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I’m struggling today. I’m getting divorced and even though I think sometimes he’s been emotionally abusive and I filed for divorce when I just couldn’t take it anymore when he was accusing me of abuse, saying I’d been awful since our kids were born etc, I am doubting myself and finding it really hard to come to terms with how my life is going to be.
Particularly with the children. It is looking like there will be 50-50 custody. Basically because he’s an ok dad I have to live with the consequences and not see my kids every day. I want to be a good mum and know it’s important for them to have a good relationship with their dad but I’m going to miss them so much when I’m not with them.
It’s making me doubt my decision to leave him. And people I know basically say that I decided to divorce so need to live with the consequences.
But I don’t feel like I really had a choice. Well, either live with someone who called me a bad mum etc or leave.
Is it really better for the kids to leave? Any reassurance welcome.
And how am I going to cope? Please help!
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You will miss them when they are with their Dad. But if the relationship isn’t right it’s never good for the children to see that. They will get used to the new arrangement and so will you.
My youngest ended up living with his dad and I had the others. I miss him terribly when he doesn’t stay here but I know this is for the best. It’s hard but you will get used to it and find things to do when you don’t have them. -
You will cope. I promise. Yes you’ll miss them but that’ll make you cherish your time with them more. In the relationship you were surviving, not living, which means a couple of positives going forward will be the ability to plan things, enjoy days out or days in your pj’s without being called lazy. When you were with him did you actually spend time with the kids or was it on his terms and hoping the kids would behave so he didn’t kick off, possibly tidying frantically to appease him not sitting and enjoying time with the kids.
The other side is time to yourself. You haven’t had this in an abusive relationship because even when the abuser isn’t there you’re on edge, thinking about him/his next move but now, once you start to relax and find new routines, you will be able to relax and do things for you – crazy eh!
The other thing is that don’t be surprised if he’s unreliable and you might find you won’t be without them 50% of the time, especially if he starts a new relationship. Not something you can plan for but as Ariel said, enjoy being a happier mum which the kids will really benefit from. You got this x
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