This topic contains 9 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by  StillSmiling 1 week, 1 day ago.

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  • #86314
     StillSmiling 
    Participant

    Hi,
    I’ve finally left my relationship. So many times I got close to being here, and didn’t make it. I suffered physical and mental abuse from my partner. After the last assault, there’s a warrant out for his arrest. It’s still the situation, even though it happened (detail removed by moderator)  ago. He’s still in contact every day. One day I had (detail removed by moderator) missed calls. Everything is always my fault. At the moment, I’m destroying his life because I’m breaking his heart, when he’s doing everything right because he doesn’t want to lose me. Even though this time I really have left. I’m (detail removed by moderator). Hiding (detail removed by moderator) at the moment trying to not get spotted, but at least I’m finally here.

     

  • #86339
     EbonyRaven 
    Participant

    Hi StillSmiling and welcome to the forum. Well done for escaping. If possible it’s best to go no contact, or as little contact as possible. Block him from ‘phone, social media etc. Or get a new ‘phone or number. If there has to be contact, for children, property etc. then maybe keep the one phone/email address purely for the necessary contacts with him.

    Try wherever possible to go through third parties for any arrangements.

    They just love to try and make us at fault for everything, don’t they? Too lazy and cowardly to accept responsibility for anything at all.

    Have you spoken to Women’s Aid and/or the police about staying safe? You shouldn’t have to hide all the time, that’s awful. Could you maybe get a restraining order to keep him some distance from you?

    Keep posting and reading here there are so many inspiring ladies who will support you through this.

    Sending hugs and strength.

    • #87174
       StillSmiling 
      Participant

      Thank you so much. I have so little space at the moment. Every bit of my energy is taken up with stress because he’s refusing to let me go. Even after all this time. Every day either threats or guilting me with love. Apparently what I’m doing is nasty and hurting and destroying his life. I’m so desperate for a support group. I feel so alone.

  • #86357
     HopeLifeJoy 
    Participant

    Hi StillSmiling

    Warm welcome to you. What a lovely username you’ve got here. We’ll make sure you’ll keep on smiling 🙂
    I’m very sorry you had to suffer such dreadful abuse.
    It was very brave of you to leave your abusive relationship and moving somewhere safe. You can be very proud of yourself, it does take a lot of courage to take that step.
    Now you continue staying safe, by indeed blocking him everywhere, social media, apps, phone etc…
    Yes abusers are blaming us for everything, for the sun to shine, for the rain to fall, it’s always our fault, it’s incredible. When they are loosing their power and control over us they’ll lie and blame us even more.
    Don’t believe a word of what he’s saying, it’s not true. Don’t read what he’s writing.

    Please do call Women’s Aid to help you going with your next steps, to keep yourself safe, you don’t need to go through any of this process alone, they’ll listen kindly to you and inform you about all your different options.

    Do take extra good care of yourself, I know it sounds self evident but make sure to get enough sleep and rest, drink enough water, eat your daily fruit (s), and just treat yourself really well.

    Sending you lots of hugs, keep posting honey 💕

  • #87190
     HopeLifeJoy 
    Participant

    Hi StillSmiling
    This is harassment and is illegal activity. Please contact Women’s Aid for advice and start documenting his threats. I think you should report his threats to the police.
    He has destroyed his own life by abusing you. That’s his choice, his responsibility. You have done absolutely nothing wrong here.
    Please seek support so that he will be stopped.
    Keep posting

  • #87617
     StillSmiling 
    Participant

    Hi HopeLifeJoy,

    It is but I’m still on the front line on my own. Hoping for a support group soon. There need to be more support groups in every town in every county. I feel like I’m in no mans land. Why does this prolonged situation feel like I’m the one letting everyone down? I’m the one who has to stay strong, I have to do all the terrifying stuff alone (and live with the consequences), I have to be patient while mentally preparing myself to die alone if that comes when I don’t expect.
    I’ve cut off contact. It got worse. I met up to try to negotiate. Slight relief for a few days but I know the tide is about to turn. Still the respite was such a relief. I’m really at the bottom of the well. When it gets too much I wish I could drown in my own grief. I know that sounds so extreme but I’m so fed up.

  • #87634
     Lisa 
    Main Moderator

    Hi StillSmiling,

    I just wanted to show you some support and to let you know that you can always phone the helpline to talk about how you feel. They will not tell you what to do but they will help to reassure you and can hopefully put you in touch with your local Women’s Aid group. I know it can be frustrating waiting for help to come when you have been so brave to ask for it but keep posting here, we are all here for you. It is worth noting that there are things like the Freedom Program that you can always look at doing online while you wait for a physical place on a course. If you are feeling really low it might be worth you speaking to your GP to see if they can help you too.

    You are doing great, it is a difficult time so please be kind to yourself and where possibly do not have any contact with him. That should reduce the opportunity he has to make you doubt yourself and put you down.

    Best wishes,

    Lisa
    Forum Moderator

  • #87659
     FreeAgain 
    Participant

    Just wanted to say hi and show support for what you are doing. I am the same with no space to live my life now I am out of the relationship, ruining his life etc etc.

    The local police in my area have been fantastic with the safeguarding team and local support like my IDVA lady. I hope the support you get improves soon xx

  • #87711
     StillSmiling 
    Participant

    Thank you Lisa. I’ve been searching, there are no groups or courses in my area. My counsellor tried to find something on my behalf. My advocate hasn’t been much help. This whole process is making me feel like it’s my fault that the things I was told would happen aren’t happening. How can you have no contact when you need to know your partners state of mind to know how safe you are? Right now it feels like the only person that is safeguarding my survival is me. I was promised that if I made this step that I would not be alone. Now I’m being told that it’s my responsibility to follow everything up, that things won’t move forward unless I’m the person shouting the loudest. I never wanted to be in this position. I don’t want to fight for justice for what happened. I just want my life back. I want to be free to walk away and start again. I was promised that, but if there’s one thing I’m used to it’s broken promises. I’m so sorry to come on here and to be so negative. I am so proud of myself to be here, as hard and bitterly painful as it is. But if people ask something of you, that puts you in an incredibly vulnerable position, there should be no empty promises in that. You can’t be left alone to try to survive. If you’ve been beaten and isolated by your partner, you will not spontaneously want to single-handedly campaign on your own behalf. Sorry if that all sounds a bit cryptic, I know women in my situation will get the gist of what I’m talking about.

  • #87712
     StillSmiling 
    Participant

    Hi FreeAgain,

    Thank you so much for your message of support. I’m so glad you have great services and you are amazing for doing what you are doing. I always think of the *rolling my eyes* emoji when he talks about how I’m ruining his life. I appreciate so much you getting in contact. Stay safe xx

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