988
I wish I could could answer that. I don’t know anything about your relationship with your daughter. Will she remember it? If so, she may have some questions that she’d like to ask or some feelings that she may want to discuss. My son had felt that i was complicit in the violence (the first incident) he understands now why I didn’t save him and it wasn’t complicity, it was just that I didn’t know how to respond.
11th July 2020 at 12:36 am #109577CamelParticipant
I think you need to devote your energy into accepting that you are in a physically abusive relationship. You are right at the start of a long process but you have started by posting here.
Can I be blunt? Submitting to sex with this man will not make him into a decent human being. Neither will you feel better about yourself or the relationship. Remember that there is no limit to the demands he will make of you. He will never be satisfied. And why should you give anything of yourself to this monster who abuses and repulses you? Forget all the hogwash about male ‘needs.’ If it’s so important for him to ejaculate daily there’s nothing preventing him resorting to self-help.
Sorry, I digress! There’ll be a time and place for a heart to heart with your daughter and I don’t think this is it. Once you have escaped and started to heal you’ll be able to talk about that one event and many others that she will be aware of. I’d be very surprised if she hasn’t been praying for you to stand up against this monster. She could be your ally if you dared to open up to her.
Please don’t feel sorry for this man. He’s little more than a vicious bully.
24th July 2020 at 9:00 am #110910AnonymousInactive
I’ve recently been trying to see the best in him . We had a session with our marriage guidance therapist , (and after trying to speak about him losing his temper and grabbing me and pulling me (detail removed by moderator) , ) – I didn’t describe this in case he was angry after the session . I just said (detail removed by moderator) – the therapist didn’t ask for any details and now she’s recommended she and I talk about sex , and my apparent resistance to being able to talk about sexual things with my husband . And she asked did we want to talk about sex together with her or just me and her . So I chose just me and her in the session . But now I feel confused . Does she think this is a problem with me . And I feel unheard and misunderstood.
24th July 2020 at 9:44 am #110913Soulsearcher18Participant
If she is at all switched on to domestic abuse, she may have picked up on warning signs and I sincerely hope that she is offering you an opportunity to speak openly with her about your experiences and to offer you support with this.
No, this is not a problem with you Waterfoot.
Did you manage to get through to Women’s Aid in the end? You can also use the directory and search for local services in your area- I put a link in my previous post. You may get through to them easier, it can take a little time to get through though, so please keep trying.
You can also speak to your GP, they can likely refer you into your local DA service and this could be another way to get support. You could book regular appointments with your GP to continue to get reassurance and support whilst you wait for a local domestic support worker to be allocated.
24th July 2020 at 11:16 am #110916ScapegoatParticipant
Hi waterfoot, I feel your pain. It’s amazing how these men sees sex as something they’re entitled regardless oh how they’ve treated you and how they’ve made you feel. It’s like oh well you’re my wife so is it too much to expect to have sex with you. Forget the to have and hold and cherish, the only vows stick in my mind are to obey, for poorer, for worse, until death us do part. My own experience of men and sex is that it’s a physical desire, not a mental one, I may be wrong on this but that’s how it makes me feel. To be told if you don’t give it me I’ll get it elsewhere and it will be your fault is clearly proof of this. I can imagine me saying this to my husband, I would probably be backhanded and then reminded of the fact about a million times for evermore.
I didn’t think that marriage guidance counselling was recommended for abusive relationships- I can understand that you are trying for his sake and your own peace of mind but not sure if you will end up feeling like you are the problem. I hope your counsellor sees through him especially when you get the opportunity to see her by yourself. As for the assault, yes it is. How would he react if you did the same to him? I asked my husband this (detail removed by moderator) he said yes he would consider it as assault if I did it to him but when he does it me there is always a justification, I deserve it. I’m HIS wife, his object, I’m not a person in my own right.
Hope you get your answers, take care 💕
25th July 2020 at 11:36 pm #111021AnonymousInactive
Thanks for all the replies . I’m worried that the session the counsellor has scheduled wirh me is because she thinks I’ve got something wrong with me to do with sex .
Tonight I went along with a sexual encounter with him , but then afterwards he still wanted to stroke me all over and put his had between my legs , when I resisted he got cross and said I was horrible , and then went off downstairs to watch tv which was a relief for me .
The support worker rang me from my Local domestic violence centre , but I felt a fraud and like I shouldn’t be talking to her , felt as though my thoughts aren’t valid and I can’t even begin to think about what it would be like to leave and all the upheaval. I don’t know what to do , I am so confused .
She is ringing me back next week and says I can ask to go in a refuge at any point ?
26th July 2020 at 9:30 am #111030
No, definitely not a fraud. What you are experiencing is really, really horrible. You are consenting to sexual encounters but only to get him off your back. When you consent, that is not enough for him, he still wants to push you further by insisting that he continues to have access to all parts of your body. This is not ok. It feels like he is trying to possess your body and that he has a sense of entitlement to your body. It feels like he is trying to tell you that he owns every part of you. The only person who is entitled to your body is you.
If your keyworker is offering you Refuge, then she is taking you,seriously. She clearly doesn’t think you are a fraud any more than we do.
His behaviour when you don’t let him touch you is not normal for a grown adult. Sexual abuse was one of the biggest parts of my abuse with my ex. It is unbearable and it really does mess with your head.
Have you read any of the books from the book list? I’d recommend “Living with the Dominator” as a starting point. It might help to clarify things for you. xx
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